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Vomit was the name of William Wallace's pet West Highland Terrier. He was generally seen at the front of the battleline stirring Scottish troops into action by biting their ankles. Cartoonist Nick Park used the pair as an inspiration for The Wrong Trousers but an early focus group persuaded him to change the name
next: Wensleydale |
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Wensleydale is a valley in West Yorkshire made entirely of crumbly white cheese. Owing to its unusual geology, erosion is a major problem in the area, especially after deliveries of Ritz crackers.
Next: Potholing. |
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Potholing is the now the number one pastime in Japan. Due to the shortage of capsule style accommodation in the the cities, the Japanese have taken to beneath the ground to find a suitable pied a terre, many of them now living in rock crevices with ceilings two feet from the floor. The craze is expected to sweep across to Europe in the next few years with cave dwellers in the UK expected to top the one million mark by 2010.
Next: Turning Japanese |
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The Vapors' 1980 hit "Turning Japanese" was widely rumoured to be about masturbation. Similar rumours have been attached to many other songs, including "Teenage Kicks" by The Undertones, "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper, and "I Love To Bring Myself To Orgasm By Rythmically Manipulating My Genitals" by Cliff Richard.
Next: Pyramint. |
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Pyramints are now languishing in the great chocolate bar graveyard in the sky but for a short while these natty mint fondant filled choccy treats were very popular in the 80s. Their origins are much earlier though..King Tut's father Akhanaten was a defier of traditional Egyptian convention and when his pyramid was first explored by Victorian artefact hunters they were dismayed to find that the inner sanctum was filled entirely with ageing mint fondant. Tomb robbers had been fed for centuries by the sickly white liquid and it is still traditional in many Nile villages to be buried with a box of After Eights in homage to this tradition
Next: Mummies |
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I want my Mummie.
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Excellent, Rod.
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Mummies and daddies is the latest childhood game to be banned from school playgrounds. Only neuters and neuters is allowed now.
Next: Political correctness |
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In 2002, 1980s ska-pop star Suggs (real name Suggfred Suggington-Smythe) launched a campaign to highlight the injustices faced by one-armed Madagascan lesbians in Haringey. In a sniffy editorial in The Sun at the time, right-wing funster Richard Littlejohn (real name John Littlerichard) huffed: "It's Madness gone politically correct!" He had been waiting to use this particular joke for twenty years, since around the time of the release of "Driving In My Car" in July 1982.
Next: Baggy Trousers. |
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Political correctness is responsible for more bannings on the Chit Chat forum than any other subject
Next: Putting your foot in it |
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like London buses on this thread this morning :)
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Baggy trousers are particularly useful to clowns. Charlie Carrolli would never have managed to get into the circus ring with his modesty intact if he hadn't put his foot in It every night. 'It' being his pet name for a voluminous pair of kecks that fit over his number 54 sized shoes, but had a snug inner-liner that kept his privates in place when he took a pratfall.
Next: Gussets |
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In the early
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oops that wasnt meant to happen...I was only just starting
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In the early 19th century it would be easy to tell a proper well heeled dapper dandy type from a wannabe simply by seeing if the fop in question had a gusset in his shirt or breeches.
Jane Austen frequently mentioned the importance of gussets in her works...it wasnt just a matter if a gentleman had five thousand a year....if he didnt have the proper gusset he would immediately be pinpointed as a cad and a bounder just as Mr Darcy noted when Mr Wickham got off his horse and split his pants in a famous scene from Pride and Prejudice...he had him well and truly sussed next: social stereotypes |
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Social stereotypes are often perceived to be a bad thing, especially when used in a negative manner. For example, 'Horse racing forumite' may immediately conjure images of obstroperously conceit ne'er do wells in some, even though it is likely that there are in existence some very well adjusted types frequenting the horse racing forum whose voices are lost in the sea of vitriol that is 99% of the inhabitants. Another social stereotype could be 'yummy mummy', possibly sexist that one, who can tell?
Next: Yummy mummies? |
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Contrary to popular belief, mummies are not actually yummy. In fact they taste of old bandages and embalming fluid, although to be fair that's still better than most other Egyptian food.
Next: The River Nile. |
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It's just gone noon
Half past monsoon On the banks of the River Nile Here comes the boat Only half-afloat Oarsman grins a toothless smile Only just one more To this desolate shore Last boat along the River Nile Next : Sailing adventurers |
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There y'go.
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Ah, glad this is back!
When you think of sailing adventurers in the context of 1980s synth-pop, you think of SIMON LE BON. The peroxide-quiffed singer entered the Fastnet yachting race in 1985, but misread the rules and tried to sail his yacht "Drum" (named after his favourite brand of tobacco) upside down, with hilarious consequences. Le Bon escaped unscathed from his aquatic escapades, although millions of Cornish seabirds were killed by the resulting hairspray slick. Next: Hairspray. |
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When men stop to ogle women in the street they often take it the wrong way...rather then leering at them lecherously they are more likely to be thinking of that popular Silvikrin hairspray advert of the early 80s and wondering 'is she or isnt she?'....
next: Hai Karate after shave |
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Hai Karate after shave, with its lemen and bergomot undertones, is the perfect way to signal a love of hand to hand combat and encourage those around you to commit GBH. It is a little known fact that when Hai Karate is mixed in the correct proportions with vomit from a Kebab it will form a paste that when dried down the front of a Saturday night reveller can stop a bullet from a 38. (Saturday night special) Hence Hai Karates alternate name, Saturday night special protection.
Next: .357 |
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i am alive and well!!
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the .357 cartridge was invented by Keith Harris Snr at the Smith & Wessen Factory. Disillusioned by the suffering his invention had bought to the world he decided his son would only bring joy. At an early age he purchased a green Duck dummy and taught young Keith Jnr the art of ventriloquy, the rest is television history.
Next : If we could all fly right up to the sky |
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If we could all fly right up to the sky, current capacity at London Heathrow airport would be seriously inadequate. In addition to the new Terminal 5, it is predicted that Terminals 6 to 114 would have to be built by 2013. The duty-free shops alone would have to cover an area the size of Belgium.
Next: An area the size of Belgium. |
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An Area The Size of Beligum was the first chart hit for Frankie Frank and the Rainforests. Reaching number 22 in the UK charts (no. 3 in Belgium) in 1987 it was followed by Who Are You Wanting Tomorrow? which failed to chart.
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Next: Top Of The Pops
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Top of the Pops is an annual competition held in the southern states of America by which overly cute children vote for their fathers. In conjunction with its sister programme 'Number One Momma', show winners are rewarded with free meals for life at Burger King, unlimited supplies of Hostess Cup Cakes and their own newly built house in a community in Texas specially designed for them called Stepford.
next: Apple Pie |
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McDonald's Apple Pie filling is believed my physicists to be the most similar commonly available material to the interior of the sun. Once heated, it is capable of undergoing sustained fusion at temperatures in excess of 20,000 Kelvin for up to seven months.
Next: The sun. (Or The Sun, whichever you prefer.) |
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The Sun is the largest planet in out solar system, measuring up to three times the diameter of earth. It is mostly gaseuous but has a core of molten**.
Next: Des O'Connor |
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Des O'Connor collects pickled onions.
Next: Mothballs |
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Gasper Undertuck Pyle, 47, from Rhode Island led an unremarkable life and was relatively unknown out side of his home town untill December 15 1953 when he was photographed by his cousin Jed with 236 mothballs in his mouth as a result of a family game of "Truth or Dare". Gasper was faced with admitting that he was infact a virgin or stuffing his mouth with mothballs. The publication of the photo made Gasper a local celebrity and was in much demand as a sexual partner in Rhode Island for much of 1954 until his death on 29 May, which was the result of filling his mouth and throat with 23 tubes of colgate tooth paste. Why he did this remains unknown.
Next: Death on the river Nile |
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Death on the River Nile, while it is most commonly atributed to alligators is in fact most prevalent on Nile Cruise Ships. About 10-15 murders take place on average every week and special lounges have been constructed on most boats whereby the ships own obligatory eccentric detectives can round up everyone in their evening dinner dress to tell them whose fiendish motives he has uncovered
next: Famous Belgians |
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A Belgian is a term that refers to a person who has been killed in the act of Bell Ringing. It is a little know fact that every year hundreds of skinney feabel minded bell ringers are killed when after tugging the rope connected to the bell they wish to ring, they fail to let go of the rope. It is not uncommon for Church bells to weigh several tons. The result of failing to let go of the rope results in instant death as the bell ringer gets a crash course in the conservation of momentum and thier brains are dashed on the roofs of bell towers up and down the land. Miss Daisy Frobisher is a Famous Belgian. She killed her self by failing to let go of her rope on Feburary 29 1972 in Ripon Catherdral. Members of the congregation noted a look of terror on her face as clung to her rope on its upswing. She was comprehensively pulped on the walls of the bell tower and unusually mangeled in the mechanism of the bells. The bells were cleaned but bits of her still occasionally fall out of the bells at times of vigourous ringing like Christmas Day.
Next: letting go |
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Letting go is very similar to letting rip but without the terrible tearing sound which can often accompany strong wind.
Next: strong wind |
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Stong Wind was the name of a great Cherokee Indian warrior. Little else is known about him other than his unique ability to incapacite an opponent by producing the most pungent flatus almost at will. Due to a congenital deformity he did not have complete controll of his anal sphincter and was often banished to his teepee with his Indian wife and reknowned cook, Five Beans.
Next: Tenting |
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The sound of five car horns being pressed simultaneously
Next: the rule of the road. |
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It is a little known and amazing fact that the "Society for common sense solutions to global warming, greater prosperity and erradication of poverty. or S.F.C.S.S.T.G.W.G.P.A.E.O.P. as they prefer to be known has long campained for a new "rule of the road." S.F.C.S.S.T.G.W.G.P.A.O.P. has lobbied succesive governments to make it law, that at times of high demand for road space, that all drivers of cars older than six years must pull on the the hard shoulder. So far their calls have gone unheard.
Next: hansard |