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In Elizabethan England lipstick was all the rage particularly the black variety which when complemented by bright yellow foundation was the ultimate fashion statement. It is also believed to be the cause of many historical events during that time. The Spanish Armada on approaching British shores fled in fear on seeing that the inhabitants were riddled with jaundice while notable English dandies of the period such as Walter Raleigh and Francis Drake were so taken by the look that they fled the country as far as possible on a regular basis.
An attempt to bring in an even more radical red lip gloss by Mary Quant, Queen of Scots resulted in her losing her head on grounds of crimes against Haute Couture. next: The Humble Potato |
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The Humble potato was the affectionate name by which the 15th century Italian monk Saint Alano De Spudo came to be known in his lifetime.
Wanting to do something practical for his unhealthy underfed peasant flock, other than just praying for them, he took to turning up on their doorsteps, spade in hand, ready to dig their gardens for them, and plant a few potatoes. His amiable good-natured persona soon won him many fans, and his fame increased. And he started to get more imaginative in the garden, planting flowery borders, laying paths and hazel screens. When the work became too much for him alone, he was joined by local nun Novice Charlotte Nippletti, and the elusive Thomas, a builder from Naples. It was at this point the starving peasantry started to mutter some misgivings among themselves that as nice as it all was, theyd prefer a few more vegetable plots and a lot less decking and water features. However, the Humble Potato is still remembered today for introducing gardening to Europe in a cosy easy going way. Next: Digging for victory. |
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Digging For Victory was the sequel to Escape to Victory in which Sylvester Stallone, Pele and Bobby Moore after breaking out of the football stadium take on the entire German elite Panzer Corps armed only with JCBs and forge an unlikely win. It is believed to be the only time that Michael Caine turned down a role on the belief that it could harm his career
next: The Italian Job |
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The Italian Job is a character in the bible who got near to exceeding the protective edge of his hedge, before bricking it and running back inside, telling God he was on his side all along anyway and just pretending to be friends with Satan.
Next: Thy neighbour's ass |
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My neighbour has put a sign on her front door which reads:
This door will not be answered unless the following apply * It is an immediate member of my family ** It is a person with whom I do business and they are calling for payment *** It is that lowlife sparkmaster come to collect the as s he left here 3 years ago and is eating me out of house and home Next: Travelling Salesmen. |
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Very good Colly!
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Travelling Salesmen can easily be spotted as they have a shirt hanging on a coat hanger from their back seat window. What is less known is that the colour/design of the shirt is used as a kind of semaphore language to others of their kind. The traditional blue shirt signifies success in a sale, while a red one means the opposite. If you return home early from work and see a car with a striped shirt parked suspiciously by your front door its time to take the sawn off shotgun out of your garage.
next: The right to bear arms |
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The town of Chavington, on the Essex coast, has this year relaxed its tough dress code for summer visitors. In previous years, wanting to keep up standards of taste and decency, council officials declared war on the lard arse in shorts, football shirts and white socks and sandals, that plagued its seafront promenade. These people, the council said, were scaring off the seagulls and detracting from the seaside feel of the place and banned them from the town.
After a disastrous few years in which the seafront was virtually empty, the council has relented somewhat, allowing that visitors have the right to bear (sic) arms, but must keep every other bit of flesh covered up. Next: Holidays in the sun. |
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Reuters. 1 April, 2008. It was announced today that Stephen Hawking has proved that Icarus's ill-fated voyage millennia earlier was not, as has been thought previously, due to the heat of the sun's rays, but rather as a result of some cheap glue purchased at his local B&Q. A spokesman for B&Q said: "We endeavour to provide quality products across all our range, and our glue is no exception. If Mr. Icarus has cause for complaint, he need only contact our Customer Services department, who will be happy to deal with his enquiry". When informed of Icarus's death, the spokesman turned slightly pale, and issued a "No comment" to all further questions.
Shares in Thomas Cook surged late in the day, on the back of rumours that holidays to the sun would be offfred 'before the end of the year'. Mr Hawking's ventriloquist was unavailable for comment. Next: Keith Harris and Orville |
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This is a public appeal
For years Orville and his stooge Keith Harris have milked the public with their 'I wish I could fly right up to the sky' routine but last week it was revealed that dreams do come true. Due to unprecedented public relations the aforesaid bird and partner will be journeying to NASA headquarters to be sent by Space Shuttle to a defunct Soviet space station (whether they like it or not) where they will provide company for resident station keeper Barry Bethell of Slimfast fame. There is still time for Chuckles the Monkey to join them if enough funds can be raised. Only $5 million dollars is required so dig deep and send what you can to me (my telephone staff are waiting for your call - lines may be busy but do call) - you too can make someones dreams happen next: Sigue Sigue Sputnik |
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'Music' News
Yes the band nobody wanted to make a comeback are planning one Yes despite questions in parliament and attempts by anyone with the semblance of a musical ear to prevent it, Sigue Sigue Sputnik go on the road with a new version of their Hit (sic) album 'Atari Baby' Renamed for 2008 as '160gig A Million Megabytes My Love' its just as laughably awful as the origional. The first (and last) date of their world tour kicks off at The Hill Top Pub, Glossop next Wednesday dinner time. Tony James is 53. Next: And the Giant Peach |
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We choose to go to the Moon and the Giant Peach, not because it is easy, but because it is hard, said president John Kennedy in 1961. The puzzled look on NASA directors faces at Kennedys speech sparked a period of head scratching. Could NASA afford to go to the Giant Peach as well as the Moon, how would they work out the logistics, and where and what was the Giant Peach anyway?
Over at the Kremlin, the Soviets listened with interest and announced that they just so happened to be planning a mission to the Moon, and the Giant Peach, and the Galactic Banana as well. The Space Race was on. But only after ditching plans to go to the Giant Peach when it was realised that JFKs LSD intake had been rather high recently. The Soviets, as ever distrusting, suspecting a double-bluff and not wanting to be outdone by the decadent capitalist dogs, continued to prepare for trips to the Moon, Giant Peach and Galactic Banana, the cost of which ultimately resulted in them not going anywhere. Next: Space 1999 |
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such is the downslide in the current property market that a senior Abbey National analyst has predicted that Space (the whole Universe) will be available to buy for 19.99 by the end of the millennia. It is also predicted that sideburns and flared trousers will still be in fashion at that time.
(I couldnt possibly deride the programme that provides my ringtone too much!) next; Rings around Uranus |
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The first Argentian footballer ever to play in this country was Emilio Uranus. A left back he was signed by Rotherham United from Buenos Aries Boys Racing Club in 1956 for 14 17s 6d.
His debut at Stoke was not a happy one as he was tormented by their right winger. The headline in the Stoke Sentinel summed it up: 'Matthews Runs Rings Around Uranus' Next: Old Money |
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One old pound bet on the 1932 Derby winner, April The Fifth, would have won you 16.13.4d. It was returned at 100/6...
Next: Becher's Brook |
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a r s e
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The fearsome Bechers Brook, where Tony McCoy was famously heard to call profanities when Clan Royal got carried out, is not the terror of a fence it used to be. In the 19th century when the race was more of a test, the take off side was 4 foot high but the drop was 30 feet...added to this the brook at the bottom was populated by a family of bloodthirsty trolls. The trolls eventually became unhappy with their lot and their demands for once wekly racing and less looting of the brook from the local populus were unheeded. The last troll left in 1932 to join the others who had set up a community in what is now known as Birkenhead.
next:Shell suits |
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feel free to have another Bechers feckarse moment Mr McCoy
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feel free to have another Bechers feckarse moment Mr McCoy
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After coming to grief at Becher's Brook yet again, one irate punter has vowed to stand by the fence next year with a mortar firing device aimed at McCoy should the same thing happen again. McCoy says he will wear a protective 'shell suit' on the day, just in case.
Next: The Canal Turn |
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The Canal Turn was the fence where jockey Daryl Jacob fell off Philson Run in the 2008 renewal of the Grand National.
Backed into 30 from 46 on Betfair a few minutes before the off and carrying the hopes and money of many people, including; Rod Tidwell, Collywobble and Tommy Toes, the horse jumped the fence perfectly well but the curse of 'Bok-Britches' was upon the poor nag. Little did he know that B-B had entered TT's house that morning to cast his bad luck vibes. Therefore, young Daryl suffered an invisible mid-air kick up the arris, forcing a very undignified double-shuffle in the saddle and an ungainly exit stage right. Philson Run had no idea why he suddenly felt 10 stone 8 lighter and dashed to the nearest hamburger stand to regain some balast. He's still noshing at the stall over 6 hours later. Next: Neighbours from hell |
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A Dewsbury council estate has been rocked by a second child scandal in 2 months. This time social services took into care 9 year old Joe McClaine, and police arrested the boys step- uncle, one Sam Loover, believed to be American. Also arrested at the scene was Joes father, Professor McClaine. The authorities were alerted after neighbours complained of loud whirring noises, frequent shooting and strange 60s music coming from the house.
It seems father and step-uncle were brainwashing young Joe, and sending him off to interfere in the running of countries deemed to be enemies of the UK. Horrified reporters learned how Joe (codenamed Joe 90) would sometimes steal the latest foreign military aircraft, military plans, and get involved in shootouts with enemy agents. Social services moved in after deciding that the 9-year-old was missing too much school time. Police also took from the scene a computer the size of three garden sheds with the logo The Big Rat printed on it on which they believe are stored many illegal brain patterns of foreign agents. Leaving the scene, Joes father shouted at the press and cameras: We aint not dun nuffink! before being herded into a police van. Next: Should have gone to specsavers. |
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sorry folks brain fog this morning and packing for a weeks chit chat free homage to Alfred Wainwright (or maybe its Julia Bradbury....if you are reading Julia hope to see you on Scafell :) ) be back in a week RT |
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Have a good time Rod. With all that fresh air, you'll be no doubt reaching new 'Amazing' heights on your return!
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Have a great holiday, Rod.
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I should have gone to specsavers today, but guess who I bumped into?
Absolutely everyone. Next: I'll get me coat |
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In a tent, in 1912, in the Antarctic, eleven miles from a food dump, four men were slowly dying. One of them Captain Oates, in an effort to lighten the mood told an old joke. It went down like a lead balloon.
Whereupon he said 'I'll get me coat' and stumbled outside to a cold and lonely end. Scott duly noted the incident in his diary and the phrase has been passed down over the decades. Next: Scott's Porridge Oats. |
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Suburban couple, Terry and June, were happily reunited this week, according to the News of the World.
Terry Scott, incarcerated for embezzlement and fraud when he worked as an executive under the name Medford for Sir Dennis Hodges Fire Extinguisher company, and for groping secretary, Miss Fennel, he was sentenced to 5 years in Dartmoor Prison without parole. June was upset, especially as Terrys sexual appetite was the talk of Purley and she knew hed suffer on the inside. Following her successful plea to the Home Secretary for Terry to be allowed regular conjugal visits, the News of the World broke the story with the headline Scotts Porridge Oats (the randy bugger!). Next: Carry On Camping. |
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In the late summer of 1977, Larry Grayson was getting tired of the persona he had invented. In order to get on the tele, he had fashioned a character that was so out of synch with his real life.
He was in fact an ex lorry driver from Rochdale by the name of Dave Griggs, or 'Big Nasty Dave' as the locals knew him from the countless rucks he had started in 'The Dog and Cashew Nut' when bevvied up. He was divorced from Thelma and they had 12 kids. So he went to the producers of 'The Generation Game' and demanded he be allowed to present it as he liked: 'No more ''Shut That Door'' for me' he said; 'How about, ''Shut yer cake'ole instead?' The producers deliberated for a while but told him to 'Carry on Camping' or he was sacked. In view of his large gambling debts and his need to pay alimony to the tweny or so illegitamate kids he had all over South Lancs, he carried on camping. |
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Next: Cuddly Toys
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Cuddly toys have been known to seriously fur up your pussy.
Next: Pussies |
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Pussies, or to give them their informal name, cats, have long been thought to have been sacred in Ancient Egypt. Unfortunately this is a case of 'lost in translation' as what they really were is scared.
They were scared because the Egyptians ahd invented a type of primitive anti-freeze. Next: Brake Fluid |
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Actress Patricia Brake first hit upon the idea of collecting all her bodily fluids while working on Porridge. Seldom seen on the screen these days (occasionally dossing on Coronation Street), Brake doesnt need to work as 10 ml bottles of her 'liquid excretia' are sold for up to $10,000 in Beverly Hills where stars believe it to be the 'elixir of life'. 168 year old Sharon Osbourne, Posh Spice and Tom Cruise are her major clients and Brake herself is regarded as the Coco Chanel of Sunset Boulevard
next: Going Straight |