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Bruce Forsyth is a product of the cold war, the US Dept of Defense (sic) attempted to distill a pure form of weapons-grade light entertainment. They struggled for years, recruiting defectors from Russian scientific institutions until one wintry November day, they did it. A potion so powerful, so indiscriminate and pervasive, the entire Soviet nation from coast to coast could have been mildly amused with just a couple of drops in the water supply.
The UK couldn't allow the US to control such a powerful resource so sent Agent 004 to retrieve it. Unbeknownst to the powers that be, 004 was working for just one man. 004 himself, BRUCE FORSYTH! He drank the lot, and the rest, as they say, is history. Next: History. |
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There are many different views as to when history began. Many believe it to be in the 34th century BC at the advent of cuneiform writing in Sumeria while on the other hand many Americans believe it to have started in the late 1800s/early 1900s with the discovery of coca cola, the opening of the first McDonalds and the first sighting of Mickey Mouse, the enormity of which is rumoured to be the foundation of Martin Scorsese's next epic work (Robert de Niro has already been cast as Donald Duck)
next: Oscar acceptance speeches |
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If you are called Mr or Mrs Acceptance-Speeches, it is best to avoid naming your children Oscar, Emmy or Bafta. A nice normal name like Roderick or Constance should ensure that they are not picked on at school.
Next: Eton. |
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Raspberry Eton Mess
Servings: 6-8 Level of difficulty: Easy Preparation Time: 10 minutes Cooking Time: 5 minutes Ingredients: 6 large cans of premium strength lager (Special Brew works very well) 450g Greek yogurt 300ml double cream, lightly whipped 8 small meringue nests, broken into bite-sized pieces 225g fresh raspberries 225g Strawberries 100g dark chocolate, broken into squares 800g rock salt 1 Big Mac Medium fries Large strawberry shake Method 1. Drink the lager at any chosen speed (fast works very well) consuming the Big Mac and fries while still warm. 2. In a large bowl, fold the yogurt, cream and meringue together. 3. Gently fold in the raspberries and strawberries. 4. Melt the dark chocolate in a bowl over a pan of simmering water. 5. Spoon the Eton mess into large serving glasses and top with the melted chocolate. 6. Put to one side. 7. Drink the strawberry shake 8. Throw away the salt (some maybe used at stage 1. if artery hardening needs further encouragement). 9. Engage in pugging if calory loss is considered necessary. Next: My favourite recipe |
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'My Favourite Recipe' was an abortive attempt by Channel 4 to fill their daytime slot with a half hour long show where teams of B list celebs sat around a lounge discussing how best to make a particular dish. It was dropped after a fight developed when Oliver Reed insisted that an omelette was best constructed by adding copious amounts of alcohol to the dish much to the chagrin of fellow lobbyists Mary Whitehouse and Delia Smith. It all ended in a bizarre food and fist wrestling extravaganza with Nigella Lawson and Keith Floyd leaping spiritedly to Reed's defence (Nigella's vodka and creme de menthe frittata is still regarded as her signature dish) and despite ardent pleas from viewers it failed to be moved to the 9pm watershed
The show was replaced by Watercolour Challenge next: Hannah Gordon |
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When Hannah Gordon was born, her parents could not agree on whether she was a girl or a boy. After an acrimonious two-month debate, they finally decided to give her one girl's name and one boy's name, just to be on the safe side.
Next: hermaphrodites. |
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Had the choice of band name gone to drummer Pat Lesley, No Milk Today and A Kind of Hush would have been 2 the best selling singles of sixties pop sensations Herman's Hermaphrodites.
Next: Gold Top |
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Authentic Gold Top milk is the very best kind available and much sought after by top chefs. It was invented by the Earl of Essex in the 16th century and used to by him to woo Queen Elizabeth who considered it the finest accompliment to her early version of Coco Pops (provided by Sir Walter Raleigh). A product of his own herd of Jersey cows it was hand milked by local virgins. Alas, Essex fell victim to his own invention when his supply of virgins ran out (a problem in the region even then) and he was forced to use toothless old hags to perform the act instead. Unfortunately the Queens sensitive taste buds were easily able to detect the difference in taste due to the stress suffered by the cows, and the Earl was executed. Raleigh suffered a similar fate when he attempted to use sub standard cocoa powder which failed to turn the milk brown
next: Romford Dogs |
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'Romford Dogs' was the headline in the Sun the day after Lord Romford of Essexingdon was found guilty of indecent exposure in 2002.
Lord Romford was appalled at the headline as he was in fact Seagulling and not dogging. next: Brighton Pier |
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It is a little know and amazing fact that Brighton Pier was the setting for one of the most gripping and puzzling but true episodes of the cold war. On December 3 1978 at approx 3.00 am an agent of Mi6 approached the third bench from the end (opposite the candy floss stand) to retrieve an envelope that a contact in the KGB was due to have left containing the Soviet Nuclear Launch Codes.
Suprisingly the envelope marked Top Secret Eyes Only in English was found to contain a photograph of a naked woman in a relaxing pose under the headline "Drink Coke". The mystery woman in the photo has never been identified or found despite frantic searches by the security forces of all western powers. Next: Candy Floss |
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One of the main reasons you should never sleep with a sugar plum fairy: getting candy floss caught in your teeth.
Next: Winnie-the-Pooh. |
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Winnie the Pooh was the affectionate pet name given to Winston Churchill by Stalin at the Yalta conference....Stalin was known to be a world authority on AA Milne and was believed to have an Eeyore cuddly toy on his desk at all times
next: Rasputin |
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Winnie the Pooh was the affectionate pet name given to Winston Churchill by Stalin at the Yalta conference....Stalin was known to be a world authority on AA Milne and was believed to have an Eeyore cuddly toy on his desk at all times
next: Rasputin |
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Many Russians believe that Rasputin, full name - Ra Ra Rasputin, had healing power through his 'stary eyes'.
He did indeed have healing powers but they were not because of his eyes. He was blessed with a healing beard. next: David Bellamy |
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David Bellamy is NOT the father of angry footballer Craig Bellamy.
next Michael Parkinson |
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Like that other famous professional Yorkshireman, "Sir" Geoffrey Boycott, who spends much of his time in the Caribbean, Michael Parkinson loves his home county so much that he has lived for the majority of his life on the banks of the Thames, where his sprawling house is regularly flooded. He lives next door to Rolf Harris who, coincidentally, is the same nationality as Parky's erstwhile best friend, Emu.
Next: Emus |
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Emus is an adaptation of the stage play Equus. The central character is a psychiatrist who comes face to face with his own demons after finding his wife burning ants to death with a magnifiying glass on one bright June day.
Next: Psychoanalysis |
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Psychoanalysis is a family of psychological theories and methods based on the work of Sigmund Freud. What this boiled down to was Freud insisted that most pschological complaints were based on sexual neurosi. The most common form being that the patient would have sexual urges towards his mother.
Sigmund's mother Madame Fi Fi Freud took advantage of this by hanging around Sigmund's offices whenever she could and charging two schillings for a 'quickie'. Next: Lost |
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The number that used to be between 11486127 and 11486129 has been irretrievably lost to moth infestation
Next: Moth myths |
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Another myth is that all moths eat clothing:
In fact, only a few species do, and they require clothes that are preferably dirty and hidden away in dark, sheltered places where they are not disturbed. Silk webbing is usually associated with moth damage. Many of the holes in clothes are not attributable to moths. Clothes-moths don't like being 'spring-cleaned'! Next: John McCririck |
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It is a little known and amazing fact that John McCririck while better know as a horse racing pundit, makes all his own clothes at night on a 1950s Singer sowing machine.
He also know for taking unexpected leave from his punditry to travel to Canada where he is more famous as a Birling Champion. Birling is a contest that involves two combatants spinning a floating log with thier feet in an attempt to knock the other off. Most recently McCririck defeated Flat Tac Mc Jac in a thilling contest that lasted for over six hours. Next: Big wiskers |
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"Big Whiskers" was the nickname bestowed upon Samuel - a tabby from Manchester who is acknowledged as the world's largest cat. Although "Big Whiskers" weighed only a quarter of a stone at birth, he had ballooned to a gigantic eight stone by the time of his death. His owner, Agnes Waring, attirbuted his growth to the daily diet listed below:
4 Grilled Goldfish 2 Tuna Steaks 6 ounces Goose Fat 1/4 Tub of lard Next: Monkey Tennis |
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Monkey tennis has nothing to do with the 14 consecutive Wimbledon Mens' Singles titles won by Pete Sampras between the years of 1990 and 2001.
Monkey tennis is the same as fork tennis except that monkeys are used as balls rather than forks. Next: Billy Jean |
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For many it was the first sign that something wasnt quite right with Michael Jackson when he penned his hit Billie Jean...it wasnt just his delusion that Billie Jean King was not his lover (Wacko Jacko was convinced he was being stalked by the tennis star) but his assertion that 'She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene' that really sent alarm bells ringing
next: Forever Blowing Bubbles |
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Despite what anyone thinks Carlos Tevez of West Ham is not the result of a Michael Jackson's experiments with Animal sex.
He just looks like he is. Next: Werthers Originals |
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Werthers Originals are what your Grandad used to suck on when you were a kid. Hopefully.
Next: False teeth |
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False teeth are outrageously overpriced by dentists when a set from any rock shop in Blackpool are equally as good.
Next: Sweet sensations |
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'Sweet sensations' was a term given to young glam rock fans in the 70s when they began to take too much notice of Brian Connolly's songs. They didnt even need to play them backwards to take meaning into the lyrics and thousands of youngsters with long black hair became agoraphobes for fear of having to 'watch out' whenever they walked down the high street
next: Blockbuster |
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Blockbuster was the name given to several of the largest conventional bombs used in World War II by the Royal Air Force (RAF). The term Blockbuster was originally a name coined by the press and referred to a bomb which had enough explosive power to destroy a city block.
Next: Little Lord Fauntleroy |
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Little Lord Fauntleroy is one of those English names which is not pronounced quite as one might expect (The correct pronunciation is "bugg'rmefondly").
Another name that is not pronounced as it is spelt is 'Althorpe' - which should be correctly pronouned "Imadan gerouspsy choticlun aticand verylitig eoustoboot" Next: The Princess Diana Memorial Fun Tin. |
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The Princess Diana Memorial Fun Tin is the most popular product sold in the gift shop at Kensington Palace. Inside the commemorative biscuit tin, the lucky tourist can avail themselves of their own private letter from the Burrell collection, a Harrods shopping voucher, a signed postcard from James Hewitt , an Alpen cereal bar and a tea towel all for the giveaway price of 49.99
next: Sloane Rangers |
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Sloane Rangers 2 Clogthorpe Agrochemicals 3. Clogthorpe Agrochemicals go on to meet the**Trotsky Memorial XI in the final.
Next: The Russian Revolution |
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The Russian Revolution is the most difficult and dangerous move in Ballroom dancing and can only be performed by dancers who have gigantism and double jointed knees. For anyone else, attempting it is usually fatal.
Next: Sheila's Wheels |
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Sheila's Wheels an insurance company for women drivers largely derives its name somewhat tongue-in-cheek from the Antipodean skin condition Sheilas wheals, a common rash found largely in the Outback area, largely due to poor dunny hygiene
next: Pommy bashing |