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Ten Green Bottles are no longer suggested to be left sitting on any walls because if one accidentally falls it is likely to be picked up by close circuit tv and councils are expected to fine the bottles' owners four figure sums for causing a public disturbance or even face a jail sentence.It is now more politically correct to take your green bottles to the correct coloured bottle bank (preferably by wind powered vehicle) where they can be recycled into fleecy multi coloured tops for Third World neighbours

next: Newcastle Brown

It is an unknown fact that Bella Emberg was the first choice for the starring role of Wonder Woman in 1975 However, on filming the first episode Bella was asked to do a pirouette and her monstrous weight screwed her straight into the floorboards.
Much huffing and puffing took place to extract her from this embarrassing predicament for several hours - including 18 JCBs chained to a tug boat - all to no avail. Eventually the director had no other option than to forlornly sigh "Get Carter" and the understudy made the part her own.

Next: Weight Watchers

In yet another attempt to come up with a new reality programme, the BBC will place 10 overweight people in a wood, where they will have to eat what they find.
Called 'Weightwatchers,' viewers will be able to tune in each evening for a fortnight, while Bill Oddie and Kate Humble comment on the goings on.

Next: Long Curly Blond Hair

Long, Curly and Blond-Hair (Il Lungo, Il Riccio, Il Capelli Biondi) was the title of a film made in Italy in the 1960s. A so-called Pasta Western, it told the story of three hairdressers (Maurice, Julian and Tarquin) who hear about a shipment of hairdryers stolen on its way to an army base and hidden in an unmarked grave. The finale involves a three-way catfight in which Blond-Hair (Tarquin) defeats Long (Maurice) by three bi tchy remarks to one. Curly (Julian) is all cross because Blond-Hair has removed his best shampoo the night before and is unable to fight on grounds that he doesnt look his best. Blond-Hair, magnanimously, shares half the hairdryers with him though, so thats nice.

The film was not a success, and Sergio Leone stole the idea and in 1966 re-wrote and re-shot it in Spain just to confuse everyone about what a Spaghetti Western was.

Next: Arch Stanton.

One year, so used were they to him losing all the time, fans on Henman Hill failed to notice a BBC slip up.

Already lined up on the VCR for broadcast the minute he lost was Henmans post-match losing speech (recorded 7 years previously and repeated every tournament to save time recording a new one).

Also on another machine was a copy of A Tale of Two Cities, which Sue Barker and co were watching to alleviate the boredom.

Somebodys stray elbow accidentally pressed the transmit button, and the live broadcast of Tim in his decline was replaced by Sydney Carton uttering It is a far far better thing I do now than I have ever done before.

On Henman Hill they failed to notice the change. Grown men still cried embarrassingly, irritating women started forlornly shouting Come on, Syd! in the hope that somehow hed be able to defy being two sets down and on his way to the guillotine to win through. But they must have known it wasnt to be. The door of the cart came open at one point. Surely Sydney would escape to freedom, the crowd on Henman Hill cheered in expectation. Syd made a fist and mouthed Come on to himself, but forgot to jump out and the door was soon closed again. Barely anyone noticed the difference when the tennis came back on.

Next: Dotheboys Hall.

t.

Dotheboys Hall was the first presenter of It's A Knockout. Unfortunately, his co-presenter Eddie Waring caught him with an up and under in his dressing room and brother Stuart was asked to step in when Dotheboys could no longer mince.

Next: Playing the joker

After struggling to find someone remotely interested in playing the joker in the next Batman film: 'Batman Loses Robin in A Poker Game' the producers turned to the chit-chat forum for the part. The only contenders were SDK and minjita. Guess who won?

Next: Kerpow!

Robert Hayes star of the Airplane! trilogy (there were only two of them, but that's not important right now) never starred in any other films and was last seen 'Flipping Burger's at Macey's', whatever that means.
Chuck Connors on the other hand starred, regrettably, in hundreds of films and TV series. He made his real money though by inventing the game 'Chuck Connors Tin Can Alley' based on his 'Airplane! The Sequel' appearance when he shot some cans that were in an alley, I believe.
He will always be remembered for this game, because he was'nt much of an actor.
Leslie Nielson on the other hand, however, is 84.

Next: I'ts a big building with patients.

Advert from Farmers Weekly magazine:


- Farmers are you sick of fencing? Does the thought of buying all that netting and posts make your wallet tremble?

- Does having to repair netting because some thoughtless Townie has cut it to get his 4 by 4 through fill you with anger (make and shake angry fist now)?

- Are you constantly finding your sheep and cows in the lane because theyve got out due to bad fencing or vandalism?

Well the solution for today is here today. Save time, save money (in the long run), save effort with the new range of Virtual Reality headsets for sheep and cattle. Yes, these superior headsets fit on the head of Shaun the sheep, or Ermintrude the cow. What the boisterous bovine sees is a virtual field, with, yes you guessed it, virtual fences. Most cunningly of all, if the adventurous types in the herd decide to test the virtual fence, theyll get a real shock as they approach it.

Just think of it, no more horrible wires, barbed wire, sheep, pig and cattle netting cluttering up the countryside, or time spent erecting and maintaining it all. So call 08703 3446789 today, or Text Eweve convinced me to another number altogether for your free quote. You can Cownt on us.

Next: The Wurzels

The Wurzels were responsible for possibly the most effective chat up line in the 1970s when it was guaranteed that any young strumpet would go weak at the knees when being offered the key to a combine harvester. They gradually fell into obscurity in the 80s when years of cider drinking and straw chewing began to take their toll.
However there has been a resurgence of late and at Glastonbury last week, rapper Jay Z's homage to the group with 'Hey **, I've got a new Flymo and I'm gonna give it to my bro so he can cut my lawn so' went down as one of the festivals major highlights

next: Iced tea

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The drinks menu at my local caff goes like this:

Coffee 90p
Tea 80p
Hot Choc 90p
Can Coke 60p
Glass Milk 60p
Iced Tea 37.99p
Lemon Tea 246.14p

'Why are the Iced Tea and Lemon Tea so expensive?' I enquired of the spotty youth who came to take my order.

'Coz we aint got no ice and we aint got no lemons and never ave' came the reply.

Next: Acne

'Acne is a borough of London and has a much missed dog track. It is now populated heavily by poncey actor types. Because it was originally mosquito infested swampland many of the original tribesmen of the area were covered in bites. Boadicea, on first visiting the area, declared ' cor blimey...these geezers are full of acne' , and the name stuck. (she quickly turned her chariot for fear of ruining her boat race)

next: The Sidney Street Siege

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'The Postage Stamp' was a dance popular in the outlying reaches of Congleton in the mid 50s. Postal strikes were then, as now, a common occurance, and locals developed the dance along the same lines as a Red Indian rain dance, with lots of whooping and starting up at the skies. The 1957 hit 'Do the Stamp' by Ted Letter and the Envelopes epitomised the bouncy rhythm.

CBS television's idea for a hit show had been to get a suave old crooner to go round singing and MC-ing in clubs and solving crimes. Bing Crosby was keen to do it as he'd turned down Columbo, which was a great success. Everything was set, then the singer went and died (in breach of his contract to the studio). They auditioned hundreds of hopefuls, the closest was Jack Klugman who was very suave and charming, but couldn't sing at all. But they had to go ahead, though the studio feared it was going to be a turkey of a series.

The studio 'boy' had all the letters and went out to stick them on the black car they had originally bought for Bing, but he mixed the letters up and spelled Crooner as Coroner. That's when the idea hit them and Quincy MC became Quincy ME, and a succesful show was born.

Next: Doctor at Large.

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In a bid to boost church funds during the credit crunch many enlightened vicars have hit upon the idea of updating the traditional harvest festival by encouraging their parishioners to celebrate by bringing in any spare vital organs they have this summer. It is hoped that many bell towers will be saved from disrepair from kidney donation alone. If you want to contribute please leave whatever you can in the font on your next visit

next: Derek Nimmo