Doctor told me today i am colour blind.This came right out of the orange.

The missus said she wants me to do something totally original to her in bed tonight.

So I'm going to f*ck her with a packet of Werthers.

Did we copy and paste this Latvian one yet:

Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier.

Sky News: Hole found in Manchester United changing rooms at Wembley Stadium.

Seems like their glory days are over.

The wife has been missing a week now

Police said to prepare for the worst....... So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back

Following the tragic death of the human cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to find another man of the same calibre"

I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.

She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.

"What the f*ck is that pathetic little thing?" She demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"

"I'm sorry Adele", I replied, "It's the biggest fridge I could afford".

Dave drowned

So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt

Well, it's what he would have wanted

oh gosh dont look at the spelling

Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams,however Tess was reluctant to take on his surename.

A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He's staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .

He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying 'Ask me anything'

The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.

'Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.' says the barman.

'What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser.

'Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything'

'Yeah right' says the scouser.

'If you don't believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he'll know the answer'

'Alright' says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.

'Where am I from ?'

'Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ' says the Red Indian. And he was right.

‘Alright’ says the scouser, ‘that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

' Liverpool ' says the memory man quick as a flash.

'Yes and who did they play?'

'Leeds United' again without blinking

'And the score?'

'2-1' says the memory man without hesitation.

'Pretty good, but I bet you don't know who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St John' says the Indian in an instant.

Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can't get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .

He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.

He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his war paint and full regalia.

The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..

'How'.

The memory man squints at the scouser.

'Flying header in the six yard box.'

I remember during the world cup shouting at the tv screen "Rooney you ****, you couldn't score in a brothel!"

How stupid do I feel now!!!

.

Just lost my job as a personal shopper in a major department store. A woman asked me "What type of watch would best suit an Afro Caribbean gentleman?"

It would seem that my answer of "A neighbourhood one", was not appreciated

In the wake of the worst drought for 60 years, Somali Islamists have agreed to let in 'un-islamic' western aid.

Fantastic. I'll start the ball rolling with a red cross parcel full of cream crackers and salt.

im unavailable to answer my phone at the moment,so please leave a message and the news of the worldwill get back to you

What do you call an Australian (in the 2010/11 ashes series, christ this joke is already a little laboured) with a hundred to his name?

A bowler.

George Michael settled in well in prison. He's already written a new song about is skinhead cellmate. His new single will be called "Hairless Fister"

I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy. This pan he sold me doesn't fly at all.