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and thanks colly for solving the dragon problem
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Too late colly, sorry!
Next: Ho Fook. |
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I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
walkin through the streets of Soho in the rain. He was lookin for the place called Lee Ho Fooks, gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein. Aaahoo, werewolves of London Aaahoo, werewolves of London... Next: Very large teeth |
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very large teeth are, in fact ,a fallacy propagated by people (and some intelligent beats) to detract from their real problem of having really small faces. The teeth themselves are in fact normal size but the stigma of having a really small face ,can lead to depression and in extreme cases suicide, so to solve this psychiatrists make the patients (small headed people) believe they just have very large teeth, a much more socially acceptable deformity.
next : in the shrinks chair |
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Small buttocks are a common side effect of sitting in the shrinks chair.
Next: Sigmund Freud. |
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Sigmund Freud:
Freud gave many now famous terms (Id, Ego etc) to the world of psychoanalysis. But the one that will be forever associated with him has to be the Oedipus Complex - a vast, sprawling shopping complex constructed on the outskirts of Birmingham. Built in 1951, rebuilt again in 1952, only the right way round, this was Freuds first and last venture into the world of grand design. Next: The Bull Ring. |
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The Bull Ring was one of the very first sex toys. Sadly, it was doomed to failure because of its size and the number of female noses that it fell onto as a result of its outsize nature. The successor, The Piglet Ring, became a huge seller in the UK, particularly in Wales and other colder isolated regions.
Next: The best sex toy ever! |
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I was walking down the high street in Dudley, West Midlands, when I heard a newsvender shouting: 'The best sex toy ever! The best sex toy ever! Read all about it.'
Intrigued I crossed the street and purchsed a copy of 'The Wolverhampton and Dudley**erel,' which he was selling. The headline read ' Local cricketer smashes 60 in 3 overs' Next: Kevin Pieterson |
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[Very good, Colly!]
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lol
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Kevin Pietersen, the loud-mouthed badger-haired "England" cricketsman from the colonies, should not be confused with Kevin Pieterson, of Harrogate, who in 1996, after 12 years of painstaking effort, completed a one-sixth scale model of Big Ben made entirely out of breadsticks. Upon visiting his local Italian restaurant, Ciao Pasta, for a celebratory meal, Pieterson was dismayed to find a "bread and cover" charge of 13,612 added to his bill.
Next: pasta shapes. |
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"Pasta shapes" was Rocky Balboa's oft made request to Adrienne at the dinner table, so keen was he for his**of french fries with every meal.
Next: Mogadon Man |
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Mogadon Man was discovered by palaeontologists on the coast of Turkey in the 1980s and at the time was believed to be the missing link between ** Sapiens and Neandarthals. The cave dwelling skeleton was found severely decayed in a foetal position and was at the time thought to be 1000s of years old. However carbon dating soon found out it wasnt as old as thought and was actually the remnant of an Airtours 'lads' holiday in Bodrum that had gone sadly wrong after some heavy binge drinking
next: Dustin the Turkey |
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ttt
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Reuters.....
Drama and violence ensued at last night's Eurovision contest. After taking umbrage at the Irish entering a turkey to represent them, the Turkish entrant, a fire eating, knife throwing act kown as Mustapha Dangerouspastime, caught the poor bird and slit it's throat, with one of his sciimitars, in front of the horrified audience. He was led away by The Police, who were making a comeback representing Switzerland, but released without charge after the turkey scored a bloodless victory. So Ireland win agan Next: Dana |
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Dana's Eurovision-winning song 'All Kinds of Everything' was originally penned as a highly-charged anthem detailing the Irish temptress's insatiable sexual appetite and the various things she would attempt in her quest to satisfy it. The Irish Eurovision Committee loved the tune, but lyrics such as '**** **** ***, you ******* **** - there's nothing my ******* **** can't ***** ****' were deemed inappropriate for the pre-watershed audience of 1970. Revised lyrics (composed by a then-unknown 6-year-old, Johnny Logan) meant the entry could be resumbitted and won the race to be the Irish entry, beating '***** my ***** *****' by The Dubliners into second place.
Next: Eminem |
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After watching numerous re-runs of the Muppets video 'Menomana', Marshall Bruce Mathers III decided to take his stage name from their classic song. Unfortunately his spelling was as good as his songs.
Next: Dire Dyslexia |
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Dire Dyslexia! was one review headline for Hitchcock wannabe Len Hamburgers film of 1962 - Dial G for Dyslexia. It told the story of a beautiful tennis players wifes attempts to improve her spelling, but when she phones a psycho instead of the dyslexia helpline by mistake, she unwittingly invites trouble into her peaceful world. Instead of helping with her letters, shes on the receiving end of the sharp end of the letter opener. And it looks like this spells The Edn for our heroine.
Next: the writing's on the wall |
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Graffiti was invented in France, well it would be really wouldn't it, the peasants? Young hoodie layabouts in the Stone Age daubed crude depictions of various mammals on the walls of the caves of Lascaux, along with vulgar slogans such as "LA MERE DE JEAN-CLAUDE A UN VISAGE COMME DERRIERE DU BISON".
Next: French teachers. |
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Brilliant boggle...again!
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Because of the high cost of the local Scottish spring water Teacher's have had to move their whisky production to Fointanbleu in France, where the water there is 1 euro per million gallons cheaper. Local drunk Angus McLegless was outraged, 'Och the weer cowerrin timorous basstaads, if I git mae hands on em, och awaay wi ye'
Next: Streotypes |
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or even Stereotypes
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in argos there are many stereo types but i like the ones with CD players the best
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could your spider sense tingle to a next please?
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Spider, a 'Next' please.
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I doubt we'll get one somehow Tommy/Rod.
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Launch of the World Wide Web was actually delayed by three years due to NATO concerns that a 'real life' Spiderman would have access to everyone's computers.
Next: The Silver Surfer |
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'The Silver Surfer' is the bane of internet chat rooms. Typically a greying 80 year old they prey mercilessly on young men by masquerading as nubile Eastern European women. Visit any rest home around the country and you'll find one...gone are the days of sitting in high seat chairs around the edge of a large room while watching Take The High Road and Cilla Black...instead they can be found cackling around pcs. Silver Surfers have even been known to hide out on chit chat...perhaps you unknowingly speak to one every day...beware!
The Surfer has even wandered into US comic culture and recently a representation of the character appeared in the new Fantastic Four movie with Clive Dunn in the title role next: Stick it to the man! |
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he he hee Rod
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In 2008 Quentin Tarantino agreed with the BBC over a few beers and gins that it was time to resurrect the hit comedy of the 70s, Dads Army.
Tarantino insisted on casting and, as Clive Dunn was busy filming the Silver Surfer at the time, Samuel L. Jackson was cast in the role of Corporal Jones. Jackson brought a new angle to Joness reminisces about army life in the Sudan. According to this new Jones, when those muthafuka fuzzy wuzzis were confronted by Jones and his bayoneted rifle, hed tell them that the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Jones said this was just some cold- hearted shit hed say before he popped a bayonet in their ass, because those muthfukas dont like it when you stick it to the man. This became a weekly catchphrase, as did Micheal Madsons Private Godfrey, who routinely tied Mr Hodges to a chair saying My sister Dolly is a big fan of K Billys super sounds of the 30s right before torturing him. Next: Stupid Boy |
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Arnold Ridley, who played Private Godfrey in Dad's Army was also a writer who penned the screenplay for a minor British Film of the 1930's called the 'The Ghost Train.'
One of his lesser known works was a violent gangster type movie set in Leytonstone called The Canal and the Canine, starring Wilfrid Hyde-White, Richard Green, the dog Old Yellow; and also marked the debut of a little known actor called Claude Purple. It was banned in most British cinema's due to lines such as 'You'll never get me you blinkin ruddy copper' and the fact that four people were killed in it. Some years later, Quentin Tarantino stumbled across this old script and turned it into the smash hit Resevoir Dogs. Interestingly, Claude Purple was the father of Ian Lavendar, who played 'Stupid Boy' Pike in the peerless WW11 sitcom, and who, not liking the surname Purple, chose one that alluded to it. Next: Dixon of Dock Green Next: |
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Appearing on tv as Dixon of Dock Green was a money-spinning sideline for the best known organist of the twentieth century. However, Reg was sacked by the BBC when word got out about his drunken rampage in the famous seaside ballroom one night and his truncheon was the first thing the shocked lady hoofers saw rising from the depths of the stage.
Next: The Blackpool Tower |
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When Blackpool Tower opened in 1894, it was the tallest structure in Britain at 518ft 9inches. In 2004, the most recent year when figures were available, it stood at 512ft 6inches. Many worthy scientists have attributed this to a combination of global warming and subsidence. Stayaway weekend trippers attribute it to the mountain of fish & chip wrappers and vomit slicks.
Next: Dublin (Dublin roughly translates as "Blackpool" apparently) |
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Dublin is of course the home of one sweet Molly Malone, contestant on BBC 2s Dragons Den. After a tough ride in the Den, all the Dragons could see the benefit of selling**les and muscles, especially live ones. Duncan Ballantyne however was not impressed with her figures, and wanted to know why she needed so much money to upgrade from a wheelbarrow to a white van. Molly pointed out that some of it would go towards website design. At the last minute she spoiled it all by over valuing her business by a third of a million euros.
Another coast based businesswomen also failed to win over the Dragons, Ballantyne asking: Lets get this straight, you want 50,000 for a 10% share in a business selling seashells by the seashore? Id want at least 40% for that! Next: white van man |
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