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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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 flatliner |
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Annie .. every time I read your name a little dribble escapes
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SEEDGIRL,
Still did not get the joke... Are you allowed up at this time? |
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and
bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not being too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to....... I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet!". |
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A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.
So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me. Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference. So she does. They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow. It says -: “My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up. The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms,2 Your loving husband, Harry. PS. Your c*nt is in the sink." |
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" Flynn responded, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... "...it's all the band-aids stuck on the mirror." |
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" Flynn responded, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... "...it's all the band-aids stuck on the mirror." |
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Baby Penguin says to his dad 'Are you really my dad ?'
'Of course I am' said his dad 'why do you ask such a thing ?' Baby Penguin said 'I'm facking freezing.' |
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Why does Noddy wear a blue hat with bells on it ?
Because he's a coont. |
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My grand-daughter asked me to do an impression of a frog.
I tried, but it wasn't much good. 'I can do a horse, or a lion, or a pig, or a cow.' I said 'No grandad' she said 'it must be a frog.' I asked 'Why does it have to be a frog ?' She got excited and said 'Nanny said that when you croak we're all going to Disneyland.'  |
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Teacher asks her class "Who was first to fly the atlantic non-stop?"
Little Winston sticks his hand up "Please miss, It was mah daddy" Teacher looks at him "Don't be stupid, it was allcock and brown" Winston "yep, dats mah daddy" |
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I met a girl in a nightclub last weekend, and after a couple of drinks she told me she'd show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. |
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Teacher ask's little johnny, "wheres pakistan?" Johnny replies, in the playground with pakisteve.
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A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife. "And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?" "Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday." |
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I put a big load into the dishwasher last night but she spat it back out
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Two managers are going over their budget for the next financial year. After analyzing expenses, income, contracts, etc they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of the two assistants, Jack or Jane. They discuss it at length but can’t decide which one to lay off.
Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk. In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and leaves her desk to get some water. One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane. "Jane, I need to talk to you. I’ve got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off…" Jane replied "Well, jack off then. I’ve got a headache." |
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ffs
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I've just broken the world record for holding my breath under water. An incredible 8 minutes, 42 seconds!
It all started when a girl at the swimming baths shouted "That's him over there Daddy!" |
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^^^^ posted yesterday by daniellasmincepies
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Here are a few that I hope maintain the lofty standards:
I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west! My budgie broke his leg today, so i made the poor little thing a splint made out of two swan vesta matches. His little face lit up!! So did the rest of him as i'd forgotten i'd lined his cage floor with sandpaper. Enid and Fred are both residents in the same old peoples home and have become friends over afternoon tea dances.One day while dancing Enid remarks that she hasn't had sex since the death of her husband 15 years earlier. Fred admits that his sex life has also been somewhat arid since the death of his wife 10 years ago. One thing leads to another and Enid invites Fred to her room. While undressing Enid says "before we go any further I think I ought to tell you that I have acute angina", Fred responds "well that's lucky 'cos you've got disgusting tits." I was in the loft earlier looking for the christmas decorations when i came across an unopened present from last year. The kids were ever so excited and their faces lit up. It wasnt until they opened it, I remembered that I had bought them a puppy. |
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Wife says to her husband :“ Darling there´s something I have to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago“. „Before we met I used to be a hooker“.
„What“ exclaimed the husband „shocked“. After thinking about it for a moment and feeling slightly turned on by the fantasies in his head, the man says „ thats OK, no worries, I´m an open minded kind of bloke“. „Would you like to tell me more...?“ „OK“ says his wife, „My name was Brian and I played for Wigan“. |
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A guy goes to the pub and says to his friend: “you won’t believe what happened last night. I was taking a shortcut along the railway track when I found a beautiful naked girl tied to it.“
„So what happened?“ his friend asks excitedly. „Well I untied her and we had non-stop sex for hours, all the positions, everything.” “That’s great!” replies his friend. “Did you get a ****?” “No,” he sighs. “I never found her head.” |
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Did you get a BJ?
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap." |
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Toooooooo long for me.. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' --------------------------- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' |
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
-------------------------- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. ------------------------ I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.' --------------------------- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ---------------------------- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ---------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. --------------------------- |
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
-------------------------- I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' ---------------------- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' -------------------------- I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' ---------------------------- I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' -------------------------------- This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' |
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------ I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road' ---------------------- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. ------------------------- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ------------------------ I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. --------------------------- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' -------------------------------- I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.' |
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I_got_12_points_again
Date Joined: 08 Mar 11 Add contact | Send message When: 12 Jun 11 23:29 Toooooooo long for me.. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Why? You struggle to read at school? |
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These are funny, posting on face book BIGMO..... :-)
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bigmo...
The long boring jokes are ****, we both know that... chubby and co did not make their millions from telling boring stories.... |
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**** = castlemain
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Tim Vine is on the forum eh bigmo
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Right I await another slating then.
These are real answers from Quiz programs. UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er. . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence.) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. |
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THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)) Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Q: What is the world's largest continent? A: The Pacific RICHARD AND JUDY (C4)) Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. . . Presenter: He makes bread. . . Contestant: Err... Presenter: He makes cakes . . Contestant: Kipling Street? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta? |
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BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm. . . Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark. JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er . . . Mexico? PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. THE VAULT (ITV) Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. |
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STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what? Contestant: Basketball. DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton. NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ? Contestant: Jelly. FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Penfold: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit. SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? |
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BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court. Contestant: Lepers. DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? TALKSPORT Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have? Caller: Two. Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...? Caller: Five. MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm... Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965? FAMILY FORTUNES. Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck? Contestant : Naomi Campbell Presenter : Name a dangerous race? Contestant :The Arabs |
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dont stop,bigmo
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