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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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A bloke parks his car in a disabled spot and walks away.
The parking warden calls after him "Oi, what's your disability?" Bloke replies "Tourettes, you c*nt. Now f*ck off!" Newly-weds arrive at their honeymoon destination and check into hotel. Receptionist asks the groom, 'Do you have any reservations?' He replies, 'Yeah, she won't take it up the a*se' |
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Two nuns in a bath together.
One says to the other: "Where's the soap". With a cheeky glint in her eye, the other responds: "Yes, it does doesn't it". |
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was digging a hole in my garden 2day when my neighbour asked wot i was doing.
"my gold fish is dead so im burying it" i told him. "thats a big hole for a gold fish" replyed he. "yea well it was inside your fcking cat when it died" |
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Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years |
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Did you hear about the wino who was caught drinking Channel No5?
He was done for fragrancy!! |
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Man wakes up and asks wife...do you want a coffee or sex?... she says.. I'm not bothered, they'll both will be instant.
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It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump
off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder. "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!" "Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that: 1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend. 2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking. 3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man. "Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay in fancy dress. |
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Q. What's a fat bird and a moped got in common ?
A. They're both a decent ride until your mates catch you on one ! |
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Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?... I couldn't even get on the f**king bed.." |
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My girlfriend is like an ice hockey goalkeeper.
She only changes her pads after three periods. |
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Bloke says to his wife, 'Grab your coat, it's beer o'clock'
She replies, 'What, you're taking me to the pub?' He replies, 'No, I'm switching the central heating off' |
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Passengers on a plane. Captain announces on the tannoy, 'Sorry, folks, try and stay calm but we're about to crash land. You've probably only got a few minutes left to live.'
In the ensuing panic, a woman stands up and in a provocative pose, asks, 'Is there any man here man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A bloke stands up, takes off his shirt and says, 'Yeah, here love, iron this.' |
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i don't get the one about the nuns in the bath
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one nun dead and eighty
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Dave
Where's (wears) the soap, probably a better verbal gag than written down. |
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Imogen thomas launches singing career to play down affair with premiership footballer. She is currently doing Giggs in manchester
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. |
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. |
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Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some goodfood and companionship.
She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays. |
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I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen. |
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Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up |
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David Beckham has revealed that his next child is going
to be an African adopted chocolate coloured baby and it will be called.... ARTHUR EIGHT |
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still
up playing my Bagpipes. Genuine lol at that. |
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I've just booked a fortnight's holiday at a nudist camp .
I think the first 2 days will be hardest . |
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My new girlfriend said i have to wait 6 months b4 she'll
suck my c0ck, i said i totally understand and respect her decision and i'll give her a call then. |
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i went to the docs today and he warned me that i might have myanxiaquivexazinung but its hard to say!!
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She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair. |
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Every man is a millionaire
by his sperm count & the funny thing is even these millions are spent on women...!!! |
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I just sent off my order for an instructional DVD called
"Get rich fast by scamming retards!" It should be good, seeing as I paid £2000 for it. |
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Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically,100% of all divorces started with marriage.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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I just sent off my order for an instructional DVD called
"Get rich fast by scamming retards!" It should be good, seeing as I paid £2000 for it. funniest joke of the thread imo, brilliant stuff |
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great stuff from bigmo and Ron |
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!" |