time this went up :)

The Great Escape is a boys-own tale of derring-do in the Stalag Luft III prisoner-of-war camp in 1940s Poland, in which German guards with the collective IQ of worn boot leather are duped by an ad hoc group of carol singers in the heat of the summer sun.
To while away the endless days and reduce the tedium of their incarceration, many of the captives and, in particular, the quaint British airmen, tended small plots of soil and grew vegetables, the patriotic King Edward amongst others. Their own little Dig For Victory effort, if you will.
Not to be outdone by this stiff-upper-lip display of defiance, the resourceful Yankees in the camp hit upon a plan to celebrate the Independence Day of the US. This would not only rub the noses of their British allies into the red Polish soil but, at the same time, further flummox nasty Fritz who was still laughing at the idiocy of the Tommies caterwauling The Twelve Days of Christmas in July. And, of course, such a display would go down well with the American audience when the film of the book was eventually made 20 years later. A masterpiece of forward planning
Anyway, to celebrate properly, the Yankees set about buying up all the King Edwards in the camp, bartering with their Camel cigarettes, their Babe Ruth baseball cards and their flying jackets. Then they put in an order with chemicals manufacturer and supplier IG Farben for an assortment of distilling apparatus: Liebig condensers, rubber tubing, flasks (both round bottom and Erlenmeyer), thermometers and huge, whicker-basketed demijohns. IG Farben, being pre-occupied with helping to manufacture the Zyklon B capsules for Auschwitz, duly came up trumps, and the apparatus was smuggled in by the particularly dense Fritz who had been blackmailed after being caught in a compromising position with one of the camp guard dogs.
The Yankees then set to work. Night after night, spud after endless spud was mashed into a gelatinous pulp and the pulp was then slowly and painstakingly heated and the liberated liquid distilled. It took bloody ages, because 10lbs of King Edwards would yield a mere 2 fluid ounces of alcohol. So, to speed things along, Fritz was prevailed upon, after one particularly disgusting act with Rex the camp Alsatian, to smuggle in a case of Smirnoff, which had been hitherto a captive of Von Lugers cellar and which had originally been purloined during his own retreat from Moscow in 1941. To make this vodka palatable, it was mixed with the potato pulp and redistilled.
Of course, this hive of activity required a cover story and much subterfuge. Mac, head of security, was always able to find out what was going on in the camp. If a gnat so much as farted on the other side of the compound, hed get to know about it. But the ingenious Yankees were too clever for the simpleton British airmen. By the simple trick of using a foreign language, coupled with an impenetrable South Bronx guttural accent they could, so they reasoned, bamboozle not only their British allies but the moronic Germans, too. Thus, borrowing from the French language, they took to referring to their nocturnal spud-pulping activities as pomm de terre bashing, or pommie bashing for short. It was a spiffing wheeze, what, as not even Squadron Leader Rimmington-Frapworthy, who had taken a double first at Cambridge, could penetrate such deviousness. Like everybody else, he was far too busy perfecting his German accent in readiness for the coming escape.

jeez Cobblaz...think you give yourself a period of rest after that entry

The Holly and The Ivy owned by Guieseppe Baldini and Abel Gandolfini respectively were origianlly two rival cafes on opposite sides of West Street in WC2. A happy existence was enjoyed between the two with a healthy rivalry in the busy thouroughfare. However things changed in the summer of 1956 when Gandolfini's youngest (and ridculously ambitious) son decided to up the ante and accused Baldini of being an anit-clockwise tea stirrer - which as everyone knows when you hail from palermo - is tantamount to accusing someone of being a peadophile.

Whilst there was not truth to the rumour - Baldini's shame was enough for him to spiral into a deep depression which sadly only ended when he committed suicide in a bizzare self battering/deep frying incident early in 1957.

The Holly subsequently closed - and the rest as they say is history.

Next: Scottish cuisine

Scottish cuisine is famed for its individuality. No longer is it based on a base of tatties and neeps and led by visionaries such as Gordon Ramsay and Nick Nairn it now leads the world in the fine dining experience of deep fried chocolate bars

next: The F Word

err i have just read that back - whilst it is clearly one of the worst sentances i have ever written (since yesterday anyway) i think you can see where i'm coming from :)

Now THIS is a quality thread!

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apologies Luff...been preoccupied with Aintree this week but I'll keep you company on here

Mortuaries can be really cool places to hang out, particularly when you are out cold or are suffering from a deadleg (and the rest)...

Next: American fridges

"I'll have a Shetland Pony at Bottle on the favourite at Donny please, Mr Bookmaker."

A Shetland Pony is the tic-tac term for 15.

Next: tic-tac

PG Tips used to be obligatory for all self respected chimps tea parties and there was a time when any ape caught trying to get away with using Co-Op own brand would be shunned by its elders and forced to live as an outcast (famously caught on film by David Attenborough in his documentary Life On Earth). However since PG dispensed with the services of Mr Shifter and co in their tv adverts, there has been a movement in simian circles against using this brand and it is believed that some are even using Red Label bags to make their brew

next: Removal Men

Borneo is a large island in the Arctic Ocean. Owing to a little-understood optical illusion, however, it appears to lie on the Equator.

Next: Bluebells

During his coronation street at Caernarvon Castle in the late 60's Prince Charles wore a pair of Fox Gloves, when the queen mother said 'wear the fox hat', he was heard to reply 'about 20 miles South of Anglesey,Gran'.


Next: Gordon's Gin

One of the pivotal moments in the US Civil War was when top Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was accidentally shot and killed by his own men, a pastime which has remained popular in US forces to this day

next: Dry stone walling

Despite their super-confident (some would say 'arrogant') public personas, Radio 1 DJs from the 1970's were extrordinarily repressed sexually, to the extent that they were only able to refer to their genetalia euphamistically.

DLT (aka The Hairy Cornflake) would only ever call his pen1s "Travis Perkins". Others included: "The Little Master" (Simon Bates), "Frankie" (Mike Read) and "Mr Angry" (Steve Wright).

Next: Janice Long

It is often said when travelling ' dont forget your toothbrush' but unfortunately while adhering to this advice people forget to pack toothpaste to go with it. If this happens to you while on holiday in Spain, the phrase 'una maclean por favor' will soon sort you out providing you are in a chemist when you ask it

next: Spanglish

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WD-40 was the original name for Luke Skywalkers android friend C3PO in Star Wars but it was changed after objections from the robot itself who claimed his name was demeaning and only reminded him of his squeaky joint ailment. The crew of the Millenium Falcon all put their new suggestions into a hat..Princess Leia's suggestion of U571 went close, Luke's offering of 'Kevin' was unanimously rejected but it was Chewbacca who eventually picked the winning name

next: chewing tobacco