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No. He was, predictably enough, unlucky.
Next: twists of fate. |
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"Feat" and "feta"
Next: Martinique |
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The Caribbean island of Martinique is named after the drink Martini which originates from volcanic springs in the island and feeds the local lakes and rivers. Martini is the most expensive mineral water in the world and although it has contributed heavily to the islands economy has also been largely responsible for many unfortunate accidents to late night swimmers
next: Pyroclastic flow |
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Pyroclastic flow is what housewives trained in the art of selling Pyrex at other women's houses get consumed by when imbibing too much of the hostess's wine and there is a volcanic reaction of their stomachs.
Next: Parties |
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Watney's 4 and 7 - the ruin of many a 70's shirt and carpet and made you believe that owning a low-slung two-seater sports car and looking like Jason King was synonymous with this beer.
You don't see it any more. Next: Funny, that. |
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ttt
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"Funny, that" is an anagram of *****Hutt, who was the second wife of Jabba. They had two sons, Nissen and Pizza.
Next: Pizza Hut. |
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that's F A N N Y
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ttt ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ttt
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Pizza - Hut
Pottery - Barn Pancakes - House (of) You'd think pizzas were more lucrative to move out of a hut when the other two aren't as well known. Still... Next: Maurice Hope |
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Maurice Hope is the long lost great cousin - twice removed - of the actor and comedian Bob. Although originally named Robert after his famous relative, on entering the boxing ring for his first professional fight, he took a fancy to the music playing and decided he wanted some people to call him 'Maurrrrice!' The name stuck, although in the more accepted version.
Next: The Joker |
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One of Batman and Robins greatest foes, 'The Joker' (aka Cesar Romero) managed to escape from Gothams Stateville Penitentiary in the late 1960s and absconded to Britain where he opened a pub of the same name in Seven Kings, Essex, where may of the Caped Crusaders old vanquished foes (except Catwoman) can now be found in drunken stupours on most nights (except Thursdays when they are in the Cauliflower down the road).
(WARNING: If you do go in said establishment before a fancy dress party you are advised not to dress as Batman or Robin or you could end up being zapped or kapowed) next: Romford Dogs |
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romford dogs derives from the ugly women who frequent night clubs in the said town .instead of calling them romford ladies they call them dogs because they look like rotweillers.they can be seen every saturday night normally having a drunken fight with another old dog that looked at her man.or instead you can visit the local greyhound stadium.
next sottish football |
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Sottish football is played on Sunday's up and down the country. Usually ends up with someone spewing up at half time, twelve of the 22 having a smoke and some bloke turning up in a Ford Sierra but watching the game from inside window down, heating up.
"Sottish" of course pertains to sot. Look it up. Another forum abuser failed to do so once and was made to look a braying oik by a snotty-nosed council estate kid. I forget who. Next: Council backhanders |
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The current council backhander average rate in the UK is 1,750 but this does not account for some bizarre regional variations. The South East remains the area where building companies are forced to dig deepest into their pockets for councils to release those unwanted inner city cemeteries whereas in some areas of the North as little as 5 can still suffice if you are lucky (or equivalent value in black puddings)
next: The North/South Divide |
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The North/South Divide is also known as the "Equator", and acts as a sort of girdle to hold the earth's middle in and prevent unsightly bulges. However it is not especially effective, and in fact due to centrifugal force from the planet's rotation, it's equatorial circumference is actually slightly larger than its polar circumference. This may be the reason why, despite being 4.6 billion years old, the earth has never managed to pull Venus.
Next: Centrifugal force. |
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There is no such thing! The force is actually pushing you inward. There is no force pushing you outward. It's one of the things I learnt at physics "O" level.
Next: "O" levels. |
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An astonishing number of call girls in London are actually very highly educated, as can easily be ascertained by studying the cards placed in any public call box. You will be amazed by how many of the ladies proufly advertise the fact that they have "O" and "A" levels. Which is odd, as exam certificates are not high on the list of things a gentleman asks to see while she's sucking his
Next: Betfair Customer Services. |
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Betfair Customer Services are 100% Betfair, 100% Customer and 100% Service focused
Next: Holy Roman Empire |
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The Holy Roman Empire was the worlds first multiplex cinema. A spin off from the huge success of the gladiatorial games in the Colisseum, the idea failed to take off with the Roman populus despite being at the forefront of pinhole camera technology and was pulled down to make way for the building of St Peters.
next: Russell Crowe |
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Russell Crowe was a founder member of the all-American rock group the Black Crowes, along with Sheryl Crow (who later dropped an E when she discovered the dance scene) and Jim Crow, who suggested the name.
Next: rednecks. |
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Steve - I didn't know we were Counting Crows?
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Rednecks appear immediately below the redheadline which is itself immediately below the hankie on the head...
next: Hankies on the head |
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Hankies on the head is Britain's contribution to Skin Cancer Research globally. That and the phrase "balding men especially". Excessive sun isn't historically a British issue and so funds tend to be diverted into eradicating/preventing other forms of the disease.
Conversely, the Australian contribution is Factor 150 sun lotion. You squeeze the bottle and a table, four chairs and oversized beach canopy pop out. For those who have ever suffered sunstroke or, heaven forfend, skin cancer, you know how unfunny this is as a subject. It is a sad indictment of the UK today that this may be the most serious warning you have regarding these ailments. Next: Gravy boats |
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What retired RN officers who collect directorships (ho ho) in the defence industry could be said to be on.
Next: no pun intended |
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"Nintendo up end" is an ailment supposedly reported sporadically in hospitals along with "sat on hampster (...)" and "it's a light bulb, doctor..."
Except on this occasion it's been reported by a cruciverbalist with a penchant for anagrams. Next: Skidoos |
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Skidoos are the ultimate status symbol to the funky modern day Laplander. When once having the neatest igloo or owning a prime fishing hole would no, todays modern Inuit is judged not only by how smart his Nokia is but by what type of skidoo he has. The best skidoo on the market is made by Aston Martin and contains a drinks cabinet and a built in land to air missile defence system. It currently retails at 399,950 euros. They are not to be confused with Ski Duos which are pots containing half yoghurt and half fruit compote and retail at slightly less.
next: Yoghurt Pots |
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Have many uses as demonstrated on a million children's shows, but by far and away the best is "for holding in yoghurt".
You think they'd know that by now. Next: Simplicity itself |
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'Simplicity Itself' is the new fragrance by Britney Spears. With an aroma that conjures up the heady pong of Britney's rural roots and full of active liposomes and Boswellox, Britney's 'Simplicity Itself' is the ideal perfume for the woman of today who lives a simple, uncomplicated life like the star herself but with a scent of class that evokes a summers evening...hints of vanilla, sandalwood and half eaten pizza and all for the remarkably simple price of 100 per bottle. Available at all good stockists.
next: Old Spice |
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Old Spice has never changed in price since decimalisation.
Next: BJ and the Bear |
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Oral s.e.x is deprecated when camping in areas inhabited by bears, as the pheromones released may attract grizzlies. Also if the missus looks up and sees a bear she may well bite off your todger.
Next: Common sense. |
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Common sense has been proved to be inversely related to intelligence and therefore frequently to beard length. A prime example was Albert Einstein, one of the foremost minds of our age but who was eventually banned from his local accident and emergency department due to the frequency of his visits. Although best known for his many equations he is also the world record holder for having the most 'tea cosy related accidents'
Next: Magnus Pyke |
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The only other contender for the title "the BBC's own Living Viking", Magnus Pyke was a bitter rival of Magnus Magnusson. Well-meaning friends in the business tried to heal the rift by commisioning a program called "The Science of Mastermind" featuring the two presenters, but the palpable tension felt during the recording spilled into violence in the Green Room afterwards. Pyke, arms flailing, went for Magnusson, who floored him with a single jab,then with the immortal words "You've started so I'll finish", booted him hard in the goolies.
The pilot was never aired, and the title is now held by Sandi Toksvig. Next: Sandi Toksvog. |
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Sandi Toksvig was the original choice by Peter Jackson to play Frodo Baggins in the the Lord of the Rings trilogy but contractual commitments to Call My Bluff made her decline the offer.
next: The One Ring |
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ttt
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The One Ring is something you can't take your mind off for long if you have a case of galloping diarrhoea when the fires of hell have invaded and it burns, burns, burns...
Next: Johnny Cash - curry or haemmorrhoid king? |
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*haemorrhoid
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Years ago (please don't ask how many), my mate Tim had a reusable johnny which he would carefully rinse out and hang out on his washing line. It was available to allcomers but a cash payment for rental use was always firmly requested. It was also possible to buy Tim a nice chicken madras instead of the cash payment. Nowadays, there is a different use and a different meaning for your flexible friend...
Next: Flexible friends |
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'Flexible Friends' is the worlds top dating website for followers of yoga. However it has often got into trouble for recommending new 'positions' for its successful couples who have found themselves unable to extricate themselves and have eventually had to phone the fire brigade for assistance.
next: The Kama Sutra |