There was an old man from Crocket
Who threw his legs over a rocket
The rocket took off
His balls flew off
And he found his **** in his pocket.

2. The Star (Johannesburg): :-[

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport
Minister Ephraem
Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane.
"Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just
don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula
admitted that the
landlocked country had completely lost track of its
only ship, the
Swazimar:
"We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we
sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a
problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so,
technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I
categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence
on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big
ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you
can see at night.
Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable
gentleman opposite
Is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other
side of his face when my ship comes in."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper: :-D

While transporting mental patients from Harare to
Bulawayo, the bus
Driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a
few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found
it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen.

Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were
uncovered, he halted
his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to
those in the queue.
Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and
drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where
he hastily handed over his
'charges',warning the nurses that they were
particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious
passengers; it was three days later that suspicions
were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20.
As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard
of them and they have apparently blended comfortably
back into Zimbabwean society.

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, 'Sure lady.'

They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers,

'You know, I have an itchy ****.'

To which he responds, 'You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!'

Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag". The Man of Steel was gagging for it. He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Super, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't you try her?"

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off. Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop.

He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a piece of arse, who's the best shag in comic-land?" "Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster Than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What the f%^k was that?" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my arse is killing me."

Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up:
a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! Went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat (mosquito). His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop op, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle, For example when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features enough to make you go wow. However when she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol & set on fire with scissors sticking out of his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside:-)

My wife shouted up the stairs 'sun's just come out luv.' Great I thought,so threw on some shorts, grabbed a beer and went into the garden to find my lad kissing the boy next door.

"What do we want?!?!?!"

"Understanding for Tourettes!"

"When do we want it?"

"(unt"

I have to admit, those newspaper 'cuttings' made me laugh

I work abroad a lot and recently came home for a 28-day break.

My wife said, "While you're back I want to have sex at least 28 times."

"That's great", I said. "Put me down for two."

Munchen_fadge_back

I_got_12_points_again

Dellman41

Same troll

TiptheOdds     01 Aug 11 11:41 
And why not munchen? Best thread on the forum by a long way.

Shall i put to not confuse you next time?

Blood,

you are the best joke of the whole forum.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”
“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).
“Reset it yourself!”
“I am scared!” she pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?”
(Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful talk about.
“What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”
If they had only known.

I got a book about helium gas.

I can't put it down.

a young girl loses her job in the chippie, when her dad goes out
to find out why the owner says "i found her with the potatoe peeler
up her @rse" The dad says "let me see this potatoe peeler?".."No"
replies the owner "i sacked him aswell"

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the slág in the morning.

I went to the doctors yesterday . I said ive got something small jumping around inside my head . He told me not to be so silly and sent me away with a flea in my ear .