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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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What's the difference between people who live in Dubai and people who live in Abu Dhabi?
People who live in Dubai do not watch the Flinstones, but people in Abu Dhabi doo. |
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Got stung by a bee last week.
20 Quid for a jar of feckin´honey! |
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tiptheodds:
I heard that joke about 10 years ago by a comedian who I thought was quite funny, a quite ugly scruffy looking bloke who did a spell on the panel show rounds at the time. He was v.v.good imo, but for some reason disappeared from the scene - anyone remember him? One of his lines was "I find I don't need much material as my looks normally get me through". Made me laugh at the time. |
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The Pope was interviewed by FHM Magazine as to which grooming products he used.He replied, "Haribo and Smarties are the best ones"
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Two cowboys are talking about sex,
the first cowboy says 'I like the rodeo position best'. 'I've never heard of that position before' Says the second cowboy, 'What is it?' 'Well get your girlfriend down on fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup each of her breasts, then whisper. These feel just like your sisters and try to hold on for at least 8 seconds.' |
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A vampire walks into a bar and says "boiling water please"
the barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" the vampire pulls out a tampon and says "im making a brew" |
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BREAKING NEWS: two muslims have crashed a boat into the Thames Flood arrier.....Police believe it marks the end of ram a dam
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I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'
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Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.
He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Leicester". My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him. "No ... ", he whispered back...... "It's a sh*thole." |
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Carlsberg don't do Mother's Day, but if they did, Jade Goody might still be alive.
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Whoever said "nothing lasts forever" obviously hasn't tried
masturbating over Susan Boyle! |
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How can you tell when an Leicester women's having a period?
She'll only be wearing one sock. |
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great stuff fella |
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What do you call a leper in a windtunnel?
Confetti. |
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Whats the biggest cause of peadophilia in Britain?
Sexy Kids. |
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An Aussie who's been walking through the outback for weeks comes to an isolated farm and sees a Sheila leaning over the fence.
"Do you shag" he says? "No" she says "but you've talked me into it you silver tongued bast*rd". |
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Dominique Strauss-Kahn's lawyer has outlined the defence case they will be using in the trial - his client was just doing his job trying to inject some liquidity into the Third World!
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What's a Pikey kids favourite song?
The wheels on the house go round and round. |
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what do you say to a pakistani on christmas day
"pump no4 & a packet of **** please" |
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A farmer sat weeping on an iron gate leading to his fields, on a bitterly cold deep mid-Winter morning. He was inconsolable.
After a short while, a little old lady came up the lane, noticed him crying and stopped to ask him what was wrong. "It's terrible" he said, "All my cows have frozen to death in the bitter cold, and I'm ruined, and I'd just managed to build up my farm again after the foot and mouth outbreak. I'm desperate, and don't know how I can go on." The little old lady looks over his shoulder in the field and indeed notices his livestock are all frozen stiff, some standing bolt upright, others lying flat on the ground. "I might be able to help" she says, and she walks into the field and systematically goes round touching each of the cows on the nose, and miraculously, they start to revive, start moving around, picking at bits of frozen grass. The farmer can't believe what he's seeing, and he's overjoyed, and asks the old lady how he could ever thank her. "I don't need any thanks" she replies,"just glad to do a little bit of good in the community." And with that, she starts wandering off back down the lane away from the farmer". "At least let me know your name" says the farmer, just beginning to notice a hint of recognition. "Of course, petal", says the little old lady, "I'm Thora Hird". |
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JOC that is terrible.
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All that for that.
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9/10
Just to change the mood on a joke thread. |
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sure I read it here, where's the I've found dads wedding ring one
 Removed Presumably, unless I'm too drunk |
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Nothing will ever beat the Kermitt one.
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Dementieva 12 Jul 11 01:17
sure I read it here, where's the I've found dads wedding ring one Confused Removed Confused Presumably, unless I'm too drunk First page about 4th one down... time for bo-bos [;)] |
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ah, found it, creatureinthesky
2nd page, 1st one  |
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Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when
his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified arrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring yo back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners." |
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Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
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What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in? |
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What do you call a unemployed Osama bin Laden ?
Osama Bin Laid Off |
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How come there is only one Monopolies Commission?
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Whats the definition of "endless love"??
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis...... |
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My Dad's 83 years old and I call him Spiderman
Not because he's superhuman, but because he can't get out of the bath! |
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I phoned up the local Indian takeaway last night… I said do you deliver… they said no, just chicken and lamb.
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We went into the local Indian restaurant and were eating our meal when the waiter came over and said curry ok.
To which I replied go on then mate one song then sling your hook.......... |
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Forgot about this thread.
Legendary! Some top stuff in here. Even those fackin latvian jokes have grown on me! |
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" I was driving past the river near my house the other day and the police were pulling a skeleton out of the river it must have been their since the 70,s ,it was a black bloke" The mother in law said over tea "well how do you know he was black if it was a skeleton" "he had a bus conductors hat on" was the reply .
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