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The Incas were all convicted of Conspiracy to Cause Criminal Damage and imprisoned along with their co-conspirators, the Paintas, after a week long graffiti binge in railway sidings in the Cuzco area. This allowed the Spanish to take over South America
Next - Spanish Fly |
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Spanish Fly was a horse trained to the minute by Jose d'Garden for the Ascot Gold Cup of 2006. Unfortunately, because of the summer heatwave, the horse buzzed off into the stands for an ice cream and never made it to the start.
Next: Waterhose ban |
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The waterhose ban is currently the most popular hose ban in the UK but it isnt the only one. The doublet and hose has been banned in London since the 1970s as it is no longer considered trendy and Parliament also decreed a lederhose ban during the First World War a the behest of the King who wanted to expunge all trace of his German roots. The wearing of lederhosen in a public place is still punishable by being placed in stocks in front of Buckingham Palace.
next: Princess Michael of Kent |
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Princess Michael of Kent was once invited onto the Dame Edna Everage tv show.
She turned the invitation down, so Dame Edna hired a ' look-a-like' - and had her hanging by her ankles at the top of the stairs when she was introduced (true story). The real Princess Michael refused to speak to Dame Edna for 10 years. Next: Women without humour |
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Queen Victoria is infamous for her lack of humour: 'We are not amused'. However, this was a cunning front to hide her burning love for Scottish comedian (allegedly) Billy Connolly, aka Mr Brown. The Queen Vic and the Big Yin had a passionate Highland fling before Billy succumbed to the voluptuous charms of Pamela Stephenson, an Aussie temptress who had found fame in the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, Not The Size Nine Shoes.
Next: Great double acts. |
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While there have been many great double acts in the last century (The Two Ronnies, Morecambe & Wise, Winters & Schnorbitz, etc) it is generally accepted that Laurel and Hardy were the first truly great double act and deserve their place at the top of this particular tree. This is not strictly true however....King Henry VIII was the foremost straight man of his day ( a kind of medieval Ernie Wise it has been said) and was a great exponent of the double act...he tried many times to find the perfect partner experimenting with both the foremost comedic princesses from the royal houses of Europe and his own courtiers. Henry and Wolsey was the most successful double act of his time until it came to a premature end when Wolsey started to coin his catch phrase...' you must really hate me' resulting in the supreme comic irony of his execution.
next: Famous Last Words |
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As a conductor, bandleader and composer, James Last is more famous for his music than his words, but it is rumoured that he will soon collaborate with legendary lyricist Tim Rice on creating a musical. With the catchy title of 'Non-Stop Dancing meets Cats that play Chess', sources close to both maestros are confident this new project will keep cricket fan Tim busy during rain delays at Lord's (or even when it's sunny) and be a fitting tribute to the Herr Last's 40-year career in the music business.
Next: Premature hair loss (PHL) |
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Continuing on the musical theme, Premature Hair Loss is the term 'in the trade' for when a musical is dropped before its run its full time. Coined after the American hippy musical lasted only 1 week into its run at the Glasgow Empire, it is the nemesis of all successful West End producers.
Andrew Lloyd Webber is believed to be excessively paranoid about the condition and it is reported that he is constantly to be heard pacing around his theatres muttering about his worries concerning being 'finished prematurely' Next: Occam's Razor |
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Occam's Razor is a principle attributed to an English monk, William of Occam/Ockham, who lived in a friary in the 14th century and spent his spare time (which must have been considerable in the pre-Internet age) contemplating questions of logic and philosophy. William posited that the explanation of any phenomenon should make as few assumptions as possible, eliminating, or "shaving off", those that make no difference in the observable predictions of the explanatory hypothesis or theory (thx Wikipeida). A theory that this principle struck William while he was shaving one morning remains unproven and probably holds no water - or indeed shaving cream.
Next: Close shaves |
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The tagline for the film Mary Reilly, starring Julia Roberts and Glenn Close read:
'Close shaves, Roberts doesn't' |
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your own thread Sparky and you havent put down the next topic...tut tut
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Oops,
Next: Pretty Woman |
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Some thespians go to extraordinary lengths to blend into the roles for their parts...Robert de Niro and Adrien Brody have both done extraordinary things to their body weight to achieve Oscar winning success. It is not known exactly what extremes Julia Roberts went to to prepare for her role as a prostitute in Pretty Woman, although I was once offered reasonable terms for a 'good time' by what was probably her stunt double on a visit to Amsterdam in the 90s
next: Window shopping |
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Window shopping is ideal for sufferers from 'pushyvendorphobia' (fear of shop assistants). Not entering a shop means you can browse at leisure without being hassled by a spotty teenager who sees you only as chance to augment his paltry salary. In summer, you willl also avoid air conditioning that is too cold or doesn't work and, from early November onwards, piped music by way of Christmas carols. Another advantage of window shopping is that it costs nothing - a fact not lost on Scotsmen who live in Yorkshire, or even Yorkshiremen who live in Scotland.
Next: The Flying Scotsman |
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The fastest 100m ever recorded was by the flying Scotsman, Allan Wells, who was hand timed at 8.75 secs after hearing from a passer by that he had dropped a five pound note along Princes St, Edinburgh. He was never able to reproduce such a time on the track when the motivation was not as strong (never able to recover from the fact that someone had beaten him to it to the fiver it is said) but did manage to beat the best the world had to offer in the 1980 Olympics (oh except the Americans that is!)
next: Irn Bru |
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Irn Bru is made in Scotland from girdles.
Next: Ladies undercrackers |
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As their name would suggest, undercrackers are the special term for knickers worn only during the Christmas holidays. To fit the festive mood, they are always red with a white, furry trim. Warm and saucy, they make the perfect Christmas present for your beloved (or even your wife).
Next: Wife swapping |
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Wife swapping became popular in the 1970s after a notable case on Multi Coloured Swap Shop when an anonymous fan wanted to swap his wife for Posh Paws. Shortly afterwards, Posh Paws went missing and the programme went into terminal decline.
Next: Noel Edmonds |
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Noel Edmunds was born Noel Jones in Wales in 1912.
Next: Welsh people |
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Charlotte Church and Gavin Henson are Welsh people. One is a singer who likes swearing and eating cream cakes (though not at the same time); the other is a rugby player with a penchant for using copious amounts of hair gel.
Next: Celebrity couples |
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'celebrity couples'-a phrase used by the mediocre media as a header to forwarn all sane minded folk that they can safely ignore all content in said article without fear of missing out on anything the least bit important.
next topic:the gutter press |
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Not to be confused with two drunks falling into the road and squashing each other, 'the gutter press' is a put down used by snobs and editors of 'quality' newspapers (often one and the same) to describe rival papers that sell several times more copies than they do.
Next: Copycat crime |
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One of the worlds first printing presses, the Guttenberg press is famous for the bibles produced by it in the 1400s. However its creator, Johannes Guttenberg wasnt too happy with his creation, the ink quality wasnt up to scratch and it didnt faithfully produce the cartoons that he wanted to put in it. With the profits from his bible sales being raked in (through a highly successful mailshot operation), Johannes built a bigger, better press...it worked so well he was heard to shout 'das ist gut!...eine gutter press!' and the name stuck. The buyers werent interested in the new updated bible with the cartoons however which many found distasteful (they were found again many years later , slightly updated and renamed 'George and Lynne')
Next: Fig leaves |
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oops too late....bit like London buses on this thread today
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Not nearly as tasty as fig themselves, figleaves have been with us since the Garden of Eden when they spared Adam and Eve's blushes. Now in the 21st century, the name is used by an online company selling underwear and swimwear (plug, plug).
Next: Duncan Goodhew |
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Duncan Goodhew is best known for his ability as a breast stroke swimmer and for being bald. It is a little known fact that he used to have long curly red hair until Canadian swimmer Victor Davis kicked him hard in the testicles after 200m event that saw Duncan wiinning by .001 of a second. Duncan suffered no ill effects of the kick to his gonads except that all his hair fell out and never grew back.
Next: Breast stroke |
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V i c t o r Davis RIP
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"Breast stroke" is the reply given by the waiter to the diner who asked him "What's that fly doing in my soup?"
Next: Tommy Cooper |
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Born in Wales was our Tommy.
Next:- Fez |
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Fez was in Flack Grape, but nobody knew why.
Next: The Jackal |