'Hansard' is a skin condition brought about by using anything other than Fairy Liquid to wash your dishes. As prevalent as small pox in the 1970s it has been largely eradicated due to vigorous campaigning from Nanette Newman and the advent of dishwashers

next: The Daz Doorstep Challenge

Danny Baker is currently in the Guinness Book of Records for being able to talk the longest without taking a breath. He managed to spout on for a full 7 mins 40 secs on his radio show one morning to the amazement of producers..he was immediately singled out as a possible star in Just A Minute but appearances there proved a huge flop as he managd a maximum of 7 seconds, endlessly falling foul of the repetition rule.

next: Hesitation

Hesitation, Hesitation, Hesitation is what you need. If you wanna be the best, if you wanna beat the rest ummmm Hestitation whats ya need. If you wanna be a bomb disposer yeahhh.

Next : Bomb disposal

Edible Underwear was hastily invented and marketed to appeals to ladies worried by news of Hannibal Lecter.

Next: Guantanamo Bay

Guantanamo Bay was once a favourite haunt of TV traveller Judith Chalmers. Unfortunatley she had to stop going as Orange is not her colour.

Next: Oranges are not the only fruit

John Redwood, the Conservative MP for the planet Vulcan, is actually more than 11 feet tall. He hides this disability by always standing a long way away.

Next: the larch.

After his success in building St Pauls Cathedral, Sir Christopher Wren took a step back from architecture and embarked on a career in magic. As ' The Great Wren' he wooed fops and dandies by producing small birds from out of their wigs and was the foremost exponent of his day in spinning platters. However his career was cut drastically short when an early version of the sawing in half trick went wrong and he beheaded the nobility in error

next: The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town

The Phantom Raspberry Blower of old London Town is a ghost who haunts Drury Lane Theatre, but only on first nights. He was a Bright Young Thing who got his big break in theatre land in 1911. On his first night he stepped up to the footlights only to be greeted by a chorus of raspberries from the audience. Heartbroken he ran out of the theatre in floods of tears, straight into an army recruitment centre to sign up for the King's shilling.

Within a week he was killed in Flanders, and ever since then the Drury Lane Theatre managers always expect raspberries to be blown on first night by the Phantom of London Town. So they say.

Next: Paganini's girlfriend

In the time of the Medicis the poorer suburbs of Verona called themselves the ghettos, but their snooty neighbours called them the Ghetti. Ghetti on a hill were called Monteghetti, Ghet near a mineral stream came too be known as Spaghetti.

The anglophile mayor of Spaghetti sired 3 daughters, whom he christened Elizabeth, Lisa, and Betty in honour of England's virgin queen. As their names were so similar, their nicknames became Gammabetti, Betabetti. The ravishing eldest daughter was famed all over Verona as Signorina Alphabetti Spaghetti.

Next: Alfred Nobel

Wile E. Coyote (to distinguish him from Wylye Coyote, who lives just off the A303 in Somerset) doesn't like to admit that his middle name is Engelbert.


Next: Siouxsie Sioux (and the Banshees).

Siouxsie Sioux came in 10th in the most popular names to christen a baby girl in China last year...there are currently 2 million babies sporting this name in Shanghai alone. Banchees are similar to lychees except slightly larger and less sweet and are the staple diet in this province.

next: The Thoughts of Chairman Mao

The true age of Joan Collins remains an unsolved question, which sages have been trying to answer since time immemorial.
Other questions which fit into this category are: "Where has all the white dog poo gone?" and " Does anyone lose on Betfair?"

Next: There are more questions than answers

It is not widely known that Cuboe has a lively grandchild, Colin, who often visits him on weekends. Colin spends all afternoon in front of Cuboe's posh SIS setup watching the afternoon racing, discussing the finer points of ricks and all-green trading. So keen is Colin that he would not miss a single race, would not leave the sitting room sofa. Instead of meal breaks Colin would eat snacks sitting on Cubone's luxurious sofa, including his granddad's justly famous filo pastry.

While thrilled that his grandchild is so conscientious toward the family business, Cubone being a tidy person does not like to see filo pastry crumbs fall all over his elegant sofa. Any moment that a crumb threatens to fall, and there were many such moments, Cubone would say "Colin, watch the filo on sofas!". After many such repetitions Cubone grew tired of it. So he made a cardboard placard which he then placed on top of the TV box, spelling it out:

"philosophers"

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ttt

Thanks for getting this thread back, EGG.

False teeth, as their name suggests, do not actually exist. False legs do, but only left ones.

Next: the Nintendo Wii.

Nougat is always the last sweet to be left in the box when the tin of Quality Street reaches you at Xmas....it is therefore responsible for the majority of household crimes taking place over the yuletide season attributable to 'sweet rage'. Nougat has been removed from all such boxes now in the US for fear of massive lawsuits.

next: Yule Logs

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