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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?” |
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Presenter : Name a dangerous race?
Contestant :The Arabs  |
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Gary and Phil Neville are having a beer in their local pub with Gary's dog. A guy walks in off the street, lifts up one of the dogs' legs, sighs, then walks out.
A few minutes later the same happens again. A few minutes later the same happens again. At this point Gary kicks off > "what is it about my dog?", punter > " there's a bloke outside telling everyone there is a dog in this pub with 2 ****" |
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I was doing the missus from behind last night when i slipped a chocolate egg up her bum...
Kinder surprised her. |
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They said David Blaine's 41 amazing days marathon World Record for doing nothing in a box would never be beaten....
....In which case, it's hearty congratulations to Fernando Torres, 72 days and counting! |
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I never was good at remembering jokes.
There always had to be some motor mouth, at the bar, who would tell one that was totally unfunny and often went on for ages. At the end, I think the deal was that you were supposed to show appreciation, by breaking into hysterical laughter! He would then launch into a whole string, of equally unfunny material, and without being rude he was unstoppable. The one that always had me in stitches started "I say, I say, I say"! I can't remember the rest of it! |
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I say, I say, I say, my dogs got no nose.
How does he smell ? Aawful. (I'm sure that's not it though) |
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits
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Two Aussie builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: I reckon he`s an accountant. Eric: No way - he`s a stockbroker. Phil: He ain`t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn`t come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal., Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: No offence taken! I`m a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: Oh! Whats that then? Suit: I`ll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: Er...Mmm, Well yeah, I do as it happens. Suit: Well, it`s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: It`s in a pond! Suit: Well then it`s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden. Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: Well then it`s logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house. Phil: As it happens I`ve got a five-bedroom house... built it myself. Suit: Well given that you`ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven`t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil: Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: Me? Never. Suit: Well there you are! That`s logical science at work! Phil: How`s that then? Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I`ve told you about your sex life! Phil: I see! That`s pretty impressive... thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: I see the suit was in there,. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: Yep! He`s a logical scientist! Eric: What`s that then? Phil: I`ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: Nope Phil: Well then you`re a w*nker. |
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I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did. |
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I hate all this terrorist business.. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’
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My wife says she's leaving me because of my OCD.
"Fine!" I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out." |
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A friend recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.
Naturally, I expressed my concern about his wellbeing, but he dismissed my concerns, saying he could stop whenever he wanted to. |
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My sister brought her 9 week old daughter round to visit recently, and after feeding her, handed her to me and asked if I wanted to wind her. I thought, 'that's a bit rough'...so I only gave her a dead-leg instead.
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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power' |
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Gary Glitter has issued a statement on his release from prison,
'He wishes to go where he will be left in peace, alone, out of the spotlight and has no intention of travelling abroad in the forseeable future' Aston Villa have offered him a 3 year contract. |
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Great weather, It was so hot today I was sweating like Neil Lennon's postman
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!" |
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A penquin walks into a post office and says "have you any fish?"
"NO" replies the postmaster "this a post office,we only sell stamps and envelopes.." The next day the penquin returns and asks the same question again."No" the postmaster says getting angry "I told you yesterday we don't sell fish!!!!" The next day the penquin returns and cheekily asks "have you any fish?" The postmasters getting really fed up now and replies "NO,WE DON'T HAVE ANY COD,WE DON'T HAVE ANY TUNA,WE DON'T HAVE ANY FISH THIS IS A POST OFFICE!!!!COME IN HERE AGAIN AND I'LL NAIL YOUR FLIPPERS TO THE FLOOR FOR GAWDS SAKE!!" A day passes and theres no sign of the penquin and the postmaster thinks he must have got the message.Then,just before closing the penquin returns.... "Have you got any nails?" he asks,smiling. "No" replies the postmaster,exhausted after a long day. "In that case,"asks the penquin,"have you any fish?" |
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.
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Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.
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A lesbian goes to the gynaecologists for her annual downstaits check up, and while she has her feet up in the stirrups, the gynaecologist says to her..."I hope you don't mind me mentioning it, but you have the cleanest vagina I've examimined for many a year".
The lesbian replies.."And so it should be, I have a woman in twice a week". |
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Great weather, It was so hot today I was sweating like Neil Lennon's postman
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I met a woman the other day. Told me she was an lesbian and an asthmatic. She could only catch her breath in snatches.
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I crossed a Hyena with an Oxo cube and made myself a laughing stock
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A bloke walked into a shop and said 'Have you got any guitar tuition books?'
Man behind the counter said 'I can tell that you're really s drummer, not a guitarist.' 'How can you tell that ? You've never seen me before?' said the customer. The man behind the counter said 'This is a chip shop.' |
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Went into a specialist pet shop the other day to buy a tarantula for my daughter's birthday. The geezer wanted to charge me £250 quid. I thought, stuff that, I'll get one cheaper off the web.
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The vicar was walking along the road one day, when he heard a voice from underneath a nearby hedge.
"Help me, please help me", said the voice. The vicar looked down and there was a tiny little frog. "Hello vicar", said the frog, "I haven't always been a frog, you know. At one time I was a handsome little fair-haired, blue-eyed prince, but a wicked witch caught me and turned me into a frog! The only way I'll be a prince again is if someone takes me home and shows me lots of kindness." So the vicar took the little frog home with him, wrapped him in a warm towel, and gave him food and drink. It came to bedtime, and the vicar said: "You know, little frog, that I live alone and have only one bed, but you're most willing to share it with me." And the next morning, when the vicar awoke, lying next to him in the bed was a handsome little fair-haired, blue-eyed prince. And there, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, rests the case for the Defence. |
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Breaking News:
Arsenal bid for Real Madrid's Ramos. His ability to throw away trophies will match their style perfectly. |
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He said - Since I first laid eyes on you,
I have wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. |
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Two prostitutes on a street corner chatting away.
One says to the other..."you ever been picked up by the fuzz"? She responds, "No, but I've been swung by the t1ts a few times". |
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went out last friday and got p1ssed out my mind, i woke up
to this ugly fat sweaty bird who was snoring grunting and f@rting, i thought thank f**k for that atleast i made it home! |
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I crossed a Hyena with an Oxo cube and made myself a laughing stock
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I was standing in line at the cash point the other day, when this myopic old bird asked if I would check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Paddy and Mick on the Titanic,
"Where's everyone gone Paddy" "Oh they will all be on the top deck listening to the live music Mick" "Didn't you hear the fella announce A band on ship" |
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a young girl loses her job in the chippie, when her dad goes out
to find out why the owner says "i found her with the potatoe peeler up her @rse" The dad says "let me see this potatoe peeler?".."No" replies the owner "i sacked him aswell" |
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Man goes to the doctors as he's got problems with his @rse.
He's bending over and the doctor's taking a look. The doctor notices that the man's got a piece of lettuce sticking out of his rear end. He tells the man what he's found, and the man heaves a sigh of relief, but the doctor says to him in a rather grave tone, "I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg". |
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I got a book about helium gas.
I can't put it down. |