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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Joke:
Questioning: Why did chicken cross road? Answering: I have not seen chicken since I was very young, on my parents’ farm. This is before the Cossacks slaughtered them. I can still hear screams of sister as soldiers rape her. But back to question, where did you see chicken? I am very, very hungry. Joke: Knock knock Who’s there? Latvian. Latvian who? Please open door. Is cold. Joke: How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? Only one. Obtain light bulb is hard part. You have potato? |
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Joke:
How is get one-arm Latvian out of tree? Is no one-arm Latvian! Why you silly? All go Center for Great Peaceful Physical Reassignment. You no ask. Joke: Why six is afraid seven? Because seven have many friend politburo. Joke: Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “ |
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Man walks into a bar, and when ordering a pint, the barman points at the vaulted ceiling, where there are two pieces of meat hanging, and offers the man a bet. Tells the man that if he can reach the pieces of meat, the man can have free drinks all night, but if he fails, he has to buy a round for everyone in the pub.
The man considers this for a while, then eventually turns to the barman and say "sorry, no deal". The barman asks him why, and he replies, "because the steaks are too high"! |
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4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
The train enters a tunnel and everything goes dark. All of a sudden there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him" The pretty young blonde thinks" I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him" The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me" The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again" |
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I had it hard when I was younger. I'd come home from school, and a chicken sandwich would hit me in the face. If I opened the bathroom door, I'd get a bowl of ice-cream thrown at me.
I didn't know where the next meal was coming from. |
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Bloke comes in from a night out with the boys.
Wife says."You're having an affair" Bloke replies."That's the last time I eat a packet of Scampi Fries" |
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Joke:
Is dead dog in road. Is dead Latvian in road. What difference? Dog have fur keep warm. Also, freedom. And dog try eat poop for pleasure not just survive. So many thing! Joke: Latvian is rub lamp find genii. Genii say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genii ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp. Joke: Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad. Joke: Boy: But mother, I no are like grandma. Mother: Eat anyway. Is no potato. |
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Joke:
Latvian walk into bar and say, “I have not eaten for many days. One full beer will be too much for me. How much just maybe one shot beer?” Bartender say, “This is can do for you. Is two centimes.” Latvian say, “Oh. I was hoping it would be less. I do not have that much.” Joke: What are one potato say other potato? Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato? Joke: How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food. Joke: Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son’s body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. Latvian Nursery rhyme: one potato, one potao, one potato, no more potato.. soldier eat potato and rape daughter..is end. Before you judge a Ukranian, walk a kilometer in his shoes. After that who care? He a kilometer away and you have his shoes. The end. |
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Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, mallebale metal with an atomic number of 82.
I'm easily lead. |
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I'd forget these Latvian "jokes" if I were you.
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There is to be a new cookery program where women have to cook nice food to avoid receiving a beating.
It's called: Can't cook, Right Hook |
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A woman walked into a library and asked for a book on euphemisms.
So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it |
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Lost at the pub quiz last night
'What's the largest lake in the world?' Apparently 'Pakistan' isn't correct |
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I was out and got hit by a rental car today.
Bloody Hertz. |
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George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter..
It's called "Oh, She's Eleven." |
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My mum thinks 'LOL' means 'Lots Of Love'
She just text me saying 'Grandma just died. LOL' |
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Zookeeper sez to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with her,
Would you consider sh@gging her for 5 grand?" Paddy replies "i will on 3 conditions. 1st im not going to lick it out. 2nd my family must never know! 3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together"! |
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When I was a kid in the war I always used to get so scared when we were in the air raid shelter with all the people from our road.
You could hear the bombs landing and with each one I would cry a little bit more but my dad would always try and make me feel better. He would say to me 'Son, the only bomb you need to worry about is one with your name written on it'! This would always put my mind at rest but scared the sh1t out of our neighbours Mr and Mrs Doodlebug! |
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PRETEND you're Andy Murray in the pub tonight by struggling through the earlier "rounds".
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I've just lost my job as a lifeguard, at my local
swimming pool.Apparently, tapping the 'No Bombing' sign as a family of Muslims walk past is not acceptable!! |
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After 25 years of marriage, my wife and I have got into S&M - she Sleeps and I Masterbate
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This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore. |
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My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work - If anything its made him more sluggish. |
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MICHAEL GOVE. Avert a teachers' strike by telling them it's their time they're wasting, not yours.
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what was with the Latvian jokes, they were worse than awful
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A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He answers 'Yes - caffeine' 'Have you ever been in the services?' 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'are you disabled in any way? The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.' The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.' The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' 'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our nuts, not really any point in you coming in for that.' |
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ya'havin'that one dave - I did say at the top bizarre or funny to make your own mind up. The thing is I've read them several times now and they are starting to sound funny. Think I need help.[:o]
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Bought a gallon of tippex today ...
Big mistake.. |
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I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dad's shotgun.
Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea?" I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the f*cking bag!" |
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A man goes into a bookshop and asks if they've got a book about small willies.....
"I don't think it's in yet" said the salesperson. "That's the one" said the man. |
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I bought a dog from a blacksmith the other day.
As soon as i got the little guy home he made a bolt for the door. |
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Thought my nose was bleeding
....but it's snot |
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The RSPCA are reacting to a situation at the emirates.
If you see an arsenal fan with a dog please advise them to call 0800 2-0 2-1 2-2 2-3 where they will be given information on how to hold on to leads. |
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The pope has allowed for use of condoms in exceptional circumstances.
For instance, when the altar boy has diarrhoea. |
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Two Muslim women see a nun walking on the opposite side of the road - one says to the other "look at that slag with her face hanging out".
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I can't wait for WISDEN, the cricketers almanac to be published this year ...
They're even going to have the Pakistani team's betting averages. |
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bigmo 28 Jun 11 21:16
Bought a gallon of tippex today ... Big mistake..  |
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A Jewish girl phones her mum to say she's divorcing her husband. The young woman explains it's because her husband always wants anal sex. She moans to her mum that when she got married she had a nice tight bumhole like a 5 pence piece and now it's stretched to a 50 pence piece.
Her mum says....You have a Porsche, a gold card...all the money you could possibly want and you're want to throw it all away for 45p?! |
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saw this 1 on here a couple of years back and think its worth a re run
womens guild meeting in oxford the subject being , domestic help in and around the household. The chairwoman then introduces daphne who comes from york, who then proceeds to address the audience about the problem with her husband and the fact that he never did anything to help her with housework. she then goes to say how after having a proper sit down talk with him that things started to improve. After the first day i saw nothing daphne said After the 2nd day he had cleaned the kitchen and put the pots away after the 3rd day he had done the pots again plus made the beds daphne left the stage to thunderous applause. Next to take the stage was fiona who was from surrey , she then started to tell the now silent crowd of how after telling her husband that he should do more about the house that changes did happen after the 1st day i saw nothing fiona said After the 2nd day he had painted and decorated the bedroom After the 3rd day he had mowed the lawn and washed and ironed all the clothes , fiona left the stage to a standing ovation next to be introduced was ethel from newcastle, who told the listening crowd, that she had gone home and teld that fat useless geordie bastad that she was sick and tired of following him round and she was no longer going to clean his dog ends , and pick his empty beer cans up and that the idle tw@t could do it himself. the crowd went into rapptures Ethel then said after the 1st day i saw feck all After the 2nd day i saw feck all but after the 3rd day i could just start to see a little bit oot my left eye |
