The apocalypse: Along with the fat girl you need to climb off of, the end of the working day and SDKs funny joke, the Apocalypse falls into that rare category of "Things that can't come soon enough".

Next: Bluetooth headsets.

When Rommel was directing his battles, he always stated that it was difficult to both watch the action, and point out to his generals where he wanted them to attack or retreat. At first he employed a Hitler Youth boy to hold his binoculars up to his eyes, but he often clouted him while waving his arms sight of the battlefield.

This very fact was swinging the battle for North Africa in Montys direction.

At this time, Rommel's technical backroom staff, known as the Hinterzimmer-Jungen, came up with the idea of binoculars on a stand on wheels. Rommels aides could swing these into place, and he could safely wave his arms about while watching the melee.

As time wore on, a small box was attached to the stand allowing handy access to a few papers. As warfare got more complex the box got bigger and had a lid attached to keep the sand out during dust storms. Finally, when Rommel returned to Germany the box was painted green from its original sand colour in preperation for D-Day. Unfortunately, Rommel committed sucide, but when the allies finally overran Germany, they found the wheelie bins as they called them, and some bright spark (later a council official) brought it back to England, removed the binoculars and used it to keep his rubbish in. So it was that the wheelie bins eventually became the wheelie bin we know and loathe today.


Next: The plot to blow up Hitler.

An attempt by English allotment holders to kill Hitler in the early years of the war failed when he consistently failed to reply to invitations from the Worksop Horticultural Society to visit the prize winning pumpkins on their special plot...soothsayers are believed to have convinced him that it may have been a cunning ruse. Unfortunately the society failed to disarm their home made booby trap devices properly afterwards resulting in the relegation of its members to the lower divisions of the vegetable showing fraternity for many years after.
The idea didnt go missed though by Hitlers disloyal staff resulting in numerous attempts on his life at German village fetes with incendiary apfelstrudels. This resulted in the making of said dessert being punishable by death in Bavaria during 1944

next; Moustaches

Sorry
Next: The Harvest Festival

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Moustaches have been banned from this year's Brighton Harvest Festival as in 2007 too many old dears were outraged by the 'nudge nudge, wink wink' behaviour of Freddie Mercury look-alikes mis-singing 'We Plough The Fields And Scatter The Good Seed On The Gland'.

Next: Eric Idle

Far, far too kind Colly.

The original Oxford Circus was built in Oxford and was Britain's answer to Rome's Circus Maximus. Conceived by warlord Sebastius of Coe, it was the prime venue where the country's upper classes could watch their serfs being fed to the wild beasts of England. It didnt do as well as the Roman equivalent however with many chroniclers forced to write that the games were too frequently ' interrupted by rounds of tea drinking and the weasels and stoats seemed lethargic when released in peasants pantaloons'. The circus format was sold to Baron William of Smart in 795 AD who continued the tradition for many years adding such popular favourites as plate spinning and canine gymnastics on his touring version. The building itself fell into disrepair and became the country's first Wetherspoons tavern in Norman times.

next: Timothy Taylor's Landlord

Timothy Taylor was the only man that Fred West had eyes for and yet he escaped with his life from Cromwell St.

Fred became besotted with Timothy when he moved into the cellar of 'that house' and began brewing his famous beer. Fred loved this ale so much that he, despite his better judgement, allowed Tim to leave on the proviso that he gave Rose a kiss and donate a keg of his beer.

A narrow escape for Taylor.

Next: Gloucester Old Spots

After an inclement spell in the 19th century, when Gloucester lost its most eminent physician in a shower of rain, the climate took a turn for the better in this part of the UK. The Cotswolds in fact became one of the brightest parts of the country, and therefore one of the most popular. At the same time it was noticed that many of those living in the area also seemed to age more rapidly than in other parts of the country.

The mystery was finally solved in the early 1990s, when it was discovered that the ozone layer directly over the Cotswolds was thinner than in any other part of the world. Premature ageing due to UV exposure was resulting in the local population going wrinkly at 25, and, unhappily, starting to resemble Judith Chalmers by the age of 31. The first sign of the process is the development of liver spots around the age of 12 - a condition that has become known locally as getting the Gloucester old spots. Death is assured before 37.

Next: The Grim Reaper Calls.

In Shakespearian England, Malice and Aforethought were the qunitessential double act and more popular than the Bard's work himself when they appeared as the main bill at the Globe Theatre.
Aforethought who sported a stags head would frequently plan wonderfully intricate ways to spoil Malice's fun by dropping anvils and harpsichords on his head from a great height and then dropping his doublet and hose much to the crowds appreciation. Malice (the Ernie Wise of his day) grew increasingly bitter however and famously during one of his partners mooning sessions decided it was time to rewrite the script with the aid of a red hot poker. Aforethought was forced to retire from the act though it is unsure whether this was what Malice intended. Their act is the framework for other modern day plagiarists such as Tom & Jerry and Dick & Dom ( the poker trick would do wonders for latter pairing in particular)

next: Romeo and Juliet

Ladcrooks*****

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couple of undeliberate mistakes there collywobble, you fool.

Maureen Lipmann, mother of actor Tom Cruise was delighted when he phoned home to say that hed graduated from Idiot University Iowa with an ology. Little did she realise that his qualification was even more embarrassing than the geography degree shed vaguely imagined hed been studying for. Also she wasnt prepared for the shock revelation that he now believed his real mother was Old Mother Ron L. Hubbard, who had more bones in her cupboard than she knew what to do with.

She also had trouble with the idea that human beings were brought here from another planet a trillion years ago in a craft resembling a DC8 airliner. However, Toms new mum Ron assured her this was the case, and that Tom was a very tall, very gifted actor and not at all self absorbed, naff and twattish.

Next: Give the dog a bone.

The mare Clavicle was sent to stud where she mated with little known stallion Donate to Rover.

Charles B Buttplug III bought the offspring at the Doncaster Sales for 900gns and sent it to be trained by David Chapman, with the provisional name 'Give The Dog A Bone'

Wary of innuendo in these PC times The Jockey club refused the name, so Charles B named it 'Paddywack' instead.

Next: Chaplin's Club

Chaplin's Club was one of the varieties offered by Jacobs in their famous chocolate biscuit selection. Unfortunately, they were soon removed from supermarket shelves when customers complained of stewed boot soles sticking to their teeth.

Next: The Gold Rush

The movement to get chocoholism recognised as a disease took a sever blow in 2007 when it was discovered that there was no such thing as chocohol. Sufferers were offered the alternative diagnosis of being fat.

Next: Kim Wilde' arse.

Kim Wilde' arse, first came into prominence after a pie eating contest in 1991. Before eventually making its debut appearance on stage, via some poorly stitched trousers, during a dance routine at Kims farewell performance for Comic Relief. Where, after having spent the previous evening consuming a bath full of Heinz Baked Beanz, and despite having very little musical training. Kim Wilde' arse, managed to reduce the first three rows of the audience to tears with a spontaneous rendition of The Last Post, fittingly consigning Kims once illustrious career to the grave.

Next. Strawberry flavoured underpants.

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