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So impressed was Gene Rodenberry with Derek Nimmo's ears in 'All Gas And Gaiters' he cast him (without audition) for his new tv blockbuster in 1966.
Derek proceeded to stumble through his lines and could only mutter "Hhhhhhighly illllllllllogical" with any real conviction - much to Gene's despair. As the production budget was tight and the actor's named chairs had already been bought, there was no other option than to turf Nimmo out and replace him with a 'near enough'. Leonard Nimoy, forever grateful, always insisted his gansey had the look of a dog-collar in tribute to his lucky break. Next: Fashion Doctors |
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Fashion Doctors is the latest smash hit soap to hit the US tv airwaves. Based in St Versace Hospital, Chicago its the latest brainchild of David Hasselhoff who coincidentally takes the lead role of Dr Yves Galliano. He's ably assisted by crack surgeons, Naomi Campbell and Rachel Hunter, who not only manage to perform open heart surgery in undersized high heels and the latest designer haute couture, but still look a million dollars despite their 80 hour week schedules.
In the latest episode, the hospital faces its greatest ever test when a bus load of ugly young women are brought in to be treated. Dr Galliano faces an agonising decision when his team become infected with a deadly strain of mingeritis Next: Colonic irrigation |
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Alien 5: The Colonic Irrigation is the latest and most disappointing film in the Alien franchise. This sees**Ripley once more doing battle with the moody, acid-blooded, double-jawed monsters while recovering from her last encounter at a health farm on Delta Beta 3. The face-hugging aliens have changed tactic and are now going for the ar se, which is especially vulnerable what with all the fatties laying on their stomachs with their bums in the air awaiting treatment.
Nervous MGM officials seeking to test audience reaction to this graphic film previewed it to the Maiden Aunts Society for Truth and Beauty in America. Several died of shock, and the film is yet to make official release, although Sigourney Weaver is already working on yet another sequel, Aliens 6: How Desperate Can We Get? Next: All done in the best possible taste. |
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the best possible taste is a very subjective matter, Fact
Next ;jesus was the son of god |
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Godfrey Evans, nicknamed 'God' probably the finest wicket keeper to ever have played for England hardly ever dropped a catch. So much so that Trevor Bailey who always fielded at first slip when they played together began to say 'Jesus, God son, you'll drop one soon' as God gloved catch after catch with monotonous regularity.
It became such a catchprase that when Godfrey's first son was born in 1952 he just had to call him Jesus. Next: Fine Leg |
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Long leg, fine leg, deep fine leg, square fine leg, straight fine leg, short leg, square short leg, forward short leg, square leg, deep square leg, deep forward square leg, deep backward square leg, leg slip and leg gulley are all names for positions on the cricket field.
The position of silly short leg was outlawed by the cricket authority in 1932 after Fred Legge, a player from the Nether Wallop village cricket team (which was amalgamated with the Middle Wallop and Over Wallop teams after the war due to a severe shortage of players) sustained a devastating injury when he was hit by a cricket ball in his middle stump during a friendly match with Netherhampton and lost both his googlies. It was small consolation for Fred that the umpire had ironically declared the delivery a no-ball. Reduced to the position of scorer, a task which he never quite managed to master, Fred died in 1933, a dispirited man. His wife Margaret, who no longer saw the humour in being called Peg Legge, eventually remarried and moved to Ipswich. To this day, the outlawed position of silly short leg is still referred to in cricketing circles as Dead Leg. Next: Susan Hampshire OBE |
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In all the mighty struggles of good versus evil, the big bully versus the underdog, no struggle won the hearts and minds of the British people more than the battle of Susan in Hampshire. In 1942, German paratroops (for reasons best known to Hitler himself) descended on the outskirts of the quiet hamlet of Susan. What followed was a titanic struggle in which the underdogs, the Home Gaurd of the quiet little village of Susan, resisted all that the nasty Germans could throw at them. Their wooden rifles and home made petrol bombs were no match for the Third Reichs sophisticated weaponry.
Yet Susan held out bravely for 3 years before finally being overwhelmed. Finally the war ended and the Germans surrendered. It was only then that the rest of the world found out about Susans struggle. Well, we didnt want to make a fuss were BRITISH, you know! said the Mayor when asked why the invasion of Susan hadn't come to anyone's notice. It was then that Susan, Hampshire was awarded an immediate OBE for its steadfast resistance. Next: The Eagles has Landed. |
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From 'Angling News'
In his first UK competition since becoming a professional angler, Joe Walsh, former member ot The Eagles, has landed a 43lb pike to win The UK championship on the River Trent. Commenting on his victory Walsh said ' I guess I just got lucky. As one of my old songs says Life's been Good to me So Far' He then picked up his geetarsang the song to grat appreciation from the gathered fisherers: I have a mansion forget the price Ain't never been there they tell me it's nice I live in hotels tear out the walls I have accountants pay for it all They say I'm crazy but I have a good time (Everybody say oh, yeah.....OH,YEAH) I'm just looking for clues at the scene of the crime Life's been good to me so far My Maserati does 185 I lost my license now I don't drive I have a limo ride in the back I lock the doors in case I'm attacked I make hit records, my fans they can't wait They write me letters tell me I'm great So I got me an office, gold records on the wall Just leave a message maybe I'll call Lucky I'm sane after all I've been through Everybody says I'm cool (He's cool) I can't complain but sometimes I still do Life's been good to me so far I go to parties sometimes until four It's hard to leave when you can't find the door It's tough to handle this fortune and fame Everybody's so different I haven't changed They say I'm lazy but it takes all my time Everybody says Oh yeah (Oh yeah) I keep on going guess I'll never know why Life's been good to me so far Next: Tight Lines |
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Tight Lines (Don't Do It) is the updated version of Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five's 1983 'classic' now they've joined the anti-fishing lobby.
Next: PC gone mad |
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The Fenny Compton Garden Centre has found itself in the spotlight recently by being the first to be successfully prosecuted under new legislation which makes it illegal to call a spade a spade. Proprietor, Penny Compton, was arrested when she refused to relabel her garden spades as hand-held cultivation devices. She plans to appeal.
The new legislation also stipulates that dogs must be neutered and not spayed, and that the suit of spades in playing cards must now be referred to as diggers. This has backfired somewhat as card players everywhere, incensed by the new law, have begun calling them by a rhyming word which is even more politically incorrect. Next: Three No Trumps |
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Entertainment Gossip:
There was humiliation at Michael Jacksons Hollywood party last night when The Big Three - Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill - turned up with pals Donald and Ivana Trump to celebrate Michaels birthday. The Big Three allied leaders were on the guest list and felt they had enough clout to sneak in the Trumps, who were not, but despite the Threes pleading, the bouncer was having none of it: Sorry Three, No Trumps I have my orders. Next: The kid is not my son. |
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The first hint that Michael Jackson could be a bit wacko came in 1983 when he tried to convince the public that there was nothing between him and tennis player Billie Jean King and even tried to suggest they had had an illegitimate love child. Wimbledon officials were outraged and Jacko was banned from presenting the boys singles prize that year on Centre Court...if only they had heard the B side 'Forever Blowing Bubbles' the punishment could have been much worse.
next: Up the Hammers! |
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'Up the Hammers!' was a football related remake of 'Up The Junction,' Made in the early 1980's it chronicled in almost pornographic detail this poor team getting stuffed all over the country.
Next: Peters, Moore and Hurst. |
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Peters, Moore and Hurst were a novelty pop act from the 70s. Peters played the piano, and wore very dark glasses so everyone would think he was blind. Moore and Hurst harmonised at his side and looked pretty. Their first hit was Welcome Back Home whose lyrics are reprinted without kind permission:
Back home, theyll be thinking about us When we are far away (for sure) Welcome back home, welcome Come on in and close the door, Youve been gone, too long, Welcome, your home once Bobby Moore. However they split in 1975 with Martin Peters teaming up with Francis Lee to form Peters and Lee, who went on to record I Get Chivers Down My Spine. Next: Jules Rimet's still gleaming. |
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Jules Rimet was born and raised in Louisiana in the late 1800s. His life was quite unremarkable until the prohibition era when he became one of the leading suppliers of moonshine. Sadly, he was fatally wounded in a shoot-out with the F.B.I. in 1930; his wife and new-born son, Jules Jr., fled to France and were never heard of again.
The equipment which JR used to produce his much sought-after illegal liquor, deep in the woods, was discovered by a party of lost ramblers in 1956 and painstakingly restored by the American Heritage Society. It is now on display in a museum in Baton Rouge, and for an entry fee of just $5 you can once again see Jules Rimets still, gleaming under the spotlights. |
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next: The Dark Side Of The Moon
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Many followers of the Unification Church were forced to question their beliefs in the early 90s when their leader Sun Myung Moon decided it would be more fun to bless mass marriages by swinging his light sabre at the unsuspecting couples in order to make their union 'more powerful than they could possible imagine'. The Reverend Moon has become a recluse ever since although their are rumours that he is largely behind the funding of the building of Korea's new Death Star which is due to be launched from Pyong Yang in 2012
next: The Axis of Evil |
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A 19 year-old girls dream of working with small children was shattered last week when she won a TV talent contest and was mistakenly branded The Axis Of Evil in front of millions of viewers. Unfortunately the name seems to have stuck. She has been teased mercilessly by all her friends, and the tabloid newspapers have had a field-day with it!
No-one is quite sure if the commentator deliberately mispronounced her name or if the audience simply misheard it, but Alexis of Yeovil in Somerset is reportedly claiming a six-figure sum in damages from the producers of the programme for emotional distress. Next: Identity crisis |
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PR men and psychiatrists gathered at No. 10 today to address Gordon Browns worsening identity crisis. Torn between being Prime Minister of the UK, and his more normal and natural role of the Troll who lives under The Bridge and wont let you pass, the PMs team have worked slavishly to correct the problem. All to no avail it seems, as yet again a cabinet meeting was abandoned when the PM failed to show. He wasnt that far away and was found at his usual place: under Blackfriars Bridge with someones half-chewed femur sticking out from the corner of his mouth. What? he said gruffly, when Hazel Blears disapproving expression greeted him on the mudflats under the arches.
Next: Banged up in the Tower. |
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Blackpool has many claims to fame. The Golden Mile, the Illuminations the Pleasure Beach, co ckles, mussels, sandcastles, howling gales, Stan Mortensen's hat trick and Jethro Tull being formed there.
The most famous however is the Tower. Standing over 30 miles high, couples from all over the world visit so they can claim to have 'done it' at the highest point on Earth. The gift shop has made a fortune by selling to young ladies the 'I've Been Banged Up in The Tower' badges and other amusing commorative souveneirs of their experience. Next: Tall Stories |
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Tall stories is a popular weekly soap on the planet large in the nebulon galaxy. It features all sorts of things.
next: nebulon |
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Nebulon is a British man-made fibre invented in the late 1930s at around the same time as nylon, with which it competed in the marketplace for a while. However, its property of vaporising when coming into contact with water proved to be its downfall when the Doris Winthrop Formation Dancing Team, whose outfits were made entirely from the new material, was left naked on the dance floor at the Hammersmith Palais when the sprinklers accidentally burst into life.
Next: Nudity in the workplace |
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Health & Safety At Work Act (1989)
Section 5 (Appropriate Clothing At Work) Sub Section (iv) Nudity In The Workplace Nudity in the Workplace is not recommended for the Following Occupations. Cooking (esp Fish/Chip Frying) Gymnast ( Rhythmic or otherwise) Bus Conducting Optician Paintshop Workers Welding (Inc Brass Monkey work) Icelandic Whaling TV Presenting (Unless as a Contractual Obligation) It is Recomended for the Following. Striptease Artists ( Shoes/Tassels Optional) Lady Godiva Impersonators ( Hair to be long and appropriately arranged, inc. wigs) Jamie Lee Curtis Next: A Fish Called Wanda |
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As much as I tried I couldnt compete with this entry in Wikipedia regarding the film:
In 1989, a Danish audiologist, Ole Bentzen, died after laughing while watching the film. His heart was estimated to have beat at between 250 and 500 beats per minute, before he succumbed to cardiac arrest. A Fish Called Wanda is therefore now on a select list including The Exorcist, A Clockwork Orange and Carry On Camping which are banned in Denmark by censors. next: Probably the best beer in the world |
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That actually IS an amazing fact! :^0
Not very funny of course for Ole Bentzen :( |
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I was once asked by a ventriloquist, where he could buy the best beer in the world. I recommended Saville Row.
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(Recommended: Saville Row)
Now then, now then, cigar, gold chains, jew el ree, Weve had a letter this week from a Charles Ollywobble, aged 9, who asks: Dear Jim, can you**it for me to come and stay with you at Saville Row, where you live ( I think?). I am clean, helpful and polite and need only a mattress and some bread and water each day ows about that then? I would dearly like to come and live with you and spend your money on betfair, you bleached haired old git. PS, could you also arrange for me to meet and take out for a curry that nice Shirley Jones from the Par-tridge-fam-ily? Thank you in hope and expectation, Charles. Well young man, now then, now then, of course Jim can**it for you, but youll need some nice new gear if you are to impress the lovely miss Jones, oh yes, so with-that-in-mind, guys and gals, well take you shopping, Charles to Next: Clothes maketh the Man. |
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hmmmm
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I'm quite pleased that a certain someone wasnt 'next' or would have to put my hand firmly in mouth...but unfortunately the link seems to have left me dumbfounded for time being
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Looks like I've upset a couple of you. Sorry about that, no offence was intended colly, I just wanted a random name, should have picked my own with hindsight. If you want to carry on from Rod's last entry fine by me, I'll retire disgracefully from the afcl.
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Nooooooooooooooo Boggle I was joking (in a hamfisted way as it turns out)
God if I was to get offended by that after all the dirt we dish on here to 'celebreties' then I'd be a hypocrite of the highest order, which I'm not ( I hope) Please accept my sincere apologies if I gave you the wrong impression. You are the best poster on this thread imo and it would be a sad place without you Grovel Over!! |
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And I think Rod meant the odious Jimmy Saville.
Rod? |
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yes Colly I had too many visions of Mr**It running around my head....sorry if you misinterpreted Boggle
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Boggle Hole near Robin Hood's Bay in North Yorkshire is famous for two things. Firstly it's majestic views across the Bay from the Youth Hostel.
Secondly the game Boggle was invented there by a US student who was fiddling about with a word game on one of the many rainy afternoons they have there and thirdly (it is famous for three things)the Mill was used to power the first ever steam driven power loom to mass produce the clothes that finally maketh the man. Fourthly (make that four things)it is there that the baby forumite boggle was found in the ravine, in a crib by hikers out for a stroll and called him boggle for that is his name. Pilgrims of THe Amazing Fact Chain Letter have just opened a shrine to the great man which features penguins that can be interchanged, the late Kenneth Connor's undercarriage and the whole cast of Dad's Army lovingly reborn in wax, with Private Godfrey tied to a chair. Next: The Great Man Returns! |
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