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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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A poof went to the doctor and said 'Could you have a look up my bottom?'
The doctor looked and said 'There's a vibrator stuck up there.' 'It's not stuck' said the poof 'could you change the batteries, I can't reach.' |
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Lady Astor once told Winston: "If you were my husband I’d put poison in your tea!" to which Winston replied: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill |
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill |
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow |
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) |
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"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) |
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The job interviewer asked,"What's your name?"..."Its John,F*ck*ng- b*st*rd****,c*nt,p*ss flaps,Brady."Do you suffer from Tourettte's John asked the interviewer......."No, said John,but the vicar at my christening did".?
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A young lady works in a shop and notices that there is a crack in the glass in the shop window. She calls a glazier who drill a small hole in the middle of the window.
The girl is fascinated and asks what the hole is for. The glazier replies that the crack in the glass will spread until it reaches the hole and then it won't grow any more. Wow says the girl, I always wondered what my belly button was for. |
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I was in the car the last night having some fun with the wife re-kindling old memories,things were starting to get hot, when she whisperd in my ear,F**k me in the sh**h**e.
I said if you think I,m driving to Liverpool this time of night you can think again.I took her straight home. |
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Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'. 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' |
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I spent £4k replacing every window in the house, then realised I had a crack in my glasses.
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I went to buy a pair of camouflage trousers the other night.. but I couldn't find any!
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My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said "where's this stemming from petal" ??
When fat people are depressed, they cut themselves.... ...A slice of cake !!... My missus says I'm immature and i have to grow up soon! ..Like that's going to happen so close to conker season. |
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Was in the garden centre this morning asked the girl at the till is this good for slugs
she replied hell no it kills them[:o] |
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In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The
question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer. |
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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name. A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Luton, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets. |
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You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools. The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan . I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the end of the driveway. |
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I just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Face
Book. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!! |
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 Some cracking ones there bigmo. An old lady was in the common room of an old folks home when she passed a sad looking little old man. "What's wrong Neville?" she asked. "Doris, I miss sex! All I ever think about is sex! sex! sex! sex!" exclaimed Neville. "Don't be silly Neville, you're too old to have sex!" "Doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'd give my left nut if I could get someone to just hold it a little each day!" "Well, I can do that for you Neville" said Doris as she promptly sat next to him and fished out his wrinkled old member. Every morning Doris would come over, sit next to Neville and chat about the day, all the while holding on to his c**k. This carried on for several weeks, but one morning Doris arrived at their chair only to find Neville sitting next to another woman. A woman who was holding his c**k. Doris was outraged. She screamed "Neville Bartlett, you bastard! What has she got that I haven't got?" Neville squints at Doris and says "Parkinson's" I thank you. I'm Available for Weddings & Bar Mitzvahs. Don't forget to tip the waitresses. |
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Jimbo |
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My wife left as she didn't like the way I was always stroking pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni now. For my birthday this year I'm hoping for a moaner or even a screamer All I got last year was a sweater Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant? A: Dress her up as a goat. |
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Q: How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
A: It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm. Q: How can you tell the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? A: Terrorists can be negotiated with. Q: Did you hear what the men say in a Muslim strip club? A: 'Get your face out for the boys... |
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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill |
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"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating |
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"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston (about Richard Nixon) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -- Charles, Count Talleyrand |
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912) "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder |
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They've sent my census form back!!
In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I wrote :- Asylum seekers Travelling folk Smack heads Unemployable lazy sods The cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show Lloyds Northern Rock RBS Half of bloody Eastern Europe Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer. |
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When I was born the midwife took one look at me and gave my Dad a slap.
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stattisticaly 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile, not me though, i live next door to two sexy 14 year old's
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A rugby league fan was drinking in a Bradford bar, when he got a call on his mobile.
After a short conversation, he hung up, grinning from ear to ear, and ordered a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody could believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugged and replied, "That's about average in Yorkshire ... Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby. Gonna be a rugby league player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the same bar. The bartender said, "Aren't you the father of that Yorkshire baby that weighed in at 25 pounds ?" Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered "Twenty pounds." The bartender was puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Yorkshire man took a slow swig of his Sam Smith's, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned across the bar and proudly said ..... "Had him circumcised..." |
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy." --Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield |
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Billy was watching tv. Next day Billy comes downstairs & asks, "Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a womans vagina gets wet. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So what were you watching?" Billy replies, "Wimbledon!?"
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Bigmos's Liverpool joke is the best!
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone |
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"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks, or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne |
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"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams |
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," said the drunk. |
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Dear Deidre.
I'm about 3 years into my relationship now and am starting to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas about how to treat the problem.She bought me some viagra and I've bought the fat bitch a treadmill. |
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Funny or bizarre.
Joke: Latvian: Is so cold. All: How cold is? Latvian: Very. Also dark. Joke: A fishmonger says to a bootblack, “Are there any more potato left?” Bootblack says, “Yes, one. But it has gone bad.” The fishmonger says, “I am very hungry. I have not eaten for three days. I shall eat it, even if it makes me very ill.” And bootblack says, “I did not speak truth. In reality, there is no food left. You shall go hungry yet another day, my friend.” Joke: Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm. |