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A proposal from Newcastle United to the FA Rules Committee, that the club be allowed to narrow the space between the goalposts at St James' park to 2 feet, in an attempt to stem the flow of goals conceded by the home team, was labelled controversial by the press.
Next: Soft southern nancies |
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If only Oliver Twist had been set up north it would have had a different ending. Where as soft**ney lass Nancy met a sticky end at the hand of Bill Sykes..if only Dickens had set the story in Dewsbury it would panned out in other ways..Oliver would have not been a real orphan after all and it would have been Sykes meeting his maker by not turning up for his dinner on time.
next: Ferret legging |
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In a desperate atempt to find yet another popular talent show the BBC have commisioned a Ferret Legging champoinship. The winner being the participant who could keep a hungry ferret down his trousers for the longest period.
Unfortunately during rehersals Graham Norton paused so long between saying.'And the winner is'........and announcing who the winner was, that the poor floorman, who was standing in as a contestant, had his entire wedding tackle completely devoured by the ravenous rodent in the meantime. Next: |
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Next: Britain's Got Talent.
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All those who constantly snipe at the dearth of British sporting prowess were forced to eat their words when the Brits officially became the world leaders in Extreme Ironing in 2002...a title they still hold..if only this were to become an Olympic event along with bog snorkelling, cheese rolling and gurning..the whole world would see Britain for what it really is full of
next: The Bognor Birdman |
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t t ttt
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Bognor is not famed for its prison, which is on a little island just far enough out from the seafront as to be invisible to bathers, its not something they want to boast about, having a load of cons nearby.
Inside in 1961 was long-term armed robber, The Birdman of Bognor, imprisoned for a crime he did commit. He acquired his nickname through his audacious escape bid in 1961. He spent weeks collecting seagulls (when questioned about them, he swore that he had developed a gentle love of birds) which he kept in his cell. One night, after lights out, he hid a dummy hed made of himself in his bed, escaped through a hole in the wall hed been digging in the back wall, and climbed up on the roof. Using prison issue glue from the workshop, he glued all the seagulls to an old overcoat, put it on, and running for all he was worth, leapt into the air towards the coast. No one knows for sure what happened to the Birdman of Bognor from here. Some say he was unaware of the strong channel thermals that made escaping by air extremely arduous, and was carried aloft way out to sea never to be seen again. Others say he made it. The day after the escape, the governor walking along the pier discovered a single, white feather that when he held it up to his nose smelled suspiciously of Evostick. The mystery remains forever unsolved. Next: Burt Lancaster. |
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Burt Gubberwich realised his surname wasn't one that would help to make him a Hollywood star. One day he went in a bookshop anmd happened upon a map of North West England. He decided to stick a pin in it and adopt the name of whatever place in which the pin penetrated. He **ed though as he didn't like the first one which was Lytham St Annes.
Next: The Fleetwood Tram |
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The Fleetwood Tram was the first name that came to mind when Mick Fleetwood and Peter Green were deciding on a name for their new band in the 60s. This was down to Green's reluctance to put his name to anything that might link him to fish as he'd already had a paranoid experience from eating too many whelks and in a visionary moment from that episode had realised what he was later to become. However, from a small boy he'd always omitted the final 'p' off any word and the record company thought the name was absolute cra.
Next: Macs come in useful sometimes |
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very good that Tommy!
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The great poet William McGonnagle's last poem as he died of pneumonia was thus:
I went out on a rainy night And bitter was the cold Without so much as a jumper I was feeling so bold When I got home I spent hours Looking for summat that rhymes With the line: A mac can be useful Sometimes. Next: The Poetry Circle |
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The Poetry Circle goes round and round and round
Without a sound How many circular poets are on Betfair? I'll say 2 - for a dare. Poetry and gambling, the mix is so strange But for 2, you can guage The markets and the ups and downs That cause so many frowns... Next: A limerick |
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There was a young..............................
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From the Racing Post.
Young apprentice A.Limerick rode his first winner from only his third ride today when the filly Darjeeling scooted up the hill to take the 3yo maiden at Pontefract this afternoon. Interviewed by ATR after the race he was asked about the filly. 'There once was a filly called Darjeeling' began Limerick, 'that had a peculiar feeling, so she laid on her back, opened her....' At which point the interview was abruptly cut short as they were all in for an important cartoon race at Portman Park. Next: Tea |
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Very, very good Colly!
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Come on you lot, thousands of threads about complete and utter rubbish and this one where you can show some creative writing is dying. Get to it!!
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Its about time sparkmaster had a go, imo.
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indeed
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Tea! was a 1960s hippie musical about the wonderful leafy stuff from the East. Who can forget the great song lyrics: Tea, brew it, stew it, This is the dawning of the age of a Tetleyus and other tea-related shanties?
The themes of the musical covered contemporary issues of the times the sexual revolution from a tea drinkers perspective, avoiding the Draft to Vietnam because this hampered somewhat ones ability to attend afternoon tea sessions at the Harrington-Smythes. Drug culture, astrology and religion were also covered (and dismissed) as when you have a caddie full of Yorkshire Tea, what else do you really need? Paul Nicholas sang in the title song from the show. Next: Hanoi Jane. |
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welcome back boggle!! I was beginning to think it was just me, the tumbleweed and my memories left!
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At the height of her anti vietnam stance, Jane Fonda attempted to get all her Hollywood pals to make anti-war films. So she encouraged her dad Henry to have a word with some of his old mates.
Hence the release of The Road to The Meekong Delta, starring Bob Hope and Bing Crosby as hapless US marines and Dorthy Lamour as the Vietnamese love interest, whom they constantly fought over in a good natured fashion while razing villages to the ground. Songs from the film included Bing's classic: 'I'm Dreaming of a Napalm Christmas' and what became Bob's signature tune: ' Thanks for the Memorial Cemetary' Next: The Bob Hope Classic |
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The Bob Hope Classic - originally known as The Palm Springs Golf Classic and inaugurated in 1960.
The first, and still most prolific, winner of the tournament was the one and only Arnold Palmer who has won the tournament five times.. A little known fact is that Arnold Palmer had a role in one of Bob Hope's films - 'Call me Bwana' in 1963. Next: The Masons |
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Addition: Bob Hope was the son of a STONE MASON...
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Cheers colly, nice one, another movie that Id really like to see!
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Cheers colly, nice one, another movie that Id really like to see!
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but not twice :(
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The Masons was the original forerunner of The Osbournes. Running for two years on the radio in the 1950s it introduced us to the wonderfully wacky world of the actor James Mason and his family who would perform daring acts like having two spoons of sugar in their tea and serving cucumber sandwiches with crusts on at their garden parties. It ended after complaints from the audience that Mason was taking his villainous persona too far after running through his butler with a sword after he failed to warm the pot before tiffin.
next: Gentlemans Relish |
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Gentlemans Relish, an anchovy paste the first purpose made pollyfilla to appear in Great Britain was invented by Lord Palmerstons manservant, Arthur Relish. As usual, it was all a quite frightful misunderstanding. Lord Palmerston had asked the ever-reliable Relish to bring him something to fill a hole, and not the usual bland stuff, but something a bit tangy to boot. At the time of this exchange, his Lordship was pondering a large crack in the plaster ceiling of his stately home, Crumbly Towers.
Relish returned from his spell in the kitchens with a paste that he had thrown together with cook that he hoped would satisfy his old skinflint masters desire to patch up the old place at no expense. Relishs countenance did not alter as His Lordship proceeded to dip his finger in the paste and lick it off. Good man! But beeswax and blast it, whats gotten into you? Cant eat it with no bread or cucumbers or whatnot - eh what! Realising his mistake, and not wishing to look a fool, Relish coolly returned to the kitchens to fetch some sandwiches. Ever after Palmerston would offer the paste to his guests, and it quickly became known as Relishs Stuff before taking on the commercial name of Gentlemans Relish as it is known by today. Next: Duke of Wellington. |
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Arthur Wellesley, the first Duke of Wellington was popularly called the 'Iron' Duke after his victory at Waterloo. It is unclear whether this moniker related to his steely determination or his sexual leanings but it was enough to be misconstrued by the**ney populus who believed him to be a Graham Norton type figure and bestowed him with sequin riding breeches as a gift for his services to the nation
next: Craggy Island |
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Craggy Island, a proposed sequel to Fantasy Island, but this time featuring only guests who were really craggy-faced, was cancelled after Gordon Ramsey and Keith Richard fell out over some suncream. Alan Sugar and Jack Palance later sued over breach of contract.
Next: The F Word |
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As any fcuker will tell you the real F word is floccinaucinihilipilification which has been banned from tv ever since an embarassing incident on Call My Bluff when Patrick Campbell tried to decipher the true meaning and the whole ensuing primetime BBC slot had to be cancelled
next: Everyone's a fruit and nut case |
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Following the embarrssing revelations that he has been plagiarising others work to make himself look even cleverer than Richard and Judy ever believed, smarmy psychiatrist Dr Raj Patel has been secretly filmed at his discount private clinic 'Patel's Corner Shop and Lobotomy Emporium' allegedly discussing his clientele:
'Aye we've got some right doozies in here at the minute' he allegedly says, adding 'Everyone's a fruit and nut case' The BMA are studying the tapes. Next: Electro Convulsive Therapy |
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As campaign slogans go Electro Convulsive Therapy is that really what you want? Go on, say 'No' one more time, I dares ya is not among the EUs most heart-warming since they started appearing in the wake of last weeks Irish referendum debacle.
Next: Finnegans Wake. |
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The funeral of Michael Finnegan took place today in his home town of Ballygosixtfeetunder.
The Wake is still going on as the mourners insisted on singing this: There was an old man named Michael Finnegan He grew fat and then grew thin again Then he died and had to begin again Poor old Michael Finnegan Begin again. Which they are doing, over and over again. Next: Ten Green Bottles |