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There is a book of sexual positions approved by the pope dubbed the RC Kama Sutra
eg position 1 the male lies on his front with the female lying on top of him but facing upwards ; position 2 is the same with the male and female reversed .... there are 22 positions in all. Next: The Elephant |
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The elephant was the only animal that can understand why the bee could fly despite the fact that the laws of aerodynamics apparently says that bees can't fly. This has been since demonstrated by humans, but elephants knew the answer a good 40 years ago.
They merely chose to tell no-one because they were miffed at the continuing decline in the global production of sticky buns. Next: Welsh dressers |
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Welsh Dressers are currently in vogue in Hollywood ever since Catherine Zeta Jones insisted on bringing over her own team of personal assistants to prepare her for gala film premieres. This has resulted in the town of Pontypridd becoming the unofficial fashion capital of Europe with the fashion houses of Milan currently clamouring to open up new branches in its high street.
next: Catwalks |
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Catwalks have been used for many years as a means of displaying the best p ussy around. Catwalk observers can be compared and contrasted with those on beaver patrol.
Next: Beaver patrol |
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Beaver Patrol won the 17:40 race at Epsom yesterday. This was is some way achieved by the presence of his friends Chip and Munk who gnawed away at his starting stall before the off, so he got a 'flyer'.
Next: Foghorn Leghorn |
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Foghorn Leghorn was the inspiration behind the character of Fred Elliott in Coronation Street...' I say, I say, boy!' Other street characters are also based on cartoons...Emily Bishop started off as Velma from Scooby Doo, while Ena Sharples was supposedly based on the owner of Tom in Tom and Jerry
next: Hairnets |
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Hairnets also often catch rabbits by mistake.
Next: **phones. |
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**phones was the left back of the victorious Greece side at Euro 2004.
The full side was as follows: Gissakis Litotes **phones Sorriaboutyorlos Carryotis Dontwatchdatwatchdis Cornishpastis Hoosdabos Mattfrombros Lukefrombros Semitones Next: Dire punning |
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The acknowledged master of dire punning was Countdown supremo Richard Whiteley. A failed stand up comedian Whiteley learnt his trade as a regional newsreader before finding an outlet for his peculiar talents on Channel 4. Other such luminaries as Stan Boardman and Ted Rogers became disciples of the great man in their time
Next: 3-2-1 |
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3-2-1 was the abridged version of 5-4-3-2-1 recorded only by Fred, as Man and Mann quibbled about payment for the song. It was somewhat lacking in rhythm and never reached the charts.
Next: The Lost Chord |
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Jimmy (Schnozzle) Durante recorded a song called "The Guy Who Found the Lost Chord," which recounts an old English legend about an organist who, while practicing one day, hit a particular chord which elevated his consciousness and he experienced what might be called nirvana or a glimpse of heaven -- perhaps a trance of sorts. However, as with all forms of stimulants, such as winning on Betfair, it was short lived. He moved one hand and could not find that special chord again. He spent the rest of his life searching for it and regretting that he hadn't kept his hand still.
Next: Big noses |
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Big noses were considered a sign of sexual prowess in ancient Rome and anyone with a grand sized hooter was immediately awarded a prime position in Roman society. Anyone born without a well endowed olfactory organ would be immediately destined for a lifetime of plebeian society.
Julius Caesar was one of the few to escape this primitive apartheid system.He managed to coax a friend into making a false nose out of wax that so impressed members of the senate that the writer Herodotus commented that ' I have never seen one so greatly blessed since I saw a toucan on my cup of Guinness'. It immedaitely elevated his position to the ultimate in Rome. However during a hot day in the forum (similar to chit chat in its day) during March, the wax melted, much to the consternation of fellow patricians who set upon their tiny nosed leader with their knives next: Toga parties |
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Toga parties are used by dyslexsics of a certain persuasion to indulge secret fantasies and dress up as goats.
Next: Convenient excuses |
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What dyslexic nuns use in confession or mass or whatever it is they do.
Next: Cerberus the three-headed dog |
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Cerberus the three headed dog won best of breed for ten years running at Crufts between 1970-79..mainly due to lack of competition. In 1980 the category was scrapped due to complaints from animal rights activists who suspected that Cerberus was a product of early genetic engineering. He retired from his show work and later became a champion of 'One Man and his Dog' where his barking technique had the sheep transfixed. He is however most famous for his walk on part on the film 'Clash of the Titans'
next: Pedigree Chum |
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Excellent, Rod!
Pedigree Chum was supplied to Chris Amoo for 12 months for winning Supreme Champion with his Afghan Hound in 1987. A strange change of careers, for one who co-wrote and performed 'You To Me Are Everything' - a chart hit in the early 80s. Perhaps he was dreaming about his canine friend, or was the thought of free petfood the height of his desire? Next: The Real Thing |
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The Real Thing were originally called The Thing but due to a copyright action from Marvel Comics the band had to change their name. Two of the bands backing singers, Sue Storm and Victor Doom were forced to leave because of multi million dollar court action threats..instead they went on to become founding members of Brotherhood of Man
next: The Eurovision Song Contest |
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oh bugger...I forgot v-ictor was a word that dares to be spoken
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Due to a clerical error Stoke-on-Trent once competed in the Eurovision Song Contest. Their song, Whole Potter Love was the victim of tactical voting by Longton and Burslem, but still received plaudits from Terry Wogan, who said "I'd like to do the one in the kneesocks, to be sure"
Next: Macedonia |
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"Mace don ia" is the sign outside Stoke-On-Trent cafe's wishing to attract a more select clientele to their gastronomic delights, thinking it may put off the nutmeg brigade.
Next: Rice pudding |
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I used to like rice pudding. Probably still would if it were presented to me. Was thought to be the oldest cultivated plant but now ancient Egyptian fig-cuttings have superceded it. But you will still die in ignorance.
What was this thread about? |
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In an interview with the Daily Record in 1936, Rudyard Kipling (nephew of cake maestro Mister) was asked, "Do you like rice pudding?"
"I really couldn't say," replied the Anglo-Indian baking heir, "I've never rice pudded!" Kipling was later found bludgeoned to death by a family-size tin of Ambrosia. Next: Ambrosia |
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Right, rice pudding. Queen Victoria hated it so much she gave it all to The Druids.
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Ambrosia is 'the food of the gods' and is still banned in parts of Greece where lowly mortals fear they may be changed into animals if they risk eating it. It is believed that Zeus preferred the traditional rice pudding with a sultana and nutmeg twist and exercised his wrath regularly if any of the other gods pinched a tin from his larder. Their predecessors, the Titans were banished from Olympus after being defeated in the legendary Custard Wars.
next: Greek customs |
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Famous Greek customs include drinking ouzo, playing the bouzouki and invading Turkey. Oh and pederasty.
Next: Betfair Exchange Games. |
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Betfair Exchange Games (or BEG) is swingers code for having sex via computer.
e.g. "Go on, BEG you dirty **, you know you want it" Next: BDSM |
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The BDSM or the Blind Drivers School of Motoring is a new concept to help the visually impaired be able to have as much access to the roads of Britain as any other person out there. Early setbacks resulting in 20 mile long tailbacks on the M25 are not expected to last as soon as problems with the specail satellite navigation systems are ironed out. A similar plan to teach guide dogs to drive failed to materialise as they couldnt grasp the idea of using a clutch.
Next: Sleeping Policemen |
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The Met have recently reported an increase of bobbys falling asleep on the job. A spokesman said he thought they needed arrest.
Next: obvious puns |
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Counting sheep or counting naked accountants jumping over five bar gates have always been popular ways of getting to sleep. Counting sleeping policemen will not result in any sleep whatsoever as there are so many of them and it is an endless task.
Next: Sheep |
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Very sorry sheikhman - didn't notice your one...
next: obvious puns |
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Every so often, when I was very young, my cousing Alex would come to visit, usually during the summer. We played together happily enough but occassionally an arguement would break out. These would always be settled in the same way when Alex would shout and wave his arms crying "But I live in a council house!". Being younger than him I had no idea what he was talking about but usually accepted this as the master arguement that by definition ended all other debates. He certainly felt it was. One day after playing a game of O s and Xs he pointed his pencil at me and said he had won because " He lived in a council house ". I said " you have a point".
Next: Playing tennis with frying pans. |
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I once played tennis with frying pans, but they had a very dodgy bounce and kept breaking the racquets.
Next: Rackets |
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The man who sweeps up after each shuttle launch is one Herman Broomhead. He was born in New York in 1952. He says he has always been interested in Rackets.
Next: Space travel |
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If you travel far enough into space, you will travel backwards in time, as mini me is about to demonstrate on 21st March 2005 at 17:14 (page5)
next: page 5 |
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I have landed...B-)
The all weather daily tipping competition richardf 21 Mar 17:43 WEEK ELEVEN, DAY TWO Mini Me on the board again today...............looking almost safe now Mini Me 258 Hong Fong Fooey 219.5 Hoof Hearted 205.33 Twm 199 Balders 196.33 Paris 189.8 Werbie 186 Cgull 185.53 Arsene 185.25 Richardf 181.8 Pierre Le Plonque 157.83 Nif 157.33 Remmittance Man 152.83 Shrimper 151.5 Mr Spade 148.87 Tex_Axile 145.5 Pinstcker 141.33 Motseel 125.13 Look Its Snowing 123 Cj180 122.66 Dubawi 122.33 Bally2711 119.53 Flaming Heck 118 Loafingstone 117.83 The Police! 117.33 Topkipper 116.8 Moscowmills 105.5 I Hate Rkishi 102.5 Bluebook 89 Stewardsenquiry 87.7 Flatcapman 85 King Kerry 84.83 Bosstipper 84 Tourist 82.5 Van Zant 70 Ray5 68 Winwinwin 67 Harper Lee 66.25 Goodpolicy 64.83 Comsblue 64.5 Majtheraj 64.25 Colonel Tufton 59 Value Seeker 58.33 Gizago 53 Razmos 49 Voice Of Reason 43.25 Treetop 43 Yogi 41.33 Temples Gate 40 Royalbus 38 Lickme 37 Formbook 36 Keno 33.83 Helee 32.66 Pro 29.8 Playingcatchup 28 Non Vintage 26.7 Markyboy 24.83 Rick9plus 24.33 Nodollar 21.5 Harley1107 15 Trixst4 15 Craft 10 Thehammer72 9 Rob Goldring 9 Lino 8 Bananaman 7 Ashlaay 6 Youknowwhoiam 3 Porkiepie 2 Topofthehead 1 Lucky Blue 0.33 Berlingtonbertie 0.33 Next: time travel |
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In a bid to** a snook at their rivals, Lunn Poly have been conducting secret experiments into the possibilities of time travel for package tourists recently and it is believed that they will soon be releasing a brochure for next years summer season.
Travellers will board a telephone box and be transported to a range of different historical destinations. Current best sellers are believed to be: Ancient Rome - Toga Parties and Gladiator Experience, a Greek Island Wanderer circa 500 BC (aimed at the 18-30 age hedonistic age group) and Torremolinos Jurassic Caravan Park Packages start at 999 and free child places are available next: Hedonism |