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Just like their human equivalent, the animal olympics originated in Ancient Greece until a dispute arose over whether centaurs were eligible for the event thus resulting in the Pelopponesian Wars. **ing used to abound with the god Zeus frequently known to change peoples forms into animals to get the desired result and eventually the whole animal olympic movement had to move underground with top performers eventually moving to Rome instead and sacrificing their amateur status
next: The Oedipus Complex |
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The Oedipus Complex was a term first coined by Freud. This theory came to him one day as he starred in a dog food advert whilst thinking of the latest nude he was painting.
Next: Henry |
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From being one of the most popular christian names in Middle Ages, Henry has slipped down to 74th in the list of popularity largely because parents do not wish their children to be named after a vacuum cleaner...however it is still marginally more popular than another medieval winner, Tarquin.
next: Minstrels |
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The Minstrels were a large mixed race family popular throughout the 60s and 70s for singing songs about n iggers and the likes. In the late 70s, PC started to go mad, and their TV show was dropped after a spell during which only the white family members were allowed to perform before the 9pm watershed.
Next: Deep Heat |
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The principal ingredients of Deep Heat are sunlight, firelighters, and the red stuff they use to make match heads. If you are careless enough to get Deep Heat on your scrotum, the pain can be relieved by smearing the affected area with Eukanuba and letting a Dalmatian lick it off.
Next: Dalmatians. |
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Of the one hundred and one Dalmations remaining in Greater Manchester, only two are known to have natural spots. The rest are believed to have had their spots Tatooed on them by the famous Tatoo artist known simply as "Edinburgh".
Anyone who knows Tatoos and their value, knows that an Edinburgh Tatoo is worth seeing. Next: Dundee Cake (related to Edinburgh in a funny kind of way) |
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that's excellent opus.
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Dundee Cake
16oz butter 16oz caster sugar 33 eggs 8oz plain flour 8oz salt 1/2 tsp baking powder 2oz blanched split almonds (for top) 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon 8oz grated nutmeg 6 lemons 22oz chopped mixed peel 4oz sultanas 4oz currants 4oz raisins A little milk (if necessary) Some monkey nuts (if liked) Serves 4-6 Cream fat and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, beating well. Sieve dry ingredients. Add gradually with mixed fruit, adding milk if necessary (mixture must be stiff). Place almonds on top of cake in well greased (8 in) cake tin. Bake: 325F 2-21/4 hours Next: Tarts |
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It was decided at a recent Church of England synod that every vicar should be supplied with his own tart due to a fall in numbers of them appearing together at parties since their heyday in the Terry and June years
next: Jumble sales |
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Of the coast of Guinea Bissau lies the wreck of an old slaving vessel called the "Mortimar Jones". The "Mortimar Jones" sailed out of Liverpool and was often seen plying her trade between the Gulf of Guinea and the east coast of the American colonies.
It was a wild and wicked storm that tore down the mainsail and snapped off the rudder of the Mortimar Jones one summers evening. She limped into the port of Rio Blanco. All hands were saved that night and a special ration of rum was awarded. New sails had to be aquired as davy jones locker had appropriated the mainsail, folks'l and main rudder bearings belonging to the "Mortimar Jones". Sail cloth was not an item found easily in the port of Rio Blanco. Its inhabitants barely had enough to cover their private parts. Living less than 5 degrees north of the equater deemed it not so necessary to wear so much clothing. The nearby jungle supplied the residents of Rio Blanco most of their needs. The little known Casawampa tree, native to the jungle in the hinterland of Rio Blanco supplied our sailors with the wherewithall to**a new mainsail. By stripping the bark of the Casawampa tree and soaking it for a week, the properties of the resultant mish-mash were not too dissimilar to that of canvas, and when sewed together with the vine threads produced a not too unworkable copy of a sail. The natives called this sail their "Jungle sail". This over time has been corrupted into Jumble Sale. The "Mortimar Jones" lost all hands ten nautical miles out from Rio Branco. Next - Slave |
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The coruption of the phase Jungle Sail into Jumble Sale.
It is believed that the late explorer Jarvis B. Pumpernickle, on one of his many adventures into the hinterland east of the Terra Vertus Neuvos ( The region where the small African port of Rio Blanco is situated), noted that every Wednesday, the local natives would come and form a second hand clothing market arround a particulary old Baobab tree. He noted that the clothing was mostly old and looked as if it had washed in from the ocean deep. On asking one old trader the nature of his business, the trader stated that he was here for the Jungle Sale. A slight mistake in language interpretation and dialect led to a misunderstanding which even to to-day still exists in country church halls and local junior schools. |
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'Slave' was one of the less successful stars of ITV's Gladiators series. Picked on by others like Wolf and Hunter, Slave was the only eunuch on the show and didnt do his chances of appearing regularly by giving way to the contestants demands of 'leave me alone' and 'get your hands off me'. He was replaced in season 2 by 'Gerbil'.
next: Six packs |
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The term six pack , meaning rippling washboard abs ( I think ,as I havent got one) came from The Roman Gladiator Sixius Packius. He had the physique of a God and the Roman women came from miles around to see him fight. He was finally defeated when someone pulled his ring. He became a deflated man and never fought again
NEXT - Hadrians Wall |
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It is one of the greatest myths ever known that Hadrian's wall can be seen from Fat Larry's bar in Rose Street, Edinburgh after two of Fat Larry's specials.
Next: Happy hour |
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Happy hour can be divided into sixty Happy minutes, which in turn can be divided into sixty Happy seconds. There are three thousand six hundred happy seconds in a Happy hour.
If one computes the time it takes to down one happy beer, and divide three thosand six hudred by this time, then theoretically one could come up with the total amount of happy beers one could consume in a Happy Hour. ie 1 Happy Beer in say ten Happy seconds 3600/10= 360 Happy beers in one Happy Hour= Binge Drinking at its best. |
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Next: Horatio Nelson
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Many people felt very sorry for Horatio's midget brother Mini Nelson who was a horribly twisted individual with both of his arms permanently**up behind his back. He was truly well less than half the man of his famous brother Horatio, but to make him feel a little bit better about himself some people took to calling him Half Nelson - a name that lives on today as the name of a wrestling hold.
Next: The Boston Crab |
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The Boston Crab is the stuff of Lincolnshire legend. Locals of the market town still recall the day a huge crab wandered into the sleepy market town terrorising local children with its huge pincers and fearsome noise. Said to be over 50 ft long, naturalists were puzzled for years by this demon of the fens until further evidence made them realise that it was in fact attributable to the arrival in the town of a JCB, the like of which townsfolk had never seen before in the 1970s
next: The Wash |
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While I was getting ready for work this morning, my lovely boyfriend Jimbo was busy folding the laundry. "You know" he said with ultimate contentment. "It's such a nice feeling to see a set of your running attire for every day since I last did laundry." I knew what he was talking about right away. I've been running well, and running often. And it all comes out in the wash.
Your laundry reveals a lot about you. The window to the dryer can be like a window to the soul. It suggests the seasons, and it showcases your tastes, private as well as public. It reveals how you like to spend your leisure time, and it tells no lies about your running. If you're not running, there is less to wash, less to dry, and less to fold. Give me an extra load any day. When running has a focus and a goal, it seems to also achieve the type of consistency that makes the early wake-up call easier to answer. More often than not, when running is going well, the alarm is turned off before I have to face the music. That's how ready I am to add another pair of shorts and a singlet to the pile of dirty clothes. There is no snooze button for the runner with a mission. Folding a pile of our running clothes always puts me in my own world. As I watch Jimbo fold his tops, I can't help but think of how good he always looks in them. While I fold my special racing top, I always recall and relive the race I ran in it the past weekend. And when the pile is small, it means that the week was not as fulfilling as it could have been. We both take joy in the fact that running clothes in the laundry is a part of our lifestyle and something that we have very much in common. Once in a while, the dryer seems to have a ravenous appetite. If there are more of my bottoms than tops, I try to recall exactly which day I ran topless. You would think I would remember something like that. If I end up not finding a match for one of my socks, I wonder if I actually hopped instead of running one day. The dryer monster strikes again. The laundry isn't much different than the running, if you think about it. With both, you will get out of it exactly what you put in. If you put running clothes in the wash, then it's running clothes you will soon be folding. And if it's good running you put in, than good races will be the result. You can't expect anything else, because it all comes out in the wash. Next: Topless running |
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Topless running was banned from International Athletics in the 1970s due to complaints from the viewing public regarding the East German womens team.
next: Smashing your personal best |
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Smashing Your Personell Best was a 'how to do' book published by Naomi Campbell in 2006. It was handy to hit people with.
Next: Supermodels |
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Supermodels was a short-lived chain of shops launched by the owners of Superdrug in the 1970s. As the name suggests, they specialised in Airfix and Hornby products.
Next: Hornby. |
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Hornby model trains are extremely collectable but while they can fetch comparatively huge sums they pale into significance compared to the holy grail for Hornby collectors - The R106 Signal Box, famously seen on a Yellow Pages adverts where a small boy phoned many stockists in an attempt to purchase one for his dads set...the salesman proved to be a hoaxer causing considerable distress to the family involved and the existence of the item has yet to be conclusively confirmed
next: Fly fishing |
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Fishing for flies should really be called "flying" but that name was already trademarked by the Wright brothers, Wilbur and Orville. Orville got the idea for heavier-than-air powered flight from his namesake green nappy-wearing bird, who often professed his desire to fly "right up to the sky".
Next: Bovril. |
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cant really compete with wikipedia on this subject:
The first part of the product's name comes from Latin bos (gen. bovis) meaning "ox" or "bull/cow". The vril part comes from Bulwer-Lytton's once-popular 1870 "lost race" novel, Vril:The Power of the Coming Race, in which a subterranean humanoid race have mental control over, and devastating powers from, an energy fluid named "Vril."[1] Singer A-vril Lavigne's name probably comes from the same origin next: Bullocks |
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The Bullocks are your typical east end family who go round in their pearly suits and eat pie 'n mash once a week as a family treat.
Next: Pearly kings 'n Queens. |
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The Pearly Kings and Queens are a secretive organisation in truth. Although frequently seen as happy go lucky sorts happily spreading their**ney charm they are in fact devout followers of the 'Pearly Emperor'...also known as Dick Van Dyke... and are trained by him personally in diction and pronunciation...gor' bless em all!
They are not to be confused with the infamous Purley Kings and Queens who have terrorised South London high streets for many years next: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang |
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The "ladies of the night" of London's East End operate on a prepayment system, whereby the punter must first obtain a proof of purchase, or chitty, before removing his trousers. One famous harlot of the late 19th century , Rebecca Moyste, operated a special "two for the price of one" system on Fridays, which she advertised with the slogan CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG - 2d (children 1d).
Next: threepenny bits. |
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It is not easy to get to grips with threepenny bits unless you see them in 3d...
next: large breasts |
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as any devotee of *****Craddock will know, it is best to plump for a bird with large breasts if one is intent on serving it with stuffing
next: Double entendres |
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Double Entendres:
Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use ***** other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now." Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night." 'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off." Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69." The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions." Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god! What have I just said?" Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew." Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" Next: The Meaning of Life |
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fnaar fnaar kyaak kyaak
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Throughout history many great thinkers and sages have tried to answer the question as to what is the meaning of life but it is now widely accepted that it is one of two distinct possibilities. Whilst most ascribe to the theory that 42 is the answer to the conundrum there is another strong body of thought that 'Life is the name of the game...and I want to play the game with you' and the answer is heavily connected with cuddly toys
next: Bruce Forsyth |
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Is The Bill on tonight?
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