Breaking news...Manchester City Council have decided that they can no longer tolerate the outlying town of Sale with its poncey rugby team so it has been decided that it will become the site of the UK's first nuclear test since Maralinga when it is nuked on Monday. All residents will be moved to Poland to avoid excessive casualties. London is expected to follow suit if Boris Johnson gers elected with Dagenham a likely target. (source Reuters)

next: The Manhattan Project

Since a young lady died in mysterious circumstances in his house, the innocent until proven guilty, Phil Spector believes he is being haunted by the ghost of the said female
Noted previously for his bizarre behaviour, Phil has now completely lost the plot. He's changed his surname to Spectre, wears a long black cape and has painted his face white. He also carries a smoke machine around with him, the product of which he refers to as his 'ectoplasm.'
On top of this he has applied his 'Wall of Sound' to long forgotten songs such as: 'Monster Mash' and ' Ghost Riders In The Sky'
None of which have made the billboard top 100 yet.

Next: Four Horseman

George Orwell is the originator of the Big Brother concept and the largest single shareholder of Endemol. His work in the creation of Davina McCall has been compared to the work of Josef Mengele although there are meant to be many failed McCall clones wandering around the streets of Paraguay.

next: Dolly The Sheep

The motto for the 2008 Nostalgia Party Conference in Blackpool this week is 'The Old Ones Are The Best'
To demonstate this idea the comedian for the post conference knees up is Frank Carson and music will be provided by The Rolling Stones with the Roly-Poly's doing the dance routines.

Next: End Of Pier Shows

"End Of Pier Shows" was once a headline when Ian Hislop spoofed a news report about a former Fleet Street editor in Private Eye. Hislop tried to avoid the inevitable court case from Morgan by shortening his name, but the litigious one went ahead anyway. The judge threw the case out, quoting the Human Rights Act - sub-section 84z, of permission to spell 'as' without the additional 's'.

Next: Red Tops

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That's OK Rod, I'm sure boggle will step in with one of his gems.

As predicted... :D :D

Richard Branson has moved his business empire up a notch by buying the franchise to the Royal Families of Great Britain, The Netherlands and Denmark.
This will require the Queen's Elizabeth, Beatrix and Magrette to only be seen in public wearing red and white clothing. Any tiaras must feature the Virgin logo.Their husbands are to grow beards, dress casually and wear the obigatory desert boots, while being on matey terms with everyone they meet.

A Royal spokesperson said, in a really laid back manner; 'Yeah it's OK, no problem'

Next: The Low Countries

Brian Poole, Daryll Hall and Cliff Richard are forming a new supergroup and are to tour next year under the name of Pool Hall Richard.

The Tremeloes, John Oates and the Shadows are furious at being omitted and have consulted their solicitors.

Next: and the dakotas

Captain Scarlett was originally meant to be a character in the game of Cluedo but his indestructability meant it was all too easy for him to finish off Mr Boddy by planting a huge bomb in the whole house. The lack of need for either lead piping or candlestick persuaded Waddingtons that any shrewd player could win the game in less than 20 seconds and the Captain was sacked only to quickly find a job in Cloudbase. As the Scarlett clan had an agreement that one of their kin must be a character his gold digging sister was quickly drafted in to fill the gap. The game was later enhanced though when Cpt Scarlett entered his new job and Spectrum released Colonel Mustard on mutual agreement after a hushed up sexual harassment claim by Destiny Angel.

next: Charley Says.....

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When the Tory Government come to power they are going to ban the consumption of alcohol in public.

Tory Health Spokesperson The Rt Hon Boris Bufoon-Smythe explained:
'We ah believe that the only thing this ah Liberal government have done well is banning ah cigarette smoking in public.
We Tories, for that is who we are, now want to take this one stage further, yes ah one stage further, by protecting the health and ah well being of of of of the nation by ridding our streets and country ah lanes of the scourge of violence caused by alcopopsicles and the ah like. Cheers'

The Head of the Licensed Victulars Association, Sir Toby Jugg was unavailable for comment

Next: Toby Jugs

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The Great Actor Robson Green, who, along with Caroline Quentin, James Nesbitt and William Tarmey have lit up our screens with such outstanding performances over the years, found weeping on screen impossible to do.
To ennable him to broaden the gamut of his acting emotions from A to B, he now carries a pair of pliers around with him. When needing to turn on the waterworks, he need only now remove some nasal hairs with them to achieve the desired effect.

Next: Pincer movements

Stalin was historys greatest airbrusher. He had his generals executed and air brushed out of photographs, and most amazingly factual of all he was, for a time, the host of the game show Celebrity Red Squares, narrowly beating the less camp Larry Grayson to the role. Having airbrushed this period out of his personal history, several episodes have been discovered at the Kremlin on betamax. They show Stalin using his regular collection of risqu¿catchphrases such as Everard, Im russian around like a blue ar se fly!, Look at the muck in ere, its like Stalingrad after the Germans have lost their Panzers and the personal favourite Ooh, did they get you by the Balkans, ducky?

Larry seethed at losing out to Stalin, and despite tiring of his camp persona being the tough truck driving man that he was, made his act even more camp and simply edited and air brushed Stalin out of his own catch phrases to make himself a comedy legend.

Next: I have the paper, peace in our time!

A certain forumite with occasional bowel problems often causes havoc in his household with the noises emanating from his rear end when in the khazi.

Some of the louder retorts have been known to make the windows accross the street implode. He has had to fit steel toilet bowls in his house as the porcelain ones (made in the city where he lives, despite him being from the US) tend to explode when he gives forth.
Each time he goes in the bog, people for miles around hold their breath until the all clear is given when the said person says:

'I have the paper, peace in our time'

Next: Andrex

Andrex was a minor god in Greek mythology who displeased Zeus by adding a wondrous extra layer to his toga and making the other Olympians look like they had been shopping in Matalan. He was cast out to live through eternity as a mortal and for his punishment the gods gave him irritable bowel syndrome and despatched a pack of three headed labrador puppies to forever steal his toilet paper while he roamed the Earth. In Roman times he was also known as Kandoo. and is depicted as a cheeky youth holding his nose (the Coliseum contained a huge temple in his honour that was frequently over subscribed). He now runs a kebab shop in North London.

next: The Northern Line