Went for my annual health check up with the nurse today
she suggested that i stop masterbating.
I said,*Why?"
she replied" Cos i'm trying to examine you!!!"

What did the father say to the paedophile on the beach? "Excuse me, you're in my son!"

A black cab driver picked up a Red Indian and his wife

When they reached the destination  the Red Indian told the cabby, his
wife 'Five Horses' would pay the fare

The cabby said "that's an unusual name, why is she called Five Horses?"

The Red Indian turned around to the cabby and slowly said

Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

This bloke goes to the doctors and has an exam, after the doctor says to him "Bad news I'm afraid, you have a new strain of Aids that is called HIV 556, it means you will be dead within three days." "are you sure, I can't believe it ??" says the bloke.
Doctor tells him to make the most of it.
He goes home and says to his mum "I've got HIV 556", his mum says "what does that mean then ?"
He says "It means I will be dead in three days"
"tell you what, come down the bingo hall with me" his mum says.
"The bingo hall" he replies, I'll be dead within three days.
Anyway they go to the bingo hall and he wins everything, four corners, any line, full house, up come the lottery results and he's won £15 million.
The bingo caller says to him "I've never seen anyone so lucky"
"Lucky !! he replies, I've got HIV 556"
"Bloody hell" says the bingo caller, "You have won the raffle as well !"

danniellasmincepies

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with the Monkees-I thought she was joking                                                                                                                                                                                                                     and then I saw her face

Aunty post, I've heard that one as   'Play T1ts And Fanny, play T1ts And Fanny !'        [;)]

My old manager told me that, he had tears running down his face.

I shoved some grapes up my girlfriends arse during sex last night. She didn't say anything, just let out a little wine.

May I post the piano player joke, or has that been done to death?

Nope.... this piano one.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'****g get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the f*cking manager of this pigsh*te middle class w*nk hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*te, I saw your poxy advert in the F*cking window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just *****ed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt’s blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'Err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful melody which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*tbox you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any tunes with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ring piece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but your titles are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your tunes or speak to the audience.'

'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a stunning blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your
trousers, and **** is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,
so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!

B*ll**ks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

save the crackers for christmas scissors ffs

I_got_12_points_again
Joined: 08 Mar 11
Replies: 1423 10 Jun 11 18:16   
Without licking 4rse... I thought Scissors Jokes were the best of the bunch... Short and to the point...

In that case:

Hoovers suck!

It's a bit silly, but I thought it was quite good, Chris Evans joke on Radio 2,

Chicken walks into a bar and says to man sat at bar, "Whats your name ?"

"Bond, James Bond.  Whats your name ?"

"Ken, Chick Ken."

An old rich jewish man was on his death bed.

He told his sons to send in his grandchildren so he could speak to them privately.

'Rachel, you're 19, my eldest grandchild, your fathers are after my money but they're not getting it until I buy all you grandchildren whatever you want. Now, my dear, what would you really like, you only have one choice, but the cost is immaterial.'

'I'd like a Mercedes, please grandfather.' said Rachel

'You shall have one.' said the old man.

Next up was a boy, 17 years of age.   

'Joseph, my eldest grandson, you heard what I said to Rachel, what do you want.' said the old man

Joseph said 'Grandfather, I'd like you to pay my university fees in full please, but Law is a 10 year course.' 

The old man smiled weakly 'No problem Joseph, consider it done.'

Another girl came next, she was 15.

'Ruth, you lovely girl, what is it that you want from your old grandfather?' he said. 

'I'd like a trust fund set up for when I'm 25 please grandfather.' said Ruth

'No problem, Ruth.' said the old man. 

Last but not least was Jacob, who was only 7 years old.

He was crying as he approached the bed and said 'Grandfather, I don't want anything except for you to get better.'

The old man said 'Money can't buy you life Jacob, you will learn as you get older. Now, there must be something you want. What is it ?'

Jacob dried his tears and said 'If you insist grandfather, all I want is a cowboy outfit.' 

'It shall be done.' the old man said. 

Rachel had her Mercedes, and was still driving it 10 years after the grandfather died, she was happy.

Joseph had left university and was now a barrister.

Ruth spent her trust money on property and is well on the way to being rich.

Joseph was the only one who was miserable - 10 years gone, and he was still the owner of West Ham United.

I_got_12_points_again

awarded 2 comedy points