Very good, Colly!

In a bizarre twist to Saturday night entertainment, Doctor Who and the National Lottery Draw are to be amalgamated into one primetime show. Among the good causes targeted by the TimeLord, the previously discriminated-against Daleks will be given a grant to build ramps in areas where staircases hinder them from taking over a world. A spokesman for the Daleks said: This will be a valuable contribution to our efforts at forming a stable and total administration of the wider universe. No longer will we have to put up with people simply running upstairs and getting away, now we will be able to deal with them in a sensible and effective manner. Although the Daleks themselves are thought to have put it more simply.

Next: Scrapheap Challenge.

The older cast members of Dads Army were always just a little bit envious of the youthful Ian Lavender, who was regularly followed on location filming by a crowd of adoring young women. These girls became known as the Pikeys and regularly stole momentoes Godfreys medic bag, the odd camera, Jones' van, from the filming location sites. This is how the term came into English usage to define a person who travels round stealing things, and who is generally untrustworthy. The suave John Le Mesurier also had a gang of female fans following him, although sensibly these girls formed a band with some of Leslie Philips fans named after the actor and Le Mesuriers Dads Army character. Although Sgt. Wilson-Philips have recently split up, their records remain popular.

Next: Eve Of Destruction.

Popular in clubs in the late 1990's 'Destruction' music (and I use the word music very loosley) consists of an excrutiating drum and base house mix 'complemented' by a lout posing as a 'DJ' shouting obscene 'lyrics' over the top of it. All in all not a pleasant experience unless you were completely wired up on ecstacy or the like.

Disturbed by this trend, folk-singer Eve Porter attempted to tone it down by introducing a mandolin solo and changing every 'mathafacka' reference to 'Hey nonnie no.' She also encouraging the dancers to 'Strip The Willow' instead of throwing themselves around like the drug crazed lunatics that they were.

Needles to Say, Eve failed in her quest and is now planning to 'Folksify' chamber music.

Next: Steel Eyes

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Oh my boggle, I've run out of superlatives. You are the man!!!

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Im not taking my holidays there again, pah! said the Marquis De Sade in a recent interview. The keen French perv was commenting on his fortnight in Margate. Thinking himself the ultimate sex-tourist, he admitted that hed completely misunderstood the concept of Mr Whippy, and was thoroughly disappointed that Zee leetle man in ze van served up pleasure, but with no pain at all. Left standing dejectedly on the pavement with a 99 and flake in his hand as the van disappeared down the road to the sound of a jingly, distorted Greensleeves, he began to cry. A kindly old lady helped the Marquis across the road, asking if the poor little love had lost his mummy. De Sade replied that Margate was Zee hole of zee sheet and that he wished hed bought a choc ice instead.

Next: Mods and Rockers.

The very first clash between Mods and Rockers took place in Brighton in 1974. Alvin Stardust was performing a concert in the town on a weekend which happened to coincide with the annual Ministry of Defence Staff outing. Dispensing of their bowler hats, the Whitehall brigade went on a drunken binge around The Lanes before running into a platoon of Stardust fans captained by the man himself close to the pier. Hopelessly outnumbered, Stardust was captured by the civil servants who only released him once they had stolen his coo ca choo. The warring over this fabulous prize has continued ever since and the exact whereabouts of Stardust's coo ca choo are not to be released to the public domain for 50 years (it is believed that Alvin's wife Liza Goddard used her Philippa Vale character in an audacious plot to steal it back from a Westminster bunker but was shot in the process).
It is rumoured that Steven Spielberg has bought rights to the story and plans to use it as the next quest in his next Raiders of The Lost Ark sequel with Indiana Jones sporting a quiff instead of his normal hat. Stardust has never been the same man since..a failure compounded by losing out to become the UK entry for Eurovision in the 1980s


next: The Official Secrets Act

The 'Official Secrets' were the opening act at the now legendary free Hyde Park Festival in 1970.
So called because of the prophetic and dangerous nature of their songs, which included 'Philby is A Spy' 'Profumo's Pillow Talk' and ' Nixon's** they were silenced by a huge pay off from 'The Establishment' in 1971.
Group members later joined other bands of the day such as ' The Crazy World of George Brown' and 'Ted Heath's Orchestra.'

Next: You're Gonna Burn!

The late great documentary filmmaker Alan Whicker is sadly missed. He met his untimely end visiting a remote Scottish island to film, in his words, A load of local weirdos doing nutty things cos they are nutters, init?. It was this comment, more than anything, that enraged them enough to come up with the idea of sacrificing him by imprisoning him in a big grass mannequin and setting fire to it on the beech. The incident was covered up by ITV, and Whicker replaced by a double. Later a film called the Wicker Man was made about the incident with details changed and the h taken out so no one would guess the truth. Although the original documentary was burned in the incident, a fragment survived the fire of the great man describing the islanders: a cornucopia of kilted cretins, a joke-fest of jug-eared jocks . Perhaps its understandable why they took umbrage.

Next: Hawaii 5-0.

Wireless Doorbells was the original title for Mike Oldfield's seminal album Tubular Bells. The alternative album title, Knockers, was also left off the album sleeve.

Next: Richard 'Chutney Ferret' Branston.

The Minimum Wage was set at a level just low enough to discourage certain elements of the indigenous population from seeking gainful employment thus ensuring the availability of jobs for our European neighbours.

Next: Poles apart.

Pictures of Dawn French polishing off 37 packets of Jammy Dodgers were barred from publication in the Sun by High Court Judge, Justice Jacob Krame-Krakers, as not being in the public interest. Peek Frean's are to appeal.

Next: Viennese Whirls

Tokyo slang for the urethral-meatus.

Next:** pile.

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Betfairs latest downgrade fiasco has been swiftly followed by an apology:

From Betfair Customer Services:


We would like to apologise most sincerely for the problems with the site. This resulted from an attempt to spice up the exchange games, in particular HiLo, which is based on the TV game show, Play Your Cards Right. We designed an animated talking Brucie to appear suddenly from the side of the screen to utter such phrases as Lower than a TWO you sayyy, ooooooh, you were wrong to go lower, werent you, my love?. However the animation for the chin and the wig required so much processing power that we were unable to run the rest of the site in a stable manner. Brucie has therefore been removed and the site is back to its normal stable condition.

Next: 5 Card Charlie.

On her birthday last year, Charlie Dimmock, the erstwhile TV gardening presenter, famed for her water features and unfeasibly large and unfettered chest area, only got sent 5 birthday cards.

In an effort to increase her popularity she has joined the Betfair Chit-Chat forum under a pseudonym that refers to her ample frontage. Now she has more admirers than she can shake a stick at. Unfortunately they exclusively consist of sad and lonely 'bachelors' that she would no doubt vomit on if she met them in real life.

Next: Controversial Posts.