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In general, by the way. There are no tripehounds on this thread.
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Her husband was banned and used to post under her name but she was quite distinctive. If she hasn't been clubbed to death I'm sure she reads this forum.
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Hard to compete with Cobblaz' wikipedia style entry but....
Rorke's Drift refers to the one of the very first massive in running price changes which occurred when on course bookmakers decided to bet on the Zulu War skirmishes In a bizarre case of not applying proper statistics, oddsmaker Piers van Rorke decided that the British infantry despite their poor numbers would overwhelm the Zulu masses because of superior firepower and went 4/6 on his early show. He was besieged by local gamblers who plunged on the Zulus down to 1.01 and he couldnt lay the Brits at any price up to 200/1 resulting in one of the hugest drifts in oddsmaking history so large that the battle was ultimately named after it. Rorke was shot for his efforts (an early form of being given his P45) and locals are still delighting in their wins after building Sun City on the proceeds Next: P45s |
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As alluded to by Rod, the P45 was the type of bullet placed in the gun (usually a colt 45) used for shooting to kill employees whose work level had dropped below 45% of the required level of performance. In 1945, Winston Churchill, Conservative Party, outlawed this practice, and invented a less lethal paper form to replace the bullet, although the terms 'fired' and 'getting the bullet'
are still often used to this day. At the time of writing, plans are underway to replace the paper P45 with a web page with the same name. Next: Paperclip |
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It is a little known fact that all of the doors in the Bank of England can be opened with a paperclip. This was done specifically to cut down on the monthly Timsons bill.
Next: The French Foreign Legion |
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The French Foreign Legion was the former name assigned to the French version of Britain's CIA. Following complaints from anti racist groups, it is now known simply as Legion. In 1945, President De Gaull set up the FFL to investigate Legionnaires' disease which was rife at the time. The disease was discovered to be caused by pigeon droppings in the water supplies of schools and hotels, and was eventually eradicated in 1985. Nowadays The Legion is a pub where former members gather to drinking alcohol.
Next: Mills and Boon |
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Mills and Boon. Well known for their lovely romances and happy endings. To celebrate 100 years of success next year the comany will be bought out by a conglomrate of betfair forumites so we can all publish bulls**t of how sucessful we all are.
Next Sir Donald Bradman. |
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In 1945, thousands of proud men returned home from the war to their wives and girlfriends after having served their country against Hitler's [1] men. Not all men were considered suitable for fighting (some came from the aristocracy, some had bad feet, and some were cowards), and they were required instead to serve the women who the fighters left behind. One such man was Donald Bradman. Bradman had been allocated the whole of Coventry by the British War Board (BWR), and on one night alone was said to have**ged 45 Coventarian women and girls who hadn't been serviced for a while, and feared they may never be shafted again.
In 1985, Bradman was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II for his services to the country. [1] A very bad man. Next: Venetian blinds. |
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Venetian Blinds are a new bet in Texas Hold em poker suggested by the Television companies to make the whole Texas Hold em experience a bit more exciting to the general public. Each player may play the 'Venetian Blinds' only once during a game having done so all of the cards in their hand and in the flop become wild cards except for the 3 of diamonds which becomes Mrs Bun the baker. Clearly this makes any old dog of a hand unbeatable. The catch is that the 'Venetian Blinds' must be staked whilst sitting in a gondola which must also have been secreted to the table without any other player noticing - if they do the whole hand is declared null and void, and the player who is caught must then play the next three hands standing on his (or her) head.
Next: Insomnia |
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Insomnia was one of the 40 + countries that made up what used to be Yugoslavia before the First World War. Along with its near neighbours such as Ruritania and Zenda, it disappeared from the map after the shooting of Archduke Ferdinand. There are moves for all of these countries to be reinstated however and it is expected that if this occurs EU membership will swell to 100 countries by 2020 and the Eurovision Song Contest will take a week to finish
next: The Gnomes of Zurich |
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In 1945, the people of**ney in England developed their own secret language so that folks from other areas wouldn't know what they were talking about in secret. At first the**nies used a rhyming code, or slang. For example, if one was to say that one was going up the apples and pairs, a fellow**ney would know that he was going up on some chairs.
All went well until 1985, when an outsider cracked the code and understood what the hell they were talking about. The**nies had to make the code a little different, and add a further step. Pears were dropped, and instead apples was said to be the code word for chairs. When the locals announced "I'm going up the apples", outsiders couldn't think what they meant since it's well known that no word rhymes with apples. A gnome of Zurich is**ney code for a tommy tanker, a swiss banker, or a w@nker. Next: Remote control |
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Doctors have revealed that the red light on a remote control if held less than one inch away from your eye can burn out your retina, its estimated that it would take a week - so you would have to be pretty determined.
Dixons, never slow to miss a trick are offering 9ft poles with the ends shaped like a finger at a 10% discount for anyone concerned about the health hazzards who returns their remote. Next: Dell computers |
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Dell computers are best known for the experiment they carried out in 2006.
They recruited 57 school leavers from Newcastle who were especially chosen for their lack of qualifications and being Indian. All calls to their service department were handled by these new recruits who were given no training other than the following script: "Please be waiting whilst I am finding out the solution to your problem, thank you." They were asked to repeat this every 45 seconds until the caller eventually hung up. On average, they found that callers were prepared to hang on the line for 17 minutes and 45 seconds before replacing the receiver and calling back in the hope that their call would be taken by someone competent. The longest call lasted 85 minutes and 3 seconds from a Mr C Wurley from Darlington. Next: Donny Tourette |
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A Donny Tourette is a member of the Doncaster Rovers Cheerleaders Group. Travelling all around the country supporting their beloved football team they are most famous for their jingle begining 'give me an F, give me a U' and are famed for their pint drinking ability throughout the lower divisions.
next: Arthur Scargill |
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Arthur Scargill invented the process for producing coal by compressing 45 carat diamonds with a force of 1 tonne / square centimetre for 45 days.
In 1985, Scargill married former Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, with whom he has four children. Together they run a grocery shop in Farnham. Next: Big Brother |
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Big Brother. Many people have fell into the trap of thinking Big Brother was founded by George Orwell. This has been proven not to be the case. In 1908 The Endomol tribe from Lower Biafra were expanding their empire. They came across a little known gang of white settlers called cine bots. Cine bots sat on their backsides all day long making undiscovered reels of film containing lewd behaviour*. These films include titles such as Big Brother took my dolly. Big Brother beat me up and Big Brother swears like Auntie Jade.
* These films are rumoured to have been discovered by Bob Geldof in 1984. Next Norman Stanley Fletcher. |
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Norman, Stanley, Fletcher are a firm of solicitors based in Llandudno, Wales. Their major claim to fame is that they were instrumental in the 1974 'Cymraeg hydref dafad rheilffordd dwr newydd ystryd pont ynys bwyd cwm mynydd coed llyn nant ty gwlad afon hapus cor tad Saesneg pedwar melyn noswaith croeso cennin cwningen cartref fferm taran hafod tren eryr cariad rygbi gwlad dydd celyn coch pedwar Cymraeg' campaign.
In english this translates as 'Keep Wales Welsh' Next: Arnold Schwarzenegger |
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ttt
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Arnold Schwarzenegger Was famous for leading the Earths invasion to Mars in the year 2081. Mr Schwarzenegger Was posthumously awarded the purple heart after he single handedly fought off a martian counter attack so that his comrades could escape the planet after yet another U.S led invasion went pear shaped.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (purple heart) was great grandson to the greatest U.S President ever Arnold Schwarzenegger. Next: Robert Maxwell. |
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Hes not really dead. He is living it up in a desert island with Diana, Dodi, Scrappy do and Lord Lucan
Next: Mushy Peas |
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Mushy Peas was the name of the favourite in the 1974 Greyhound Derby, unfortunately it was beaten in a photo by the outsider Malteser Lad. It is rumoured that a well known forumite did his whole bank on that particular event.
Next: Maltesers |
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The rate of absence due to sickness in the developing brewing industry of the medieval period was alarmingly high. Chief amongst the complaints was a particularly prevalent and painful attack of the chalfonts, which tended to be brought on and sustained by long periods of sly sitting on the cold whetstone whenever the head honcho wasnt around. Local apothecaries were engaged to proffer possible solutions, including the tried and trusted medicinal leeches, to no avail. Finally, with a flash of inspiration, an apprentice maltster and part-time know-all applied a generous dollop of malt paste to his workmates arris and, hey presto, within 2 weeks his ringpiece was as good as new.
The concoction was bottled in demi-johns and hawked around the country under the catchy name: Jethros Malt Easers. Next: Brewers Fayre Next |
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The Brewers Fayre restaurant chain offers only one vegetarian selection on its menu of 45 meals. However, to make it seem like more, Nut Roast is offered from Monday to Saturday, and Sunday Nut Roast on a Sunday. This gives the appearance that there are 100% more vegetarian options than there really are.
Next: Portal |
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In the film "Being John Malkovich", a doorway behind a filing cabinet concealed a portal into the mind of the actor John Malkovich.
In a strange case of life almost, but not quite, imitating art, in 2004 a secret portal was discovered in Malkovich's left ear, which led to his right ear, thus rendering his new iPod stereo headphones useless. Next: iPods. |
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The first ipod was designed by Apple in 1974 it consisted of a 1972 Sprite Musketeer caravan inside of which was housed the K-Tel house band 'Hit Machine' who would play on demand any hit song as and when required in almost perfect mimicry. Apple grew quite exasperated as their phenomenon never caught on as they thought it would until the mid 90's when they finally developed a 'Shrink Ray'
Next: Waitrose sausage rolls |
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Waitrose Sausage rolls have increased in price by nigh on 34p a packet over the last 10 days. This is due in the main to a container load of sausagemeat and herbs falling off the back of a ferry somewhere near Cornwall where I believe you can still pick up a nice pasty for around 75p a throw.
Next: Beachcombing thieves. |
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Beachcombing thieves are the latest gang of criminals to hit our shores. We've all seen the news where they dress with their heads covered and pushing BMW motorcycles up the beach." But how do they scuttle the ships ?" I hear you ask.
Well according to one recently arrested beachcomber thief seagulls are captured and have plastic explosives tied to their backs then the Beachcomber Thieves use bazookas* to fire bread pellets at the ship enticing the gulls to go to the ship. Thus making contact causing it to scuttl *These Bazookas were picked up by beachcomber thieves from a beach in Dunkirk in 1940. Next: Herald of Free Enterprise. |
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back in medieval times when the local sheriff had his claws into everything the odd shopkeeper would attempt to go it alone and keep his hard earned wages for himself. The sheriff however had spys out on the streets watching for such entrepreneurs and would report to his boss . This dispicable snitch was known as The Herald Of Free Enterprise.
Next - Robin Hood |
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Robin Hood was one of the earliest known "hoodies". Even in the 13th century, his choice of garments and gang of delinquent companions meant that he was marginalised from society; indeed, he was banned from Nottingham's goat market by the Norman sheriff, Alain Riquemanne, whose views are recorded in a contemporary manuscript: "He doth robbe from ye riche and giveth to ye poore. Frankly it'f a diabolicalle lybertye if you afk me."
Next: Kenny Everett. |
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(great thread this)
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In the first ever "Where Would They Be Now?", a TV programme that calculates, with the use of a computer, how a celebrity's career would have developed had they not died, Everett was shown to be 'resting'; a term used to describe a celebrity who can no longer gain employment in the entertainment industry. The programme showed that he was turned down for Celebrity Big Brother in 2004 for the reason that he had been off the TV screen for too long and nobody would know him. He would have been offered a place on the substitutes list though, and if 45 housemates had walked, he would have entered the house.
Next: Conspiracy theory |
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As with all scientists of the day Sir Issac Newton wanted a theory named after him. However he wasnt as bright a spark as we have been led to believe. So he decided to try and prove that some of the other greats of his time were fakers and making their theories up . 'Its all a conspiracy to make them look good ' he said . However whilst thinking about how he could bring the others down to earth an apple fell on his head. This got him thinking and instead of inventing the Conspiracy Theory he discovered the forces of gravity
Next - Granny Smiths |
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Grannysmiths were an early form of Trinny and Susanna existing in medieval times. Grannies were required to be quaint mumsy characters who small children would feel happy to run thrrough the forest to deliver fruit to. If a granny did not meet this criteria and was instead grumpy and argumentative they would be taken to the village grannysmith for a period of psychological evaluation which would either result in them being rehabiltated or burnt at the stake
next: Ducking Stools |
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Ducking Stools is the term adopted by standup Comedians for having a gig in Glasgow, where their careers can be made or broken. If they do well, their careers can rocket and their earnings spiral. If they do badly, the Glasgow audience is known to throw small chairs, and in the worst cases, human excrement.
Next: Long Division |
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The Long Division is a regiment of the Royal Marines reserved solely for men over 6'6" tall. In 1974 the division was posted to the Congo to quell a pygmy uprising and secure international supplies of Um Bongo fruit drink.
Next: guavas. |
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Ducking stools were an early form of medievil hairdressing equipment. When mothers could not persuade their sons to come home to have their hair washed a search party was sent after them and once caught the boy was then attached to a ducking stool to have the hair washing done.
Next: Dandruff. |
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Originating in Australia in 1868 in a real-life "Granny" Smith's orchard, this apple has rapidly become one of the most popular in the world. Very tart, crisp bright green apple that is one of the best varieties for cooking.
This strain of apple however was develpoped accidently, Granny Smith. for over 50 years had chronic type 2 diabetes, renal disease, and had her bladder removed after pancreatic cancer. This meant that over a period of a half a century, she had to empty her colosoty in the orchard (no toilets in the outback). Over 50 years, this meant over 20,000 litres of industrial strength acidic urine had contaminated the orchard grounds, killing all but the most acidic resitant trees. Those few remaining trees produced highly acidic fruit giving the Granny Smith apple its distinctive Tart flavour and are now grown throughout the world. |
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Over half of the worlds guava crop are used in the production of Timotei Dandruff shampoo, the other chief ingredients of which are water, active liposomes, pentapeptides, boswellox and aardvark urine
next: Hairdressers |
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Hairdressers eat lots of little green apples and never ever suffer from dandruff.
Next: suffering |