The Northern Line was Britains very own answer to the Seigfried and Maginot Lines. Fearing that Jerry might come via Blackpool in a typically fiendish underhand untrustworthy non-cricketing kind of**dirty trick of a way, the government decided to built a vast sprawling defensive structure of terrace houses, back to back, across the north of the country. These self-reliant defensive communities would then attempt to thwart the Germans by stringing their washing across the road from one side to the other. The hope was that the advancing army would get entangled in the long johns and bed sheets, and in their confusion either give up and go home, or be mown down by the Home Guard with their wooden rifles. Typically, money was short, the project never fully completed, but places such as Coronation Street remain as fragments of this grand defence plan.

The whole plan was nearly given away to the Germans though when someone in the War Office accidentally wrote a song Were Gonna Hang Out The Washing On The Northern Line and had it released by Parlophone Records. Hurriedly the lyrics were changed, and the Germans never caught wind of what a pasting awaited them on Operation Blackpoolenzkrieg should they have been so underhand as to try it.

Next: Two Up, Two Down.

The inventor of the crossword, Professor Helmut Vordemann, took a while to get things right. His first attempt at a word puzzle, published in The Worksop Watchman in 1908 consisted of vertical columns only. This caused confusion and boredom amongst readers as all the answers had to be palindromes.
For example the clue to 'Two up' : 'Cats with memory problems 6,7'
and the clue to 'Two down' 'Forgetful puss' 7,6' produced just the one solution.

When he hit on the idea of using horizontal blocks, Vordemann was on a winner.

Next: Wordsmith

Well done that man!

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Gryff Rhyss Jones 1998 book 'No Laughing Matter - how to remain on telly long after you've stopped being funny' has become a bible for former funnymen seeking to extend their tv careers. In it he claimed 'the key is to pretend to be really interested in something - it doesn't matter what...birds, buildings, travel - and just sort of footle around amiably for a while'.

Next: Twitchers

**that twice you've done that (the sound of the tearing up of Next: Twitchers) lol.

It was carp anyway colly - jack douglas, so along the same lines in a way, but 3 times as long and 1/3 as funny, i shall have to get brain into gear for goodies - or whatever follows it as I have to go out now. Keep up the good work!

The answer to the 2 up 2 down clue is senile felines btw.

The Goodies remains BBCs most expensive series ever made after the gigantic cost involved in creating a giant kitten and toppling the Post Office Tower( at the time the largest lego structure in the world). 'Kitten Kong'..real name Tiddles..was at the time the highest paid animal actor in the world but due to his genetic defects he became typecast and had to move to Japan to secure screen work. Tiddles became less cute in his later days and ended up being dispatched by Godzilla after trying to engulf Tokyo with furballs

next: Sumo wrestling

nope cant think of owt Rod.

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In medieval times castles were built primarily to protect those inside. Some of the apertures had unusually slitty entrances that broadend out on the inside and had a ledge. It has long been thought that these were designed to ennable archers to fire arrows through with little risk of them being hit themseves by missiles delivered from outside.

The truth of the matter has recently been discovered by historians, armed with ammonia and methane seeking devices. In fact,amazingly, these openings were made for courtiers to urinate and defecate out of without being seen from outside.

Next: Knights Of Old

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FC Thirtee Enschader have finally relegated their centre forward Dirk Rip Van Winkle to the bench after 100 appearances without a goal.

Coach Pieter Van Abrigetoofah commented 'I dont know what's wrong with him. Every time a cross comes in he seems to be sleeping in front of goal'

Next: Dutching for a living.

Around the Renaissance gamblers found themselves at a bit of a loose end, what with horse racing still being a few centuries off. The most gambled on activity at the time was painting. Bookies would lay odds on which great master was going to come up with the best painting each season. The famous bookie of the time, Barry Denhuessing would often put up a favourite to be beaten (Barrys Golden Hind) which was very popular. One year he put Da Vincis Mona saying Whats that moody cow ever done? Shes wayy too short!

A shrewd punter from Antwerp, Peter Stuyvesent, had caught a glimpse through an open window of Peter Bruegel the Elders entry for the painting competition, it was great. But he also knew that Peter Bruegel the Younger had an entry also: and if the son was anywhere like as good as the father, it might win instead. So Peter decided to back the two Dutchmen. Sure enough, Breugel the Elder won, the Younger coming second. Peter had backed both Dutchmen, and hence was born the term Dutching. Suyvesent used his winnings to buy New Amsterdam from the Indians (for 3 guilders and tuppence), his health was always poor though, until he took up smoking. Barry Denhuessing meanwhile was last seen trying to get his fat finger in a leaky dyke.

Next: Cistine Chapel.

Next: Royal Doulton

Royal Doulton was a fictional dashing aristocratic character who fought crime, eighteenth-century style, in the Potteries. Most of his cases involved people being murdered by being hit over the head with pots, acts of negligence (being killed by a badly placed pot on a high shelf) or by being fatally wounded from falling over onto suspiciously-positioned figurines and impaling themselves. It was a bit like Midsomer Murders, only 200 years ago and involving pottery. Nevertheless, the stories became very popular, written by a long-forgotten author of the time, Albert Minton. As their popularity grew, the public demanded more. And so it was that a new magazine of the stories called Doultons Weekly came out every month (then every week once theyd realised what theyd called it) that continues to this day, all though there are scarcely any stories involving pottery and crime in it these days.

Next: Glastonbury Tor.

A masterpiece boggle!

Glastonbury Tor is a new cheese from Tesco containing a 'certain special something'. Rumours about King Arthur's missing winky making up the ingredients are nothing but a myth.

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