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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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yes cos i dont live in a sh1thole m8
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Missed a comma out on that one
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dont i feel like a **** now, apoligies m8 |
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The Best Comeback Line Ever?
It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. |
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Answering machine messeges for mental health clinic.
"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........ *If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. |
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*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
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*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
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*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call. |
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*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship. |
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*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press. |
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A quarter pounder with cheese. |
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Answering machine messeges for mental health clinic.
*If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. *If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. |
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*If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line. *If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. |
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*If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. *If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. |
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*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. *If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you. *If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up |
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their
adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals" "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch?" "A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." |
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NOTHINGBUTTIGERSBLOOD, i told that joke on here a couple of years ago,there was a stewards whether i should get a ban for being a racist,quite a stir it was
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yeah but im asian so think i get a pass lol
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lol guess so m8
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Walked past my fridge just now and thought I heard the BeeGees singing inside, but when I opened the door it was just a chive talking
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When she arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room." |
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A fisherman went down to his usual spot to do a bit of fishing. After a short while he felt a tug on his line and reeled in a huge salmon. He was just about to kill it when a voice said "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me". He looked down and to his surprise it was the fish talking, so he said to the fish "Why should I spare you". The fish replied "Well I am on my way to the spawning grounds in the North Atlantic and if I don't get there then there won't be any salmon for you to catch next year, so please let me go". The fisherman thinks about this and then says "Ok but at least tell me your name before you go". "My name is Rusty" said the fish.
A year later the fisherman is at the same spot when he again catches a salmon. Once again he is just about to kill it when the fish says "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me". "Is that you Rusty" says the fisherman, "Yes it is" says the fish. "Tell me says the fisherman, did you manage to reach your spawning grounds last year?". "I did" said the fish, "but it made me feel very sad when I was there as I saw this huge ship which had gone down, and I thought about all those poor people who had lost their lives. In fact I was so sad, I wrote a book of poems about it". "Thats really lovely says the fisherman, "Tell me, what did you call this book?" And the fish replies "The Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty". |
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3 Irishmen are looking for a job when they see a sign "Miners required". So they think to themselves, that sounds like an easy job, so they apply.
The first Irishman goes in and the foreman says, "Have you got any experience", and the Irishman says "No", this happens with the second Irishman as well. So before Paddy goes in, the 2nd Irishman says to him "Say you've got some experience and you should be ok". So Paddy goes in, and the foreman asks the same question, to which Paddy replies "Yes sir I have loads of experience, I used to work in a mine down in South Wales". "That's brilliant" says the foreman "Tell me" he says "Do they wear those helmets down there with the lights in?". "Well I don't know about that sir" says Paddy, "I didn't work nights". |
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2 men are sitting in the pub talking about their respective wives, and one of them says "I hate my Wife, I wish she was dead". The other man says, "Why don't you have here killed then, I know someone who will do it for you"."Surely that would be expensive" says the first man, but the other man reassures him that he knows someone that would do it cheap.
So the next day they go to meet the hitman. "Hello, my names Art" he says, "but everyone calls me Arty, please tell me what you want me to do?". So the husband tells him that he wants his Wife killed, but can't afford to pay too much. "That's alright" says Arty "I hate women, I do it for you for a £1". So the husband gives Arty details of his Wife, telling him that she is a creature of habit and always goes to Tesco's everyday at 11am, and that she always wears a green coat, with matching shoes, handbag and scarf. The next day Arty waits beside the frozen food isle at 11am waiting to pounce. He sees a woman come in all dressed in green exactly as described, so he creeps up behind her, puts his hands round her neck, and strangles her to death. He is just about to leave, when he sees another woman also all dressed in green. Nevermind thinks Arty, I hate women so I'll kill her as well, which he does, again strangling her from behind. And the next day the headline in the papers reads "Arty chokes 2 for a £1 at Tescos". |
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Did you here the one about baracouda33 ,trawled the internet for a bride and did not insist on a gender test before the big day !!
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Lewis im struggling to give you 1.35/10 for all three put together
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The pilot and co-pilot arrive for a flight, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle of the aircraft. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. The passengers do not react, thinking that it it is some sort of practical joke. However, the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down to the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering amongst themselves. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're gonna get killed!" |
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A lunatic escapes from his prison cell, but the only way out of the jail is through the prison laundry room. As he's going through the room, two women who work in the laundry appear. The loony rapes them both and makes his escape.
Next day's headline... "Nut screws washers and bolts". PS - Hunter, this is a joke thread, and a very good one. You have the rest of the forum to play in. Run along, there's a good lad. |
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"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"A CURE FOR TOURETTES!" "WHEN DOI WE WANT IT?" "C - UNT$!" |
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young lad with a stammer working on a building site stood an scaffolding passing bricks to the bricklayer with his mate down below throwing the bricks up. before they start his mate says if you drop any of the bricks shout falling and i'll move out the way after a while he drops one and shouts ffffffffffffffffffukcing hell its hit him.
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A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
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A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
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Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder..' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches. Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height, and she gives us the bloody length!!' |
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The wife suggested i get myself one of those penis enlargers...
So i did....She's 21 and her names Lucy.. |
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10/10 effort bigmo keeep em commin
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Sidari , Corfu
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bigmo @ flagpole joke. Thought this thread was drying up for a minute! |
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There once was a man named Dave,
who dug up a prostitute's grave. She was mouldy as **** and missing a tit, but look at the money he saved. |
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Three Labrador retrievers - brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replies, "I'm a pi$$er. I pi$$ on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pi$$ed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab enquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped." |
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Rupert murdoch says he is deeply touched by all the messages left on amy winehouses voicemail
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