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Got any jokes?
Got any jokes?
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Replies: 14,654
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I had a bit of luck last year.
I got home and said to the wife 'Pack your bags, I've won the Lottery.' She asked 'What shall I pack for, summer or winter ?' I said 'Just pack 'em... and fack off.' |
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My wife's awkward.
I told her I was taking her on a world cruise. She said 'I want to go somehwere else.' |
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We've been married for 40 years and still go out to dinner twice a week.
I go Tuesdays, she goes Fridays. |
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Our sex life was going downhill a bit, so I said to the wife 'If you were to errr...shave.... it could get me going.'
She was in the bathroom for over half an hour, and came out with a facking bald head. |
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Me and the wife had an argument once over sex before marriage, when we came home early and caught our 17 year old daughter at it with her boyfriend on the settee.
I said to the wife 'It's not fair having a go at her, I shagged you before we were married' She said 'So did your mates.'  |
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After those last five lame attempts by Seedgirl(sorry) I amazed to find myself asking Bigmo if he has any more Latvian jokes!
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Why did the farmer get an award
Because he was outstanding in his field |
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I filled up a thread with funny offensive jokes and it got pulled.
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I got a job at a jet wash yesterday.
Facking hard work tyring to wash something doing 700 m.p.h. |
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Helmuthian Folds
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I'm Josef Fritzl, and no Windows was my idea.
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I was in a shop and a man was throwing milk cheese and yogurt at me
I thought how dairy!! |
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Dear Children,
Santa is Mom and Dad. Love, Wikileaks |
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Dave drowned
So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt Well, it's what he would have wanted |
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"David, you are planning a return to the Premiership with Tottenham, you have only ever played for one other Premiership club - Manchester United - have you thought about the stick?"
"Yeah, she'll be fine, she loves London." |
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My Nan caught me wanking the other night,she was so shocked she had a stroke..
..such lovely soft hands |
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My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs
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So, Katie Price has announced her separation from husband Alex Reid.
I think the only person who didn't see that coming was Harvey |
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I went busking with a pencil and a sketchpad the other day.
Didn't earn any money, but I did manage to draw a crowd |
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Two prostitutes having a natter at the end of the day.
One says, "Have you been busy today?" The other replies, "Busy!!! I must have had 20 clients at least. I've been up and down those stairs all day long". "Oh, your poor feet". |
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I am getting really sick of receiving hundreds of text messages, telephone calls and emails about my dog after it savaged a muslim to death.
For fooks sake it is NOT for sale !!! |
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I was shagging this bird over the kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
"It's my husband, quick try the back door" she said. Thinking back I should have done a runner but you dont get invites like that every day. |
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I got my girlfriend a Prince CD for valentines day.
It was expensive, 20 quid. But I partied like it was £19.99 |
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My new girlfriend thinks I'm a bit of a stalker...
Well, she's not actually my girlfriend... |
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I was in the pub the other night with the missus and said out loud "I love you"
She looked at me and said "Is that you or the beer talking?" Daft cow, it was me talking to the beer. |
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a midget walks into a library and asks for a book on irony..
..the librarian says "its over there on the top shelf" |
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BREAKING NEWS : UN have said if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can't do any harm to anyone... up front for Leicester.
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I've just had an email back from Screwfix
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency... |
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Finally some good news for Agoraphobics - the cure is just around the corner...
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Went to my allotment yesterday and someone had put six inches
of soil everywhere.... The same happened today. The plot thickens... |
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news .. My husband passed away last night" The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' |
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So you think we live in a tollerant society?
Well last night I took the wife for a celebration meal at the Italian. Some other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and 'a cradle snatcher', all because I'm a 53 year old man with a 21 year old wife. It totally ruined our 10th anniversary. |
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keep em coming bigmo... |
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ditto
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oh dear, there must be something wrong with me. i actually laughed at this one
Joke: Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son’s body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. |
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^^
..even better the 2nd time round. |
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That's the problem with them Latvian jokes I swear the more you go back and read them the funnier they get. It's crazy.
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I won't be shagging the missus this weekend, it's that time of the month..
Payday. |
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I put some body spray on last night, but I only managed to pull Anne Robinson.
It must have been the weakest Lynx? |
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BBC News:' A banana was thrown onto the field during Brazil's 2-0 victory and Neymar accused some fans of racist behaviour.'
Can't help but think suspicions should have been raised when a Scot was seen buying fruit. |
