We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
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A mixture of chewing tobacco, semolina, earwax and ronseals one coat woodstain in a ratio of 4:2:3:1 is the exact ingredients required to replicate David Gest's and David Dickensons fake tan solution.
Next: Oranges |
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Regular viewers of the Channel 4 life-preserver Countdown will be familiar with the claim that there is no word in the English language that rhymes with orange or its second cousin, twice-removed, oranges. This is utter nonsense. Any mariner worth his sea-salt will inform you that there is a little-known aquatic multi-celled organism called a florange. Part plant and part rust, it dwells in the dark regions of the oceans and is particularly evident clinging to what remains of the White Star Liner RMS Titanic. Gordon Ramsay has plans to descend to the wreck, with the purpose of retrieving fronds of the said organism. If successful, he will incorporate them into his next signature dish, Duck a florange.
Next: The Titanic |
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Celine Dion has caused furore amongst her tens of fans as her recently released 'Greatest Hits' album's tracklisting consisted of the following
1. Theme from the titanic 2. My heart is on a boat that sank 3. It wasnt a lettuce it was a bloody great ice cube and it sank 4. The band played on the boat that sank with my heart 5. Go on, go on, women and children first you know 6. Theme from the titanic (again) 7. There arent many life boats in my heart which will go on (and probably sink) 8. My heart sank, but it will go on and on and on but not the on the boat 9. I will go on, with my heart and the boat, which sank 10. Go on, go on, go on with my heart and a boat, bleeding icebergs, it sank 11. It sank, with my heart (the boat did) but i will go on, with the iceberg 12. The boat sank and so did my heart but the iceberg went on and on and on. (special bonus track) 13. Sank, boat, heart, iceberg, go on, go on the main cause of concern is that there is no place for her celebrated cover version of Ministry's 'Jesus built my hot rod' which was only droped at the last minute because it had no reference to either a heart, boat, iceberg or a sinking. It is believed that at least three people are slightly miffed. Next: Ray Mears |
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Ray Mears is a divine figure in many parts of the world. His god like status comes from readers of the Mayan prophecies who believe that the world will be consumed by fire in 2012. It is also a lesser known prophecy that ' a man dressed in shorts will come forth and teach the survivors to drink from volcanic ash and to prepare a delicious stew from**roaches to survive...this man will become the emperor of the New Age'. Ray Mears is believed by many to be that man and he can often be seen being carried around on a sedan chair through tracts of rainforest by his devotees
next: In the year 2525 |
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Zager and Evans song 'In the year 2525' was in fact number one in the charts the week i was born but seeing as this is the amazing fact chain letter it wouldnt do to have a 'real' fact - so rest assured depending on which book of 'hit singles' you read it could also have been Creedance clearwater revivals 'Bad moon rising' (which some say, says a lot), the wombles' 'Super Womble' , Clive Dunn's 'grandad' and Spandau Ballets 'Gold' - make of that what you will.
Next: Ice T |
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Ice T (real name Lapsang Souchong) is one of the foremost Gangsta Rappas, so called because they provided a cheap service in run down neighbourhoods for wrapping presents for loved ones
They made a name as the foremost service for gift wrapping Uzis, a popular present among National Rifle Association members and Arnold Schwarzenegger fans next: Stomach crunches |
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It is essential for every man woman and child to do at least 30 stomach crunches daily - this is the only guaranteed way to prevent 'burpnfartitis'
As the name suggests this is the (often) fatal condition caused when somebody burps and farts at the same time, when this happens a vacuum is caused inside of the stomach the consequences of which are too hideous to describe here on a 'family' thread. Next: Ricky Ponting |
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"Ricky-ponting" is an obscure tradition practised in Ennerdale, in the English Lake District. Each year on the third Tuesday before Michaelmas, a young boy from a local village is plucked from his bed, shaved, rolled in goose fat and then covered head-to-toe in freshly sheared fleeces from Cumbrian Herdwick sheep. This unwitting victim, known as the "ricky", is then "ponted" from village to village by burly shepherds with wooden paddles. This can go on for up to nine hours, or until the pubs open.
Next: the NSPCC. |
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Apart from the charity that does sterling work for childrens causes. the acronym NSPCC will forever be remembered for those brave biscuit lovers who risked their lives during WW2 (National Society for the Protection of the Custard Cream). Living a shadowy existence due to rationing, this treasured biscuit became almost extinct in the 1940s and the recipe could have been lost forever during the Blitz, if it hadnt been for purveyors passing on their secrets by word of mouth. Members identified each other by a special handshake whereupon they would each produce one half of the biscuit which would then be symbolically joined.
It fared much better than another pre-war favourite biscuit, 'Mrs Beetons Chocolate Starfish', the demise of which is less well chronicled next: Masonic rituals |
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One of the least know of the Masonic rituals is that the Entered Apprentice must pull both trouser legs up to expose his knees, he is then blindfolded whilst both are then stoved in by the Master Mason with a 4lb hammer. He is then beaten unconcious with his own socks.
Next: Bupa |
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boing
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There you go TT
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You're a gentleman Pumpy. Thank you.
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Anytime
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"Bupa, boing. There you go TT."
"You're a gentleman Pumpy. Thank you." " Anytime." Is only accessible to subscribers of Pay per view television. Next: Danish chiropractors |
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Danish chiropractors are currently at the forefront of innovation across europe in the field of preventative chiropractory.
For instance they suggest that in order to avoid whiplash during a road traffic accident it is best to drive with ones ankles firmly tucked behind the neck. The suggestion on how to prevent Tennis Elbow is unfortunately unrepeatable on grounds of decency. Next: Gladiators |
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GLADIATORS - otherwise known as Crowism is a disease of the brain resulting in the afflicted person picking a fight with anyone bare chested , there is no known cure & in Albania the affected patient is not allowed within two miles of any beach ,when you hear the words " i will have my vengeance in this life or the next" it really is time to put your t- shirt back on.
Next rubber dinghies |
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In a masterful piece of recycling efficiency ,Rubber Dinghies are now being manufactured from used condoms . Once washed out -the condoms are specially treated to increase their already natural impermeability.
A spokesman for the factory said 'Once upon a time these dinghies would have been unthinkable - now we claim they're unsinkable'. Next : Roulette wheels |
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Great thread this.
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It is a little know but true and amazing fact that the high command of the Nazi Party used to tie ladies of easy virtue to large Roulette wheels and take turns having thier way with them as they spun around. What is even less well known is that this game is still played today after dark by feral teenagers using the merri-go-rounds in municipal parks up and down the land of England and accounts for 34.82 percent of teenage pregnancies in that country.
Next: Spin the bottle |
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The origins of 'Spin the Bottle' go back to ancient Egypt when high priests would use holy stone bottles to decide who amongst them would be buried alive with their Pharaohs. It wasnt all bad for the loser though as they were allowed to keep the bottle to place their internal organs or they could return them to the local bottle supplier for a 10p refund to live it up before they met their end
next: Tizer |
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Tizer is the original nickname of Eldrick Woods. He had to change it when joining the pro circuit due to advertising regulations. Others who had to comply were; Kleenex Montgomery and Supersize-me Daly.
Next: Putting a tiger in your tank |
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"Putting a tiger in your tank " was, throughout the 70s, thought to have been a euphemistically subversive way of ITV, through the power of advertising, appealing to the next generation of go-getters via a sexually suggestive slogan. It was nothing of the kind. It was, in fact, a reminder to tropical fish lovers everywhere that the positioning of a tiger fish in ones aquarium could, through the species ability to filter the guano of other fish, result in an improved environment not only for the ichthyogens, but also for the poor ichthyophiles who had nothing better to do than stare at a fishtank all day.
Next: Mushy peas |
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Beloved by Northerners not only as a foodstuff, mushy peas are still the most popular form of exfoliant amongst women in the Pennines who usual combine it with a beef dripping moisturizing mask
next: Pigeon fanciers |
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Nonces.
Next: Colonel Pigeon. |
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Colonel Pigeon was couldn't play the piano so his underling took all the acclaim for the recording of the number one theme tune for all bakers.
Next: Mouldy old dough |
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Delete *was
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Mouldy old dough is best for making granary bread. Whereas ordinary white loaves are made form fresh, clean dough its the spores growing in old dough which gives granary that subtle nutty flavour for which it is prized. If you want to make some at home just make your bread dough as per norm then leave it in dark corner of the garage for 6 months to fully mature
next: garage music |
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Garage music was invented by the Michelin Man when he'd been sniffing too many petrol pumps.
Next: Spare tyres |
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It is a little know and amazing fact that thier were three people on crosses with Jesus on Calgary,rather than just two as in commonly thought. The third was a crook called Tyres who had been selling ordinary olive oil as extra vigin at local prayer meetings. He was saved at the last minute when the assembled throng broke out in song singing Spare tyres!! Spare tyres!! Spare tyres!!
Next: Spin me right round like a record baby |
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Dead or Alive's hit was of course inspired by Shakespeare whose Hamlet told his mother Gertrude that she 'spinneth him right around like a record'. Records were first brought over to England by Sir Walter Raleigh although the first were all collections of touring South American pan pipe players. Although popular in the Elizabethan court, they were shunned by the populus as the devils work and the line was often dropped from performances at the Globe so as not to incite rioting, replaced instead by moralistic platitudes about the wisdom of being a borrower or a lender.
Shakespeare quotes are responsible for other notable musical hits like ' I'm Henery the Eighth I am', 'This Town Aint Big Enough for the Both of Us' and 'Shuddup yer Face' next: Codpieces |
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The most famous codpiece in history was that of the 3rd Earl of Cleethorpes, who due to a genetic abnormality was born with five tallywhackers (qv). He was a big hit with 16th-century society ladies, often employing the line: "Let me show you my codpiece -- it fits like a glove..."
Next: Cleethorpes. |