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Hedonism is the name given to actors who turn down roles in films which would have made their fortune. This comes from the fact that Hedy Lamarr once turned down the starring female lead in Casablanca.
Other actors guilty of 'Hedonism' are George W. Bush for Hopalong Cassidy and Margaret Thatcher for It Came From Planet Zog. Next: Samson and Delilah |
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It is not generally know that Rembrant used to suck giganitic gob stoppers as he worked.
One of his works."The Blinding of Sampson" depicts soldiers holding Samson after he has had his hair cut off and having a dagger plunged into one of his eyes. Delilah is depicted running from the scene with a pair of scissors and a handful of Sampsons hair. When he finished this work he is said to have remarked that he thought Deliah was " A hard boiled piece of eye candy". Next: confectionary |
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"Confectionary" is the term given to confetti scattered outside churches after a wedding. It is not widely known that confectionary was collected off the streets during blackout in WWII, sprayed with aluminium paint, and used as a radar countermeasure during bombing raids over occupied Germany.
Next: Hypertension |
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Hypertension is the medical name for blood pressure. This condition is often suffered by gamblers. In fact, a story of the same name (Blood Pressure) appears in a Damon Runyon book 'More Than Somewhat' starting and ending with him going to the doctor with a stomach complaint.
Next: Ten bucks please |
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Timbuktu is still regarded as one of the hardest places in the world to get to, being situated as it is in northern Mali in the Sahara desert. Even if you manage to reach it and then return alive thier is nothing much to do in Timbuktu and its quite dull so many people have been killed over nothing. Ten bucks please lies 100km to the south. It has an international airport, good bus and train routes and is served by a very reasonable helicopter service from the coast. It has many museams, theaters and cultural events. The night life is outstanding and the women are amoung the most beautiful in the world and very friendly. Beer is free.
Next: Holiday nightmares |
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. Dot is short hand in the supreme being house hold for the first time that Mr. Supreme Being decided to create a universe that expanded following a big bang and then contracted in a big crunch some several billion years later.
Dot 1 is the second time Mr. Supreme being performed this trick and so on. He has been promising to stop doing this and let everything finish once and for all in a "big rip" that will happen when everything gets so far away from everything else that no forces of attrataction work between particles and even atoms decintegrate, bringing a final end to the endless cycle of bang and crunch. Mrs. Supreme being has some chores for Mr Supreme being so she wishes he would get on with the big rip and stop playing with crunches and bangs. They have been argueing since the year dot. Next: the origin of football |
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The game of football has been played for over 3000 years by tribesmen in Papua New Guinea except that human heads have traditionally been used instead of balls. Early explorers discovered the sport and Captain Cook's crew were the first to officially pit a team against the locals losing 11-0. Cook was so incensed by the defeat that he wrote an edict that Papua New Guinea should be forbidden from playing the sport against anyone but themselves in the future. This still survives today with FIFA blocking all attempts by the country to compete despite their numerous defeats of Brazil in friendlies in the past 50 years
next: Pot noodles |
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Pot noodles are the queens favorite food. Not many people know this but when she is abroad on Royal visits she can often be seen pushing food around her plate and failing to gobble it all up. This is because when she gets back to her room she gets rid of every one in her royal way and uses a special royal kettle that she travels with to make a yummy pot noodle. Spicy Chicken is her favorite.
Next: little know hobbies of the rich and famous |
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little know hobbies of the rich and famous include beetle driving. This is a favourite pastime within the Hollywood Hills where the locals don't get out much due to being mobbed by fans. This, however, is not the standard form of beetle drive involving a dice, pen and paper, but involves the real use of live beetles. The competitors each choose a beetle and the aim of the game is to drive the beetle mad by prodding it and taunting it, the winner being the person whose beetle is first to start banging it's head against the wall or has the only beetle left alive when other competitors prod too hard. Large amounts of money are bet on this sport and match rigging / beetle drugging is becoming more and more of a problem. Competitors have known to add small spikes to the end of their prodding sticks which they then lace with small amounts of LSD or other hallucinogenic drugs but this practise is now being pushed out of the sport by random drug testing by the IOC. Prize beetles are also changing hands for large sums of money despite only being good for one event with Johnny Depp allegedly paying a six figure sum for a Death Watch Beetle, although it was a good investment as once released from it's matchbox, it took one look at the decor and started banging it's head against the skirting board giving Johnny the current world record of 1.849 seconds, 0 prods and 0 insults which looks set to remain undefeated for some time!!
next : Quantum Theory |
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Quantum theory, by it's own design, doesn't exist. Then again, it may do so.
Next: Did Einstein ever meet a unicorn without Strings? |
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Johann Sebastian Bach composed Air on a G String around 1722-23. It is scored for first and second violins, viola, and continuo. What is less well know is that he got the idea for it when he fell down a well in his garden and entered another dimension where he met Einstein who had traveled back in time with his girl friends undergarments. Einstein did this to tie up unicorns with string and dress them up in his girl friends sexy clothes. Nothing else untoward occured of course.
Einstein and Bach chatted for a bit and then it was time to return to thier own dimensions. Before they departed Bach remarked that thier was some "Hair on a G String". We can be sure that Einstein always took his string to meet Unicorns. Next: Wishing wells |
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Every year before the Epsom Derby and in accordance with long tradition, a gypsy writes the name of the predicted winner of the race on the wishing well at the Amato pub in Epsom. Locals claim that there is a 70 - 80 per cent success rate.
Every year before the Wokingham Handicap at Royal Ascot and in accordance with tradition, mini me writes the name of the predicted winner of the race on the darts scoreboard at the Bricklayers Arms pub in Midhurst. Locals claim that there have been no successes whatsoever so far, but they know that Lady Luck is about to shine and can't wait for opening time on Saturday morning. They also hope that some non racing persons doesn't beat them to it, have an early morning game of Killer, and erase the hot tip in the process. Next: Royal Ascot |
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Every year before the Epsom Derby and in accordance with long tradition, a gypsy writes the name of the predicted winner of the race on the wishing well at the Amato pub in Epsom. Locals claim that there is a 70 - 80 per cent success rate.
Every year before the Wokingham Handicap at Royal Ascot and in accordance with tradition, mini me writes the name of the predicted winner of the race on the darts scoreboard at the Bricklayers Arms pub in Midhurst. Locals claim that there have been no successes whatsoever so far, but they know that Lady Luck is about to shine and can't wait for opening time on Saturday morning. They also hope that some non racing persons don't beat them to it, have an early morning game of Killer, and erase the hot tip in the process. Next: Royal Ascot |
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Royal Ascot is well known and assciated with hats. It is a little known fact that buried 15 yards from the finish line there is a lump in the ground that is the cause of many unusual results at the course. This lump came about when Queen Anne buried her favorite hat there after a night of drunken high jinks. In the hat is a silver tablet on which the Universal rule of racing is written.
The collective amnesia rule. " After each race, thou shalt conveniently forget all erroneous predictions, prophecies and comments made before the race regarding the relative abilities and chances of the horses involved. " Next: Hats |
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The High Altitude Test Squadron (HATS), currently based at RAF Cottesmore, does not appear in the public roster of RAF units. Its role is to conduct high altitude testing of experimental aircraft designs. It is not widely known that Douglas Bader was seconded to HATS when he suffered the crash that led to the loss of his legs.
Next: Absinthe |
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The thinker is a famous sculpture and thought to depict a man in deep contemplation as he sits at the gates of hell. In fact he is not engaged in a titanic phylisophical batte merely trying to remember what Absinthe is...........
Next: The Banquet of Chesnuts |
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Chestnuts............rather.............google it if you dare...........
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An orgy like dinner hosted by the Borgias it is not to be confused with the Banquet of Cheshunt which is a charity dinner hosted by the local Rotary Club every year...there have been several embarrassing incidents at the event over the years when unexpected dyslexic gatecrashers have spoiled the party by indulging in wanton sexual acts in front of the rotarians...although the police have yet to arrest anyone at the event by all accounts
next: The Diet of Worms |
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The Diet of Worms, developed by Martin Luther, was the precursor of the Atkins Diet. Luther nailed the diet to the door of Castle Church, Wittenberg on 31st October 1516, exactly one year before his 95 Theses.
The Diet of Worms was suppressed by the burghers of Wittenberg under pressure from local sausage makers and no copies are believed to have survived. Next: Dundee cake |
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Dundee cake is a popular alternative to the traditional Christmas cake. Originally a Scottish Christmas cake from Dundee, it is light as well as spongy and not as rich as the traditional Christmas cake.
Next: Dave Lee Travis |
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DLT makes an excellent Christmas Cake every year.
Next: Jellied eels |
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Jellied eels are a delicacy that has fallen out of favour. A factory in the Japan was visited by inspectors from the UN in March 2004 because it was suspected that nuclear weapons were being developed. It turned out that Honda infact using the plant to develope an engine that would run on jellied eels to use up the surplus. Obviously the incident was covered up as the whole thing was a bit embarrassing for all concerned.
Next: Earthquakes |
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Earthquakes, as any seismologist will tell you, come as a result of the planet belching. They principal cause comes form large amounts of coca cola being wasted and pouring into the water table and the resultant gases building up until the rock strata can withstand the presssure no more. San Francisco residents are constantly advised to drink up their coke and not to pour it down the drain to prevent a repeat of the 1906 burp.
next: Flatulence |
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The "ulence" is a cosmic wind operating at the extremities of the earth's spinning plate. When aircraft fly to the edge of the earth's plate, they are forced invisibly inward by this goegraphilcal force, depositing the plane at a corresponding point further along the plate. It is possible to observe a mini-ulence by throwing a frisby, upside down, into a wind tunnel.
The inward force of the ulence gives the impression that the world is round, as winds cause aeroplanes inwards in a circular motion, but those who say it is round are talking out of their @rse. Next: Sian Lloyd |
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Many male television viewers have looked at Sian Lloyd and attempted to forecast whether...
Next: Michael Fish |
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Famous tv weatherman - his real name is Michaelangelo Puffer-Fish but changed his name while studying at meteorlogical college after constant bullying by Ian McCaskill...this rivalry continued at the BBC with the pair vying to present the most exciting weather programme before they both had to admit defeat when Fred Talbot's floating weather map on This Morning was invaded by a streaker. Fish has now retired from weather forecasting and makes a living selling replicas of his moustache.
next: Facial hair |
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Many women suffer from unwanted facial hair. Often facial hair in women appears first during puberty and then becomes more prolific from the age of 35 +. The main areas it seems to appear are on the lip and chin but many women experience unwanted hair growth on their jaw cheeks and neck area. Worse still is that for some reason, as you get older, so the facial hair seems to get darker and coarser.
Next: Spontaneus Human Combustion |
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Dutch people are inherently prone to SHC. The Dutch government, in an attempt to protect against mass combustion, has built a system of dykes with integral explosive charges. The explosives will automatically trigger in the event of a temperature spike in the population of more than fifteen degrees fahrenheit, allowing the sea to swamp the low lying country and prevent the conflagration spreading to the rest of Europe.
This ever present threat to the Netherlands goes some way to explaining the population's prediliction for recreational drug use. Next: Tulips |
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Tulips is the greatest fighter in the history of the American Penal System. He lives in solitary confinement is a Colorado SuperMax Facility. He is let out once a year to fight single handedly against three other inmates who are armed with lead pipes, baseball bats and knives. Tulips is always handicapped by having his arms and legs chained together. Usually it takes him five mins to get these off and in this part of his fights he takes a fair old battering as the armed inmates give him quite a pounding and the gaurds take bets. Tulips record is 13 wins and no loses. Some gaurds have made so much money backing him that they have been able to retire.
Next: Daffodils |
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Wordsworth famous poem:
'I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills, When all at once I saw a crowd, A host, of golden daffodils' was penned when the scribe made his first visit to the bulb fields of Springfields Garden Centre in Spalding, Lincs. It is part of a trilogy based on his travels in the county also comprising 'caravan parks' (based on his first sight of Skegness) and 'oh god get me out of this place' on visiting Scunthorpe next: Steelworks |
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Former TV star Remington Steele works in a chippy these days.
Next: Gilbert & Sullivan |
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Masters of the light opera, William Gilbert and Sir Arthur O'Sullivan were also the forefathers of cryotechnology and when they died both their bodies frozen so that the musical gifts could be bestowed on future generations. However in secret wartime opeartions both of their heads were stolen by German Intelligence. Dr Mengele secretly used their DNA to blend with the cream of Aryan blood to create superhumans who were ' the very model of modern major generals' and who could sing as well. His experiments were not a success...the only resultant offspring...codename 'Gilbert O'Sullivan' was released into the English public by his Paraguayan overlords in the 1970s and subjected them to the terror of 'you're a bad dog baby' before fading into obscurity several years later
Next: Top of the Pops |
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Top of the pops. A version of Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" by C. C. S. was used as the show's theme tune for most of the 1970s, and also in a remixed version between 1998 and 2003, although ironically the band never performed on the show. The rise in mental illness and growing prison population are widely believed in the medical community to be attributable to TOTPS.
Next: Year 2015 |
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2000 ?
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