In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Police have issued a statement saying that they have found Amphetamine, Cocaine and Angel Dust at the flat of Paula Yates, but there is still no sign of the other daughter.

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

Once upon a time there was a baby bunny. This bunny had never ventured beyond the fence around the field its warren was in. One evening, just after dusk, the bunny was nibbling on the grass by the fence and looking longingly at all the really lush grass and dandelions in the field over the road. Now this road was a really busy road and the little bunny had always been told not to cross the road because it was too dangerous.

Well, the baby bunny’s daddy hopped over to see his son and the baby bunny asked his dad if he could cross the road.

“Well, son” his dad said, “It’s a dangerous road. Loads of your family have been killed trying to cross it, but there is a way.”

“Go on, Dad, tell me” squeaked the baby bunny, excitedly.

“Well son, what you do is you set off across the road and keep your ears pricked for the sound of approaching cars. If you hear one, you turn to face it, look at the lights on the car, get between them, duck down and the car will pass straight over you”

At this point an old hedgehog ambles across to see what is going on.

“What’s going on, Rabbit?” he asks.

“Well” said the old, wise Rabbit “I’m teaching my son here how to cross the road and avoid getting squashed by a car”

“Very wise” said the hedgehog. ”Several members of my family have died on this road. What have you told him to do? It could be useful”

“Well” said the old Rabbit. “I’ve told him to set off across the road and keep his ears pricked for the sound of approaching cars. If he hears one, he must turn to face it, look at the lights on the car, get between them, duck down and the car will pass straight over him”

“What a good idea” replied the hedgehog.

So the baby bunny takes a few deep breaths and sets off across the road. He hears and approaching car and, being a sensible bunny, does exactly what his daddy told him.

SPLAT. Blood, guts and fur fly everywhere, spattering his dad and the hedgehog.

The hedgehog turns to the Rabbit and says

Oh dear. You don’t see many Reliant Robins these days, do you?”

What's the definition of an innuendo........

It's an Italian suppository

I work for the Samaritans, feeling under the weather yesterday so rang in sick
woman at the other end of the phone talked me out of it

Three ECW (Ex City Wife) friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after a day at the gym and vigorous clothes shopping. The conversation eventual ly drifted towards how best to spice up their *SPAM DONT CLICK* lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,

"Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha
I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since
defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and
accidentally **** in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

^^^ never trust someone who laughs at his own jokes.

that was my joke.

No need for the idiot, what is it with you chit chatters?

man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One`s for me and one`s for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That`s amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That`s amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called the witch doctor a coont!"

Why do communists use tea bags?

Because proper tea is theft!

I said to the missus the other night,
'I think we'll try some new positions tonight.'
and she said,
'ok, you stand up here all night ironing, whilst I lay on the settee burping and farting!'

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
"Father" he confessed "it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with F4nny Green twice last month." The priest told the
sinner "You are forgiven... go and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another Irish man entered the confessional. "Father, it has
been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with F4nny Green
twice a week for the past two months." This time the priest questioned
"Who is this F4nny Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood" the
sinner replied.
"Very well" sighed the priest, "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At mass the next morning - as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon
- a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly
sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny,
emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough for them to
realise she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Fanny
Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to
calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her
shoes".

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

Joke set in the USA..

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when the old boy pulls a beer out of his fridge.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass boy?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Grandpa says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little sir'.
Grandpa replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar young un'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some
cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The little boy asks, 'Can your pecker touch your ass grandpa?'
Laughing, the old grandpa replies, 'Hell yes boy, my pecker can touch my ass'.

So the little boy replies, 'Then go fúck yourself'. Grandma just made these for me!

Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an
ice-cream van comes down the street.
"Do you want one?" asks the first guy.
"Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget"
says the second.
"No I won't" says the first.
"Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write
it down" says the second.
"I won't forget" says the first guy, getting slightly irritated.
"OK then, look - I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now
write it down or you WILL forget" says the second.
The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he
won't forget.
The second guy says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry
sauce and hundreds and thousands little chocolate bits sprinkled
all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!"
The first guy, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later
comes back with a meat pie.
The second guy looks at him and says "Where's my f***ing chips?"

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two young girls, hitch-hiking. We ended up in a Premier Inn where I gave them both a right large portion.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

after a session clubbing a black guy ???

Is this normal behaviour round your way?