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Lazurus, or in it's Latin form Lacerus, was a man who cut himself shaving so often that he was prone to passing out due to blood loss. Once or twice it was a close run race, but fortunatley Jesus gave him tea and biscuits so he was ok again.
Next: Biscuits. |
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Biscuits are now a common site in the everyday food cupboard but it wasnt always so. It has been recently discovered that the Egyptians valued them greatly and they were considered a delicacy. On the discovery of a new shaft in the Great Pyramid, which at the time was thought to be solely of astrological significance, scientists used a robotic device to discover that it was blocked at one end by a calcified packet of bourbon creams. Further investigation into hieroglyphics has shown that while the ancient priests would crave a dry biscuit such as thie version of a hob nob or rich tea..only Pharaoh was allowed to touch one which had cream filling. The bourbons were thus used as a source of sustenance as he ascended to the afterlife.
A recently unearthed room beside Tutankhamens tomb has unearthed a vast supply of Jammie Dodgers to cement this theory next: The Source of the Nile |
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There are absolutely no biscuits at all at the source of the Nile. They were all washed away many many years ago...
Next: Tsunamis |
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The largest tsunami ever recorded in Britain in modern times took place in Skegness in June,1972. Witnesses reported that holidaymakers ran away in terror leaving their deckchairs and knotted handkerchiefs behind them as waves in excess of 2 feet swamped the beach and washed away many priceless sandcastles
next: Butlins holiday camps |
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Butlins holiday camps were started by the Fat Owl primarily so he could feast on iced buns for the rest of his life without complaint from the rest of the dorm.
Next: The wrong Billy |
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Drink from the wrong billy and you smell of wee all day. This is an improvement for some, though.
Next: Bobby pins |
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After teaming up with Jimmy Needles in the late 80s they became the most successful Searchers tribute band on the North West Circuit and once pulled in a crowd of 47 and 2 whippets in Barrow-in-Furness working mans club Dec 1989.
Next: Strawberry Chewits |
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Died out in the 70s when eaten by dinosaurs. Revived through Jurassic Park-style techniques. Third on the dentist's pension-filler list afterTexan bars and Post Office queue jumpers on Monday morning in Kirkby.
Next: Death wish |
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The esteemed British director Michael Winner is considering a script for "Death Wish VII: An American Vigilante in Harlesden". The 78-year-old veteran actor Charles Bronson will reprise his role from the earlier movies, and is reported to be taking lessons to perfect an upper-class English accent. His weapon of choice to take down the i-Pod mugging teenagers will be a stiff talking-to, pointing out that he didn't fight in two world wars just to see the country overtaken by young hooligans.
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Next: zimmer frames
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Perhaps the most famous user of a zimmer frame, with the possible exception of Thora Hird, was Davros, the leader of the Daleks. Although largely seen in a mobile device similar to what his creations themselves used, the wrinkly baddie used to find it much easier to relax from his evil ways with this traditional aid. He is also believed to have had his own version of the Stannah stair lift. For further info check out the seldom seen 'Doctor Who and the Curse of Arthritis'
next: Time Travel |
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Time travel is only made possible if you can move faster than the speed of light, as all time relates to it.
Therefore, if you can move faster than light, you become invisible. I can type faster than light and can prove it. Read this :- See !! Next - Tall stories. |
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According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
next: russian around |
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'Russian Around' was the original Soviet radio news programme broadcast on the airwaves specifically to impart the goodness of Stalinist ideology on Russia's youth. The presenter, Ivan Skavinsky Skivar caused a diplomatic storm in the 70s when he escaped to the West and found refuge in the UK, changing his name to John Craven
next: The Cod War |
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The first "Cod War" of 1958 was instigated by KGB agents in Reykjavik. They planned to exploit Icelandic resentment towards British visitors who were buying up cheap coastal property as holiday homes. A typographical error in the orders from Moscow resulted in the escalation of the "Cod War" instead of the "Cold War". Ironically, the results far exceeded the original Russian plan to burn a few cottages, and the NATO base at Keflavik was almost closed.
The original plan was later carried out in Wales, and few people know that nuclear war was only averted by last minute behind-the-scenes negotiates between Terry Waite and the Welsh foreign minister in a bunker near Hay-on-Wye. Next: Peace in our time. |
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Having flown half the way round the world in a plane with no toilet facilities, the famous Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain uttered the words:
"We, the German Fhrer and Chancellor, and the British Prime Minister, have had a further meeting today and are agreed in recognizing that the question of Anglo-German relations is of the first importance for our two countries and for Europe. We regard the agreement signed last night and the Anglo-German Naval Agreement as symbolic of the desire of our two peoples never to go to war with one another again. We are resolved that the method of consultation shall be the method adopted to deal with any other questions that may concern our two countries, and we are determined to continue our efforts to remove possible sources of difference, and thus to contribute to assure the peace of Europe." However, he had just been handed a piece of Andrex and was keenly awaiting the services provided at the airport bogs. Difficult questions would have been asked if he had actually told the truth. "I spoke to Hitler, and his view can best be summed up as "come and have a go if you think your hard enough. Personally, I am sh1tting myself, because those Krauts do look very hard indeed." Sweeping aside the journo's Chamberlain did indeed lose a pound and a half within 20 yards of the runway. |
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Next: Duty free
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Duty Free was a classic ITV programme in the 1970's about a couploe who lived next door to their snobby neighbours. The catchphrase of the head of the house was 'I dont beeelieve it'.
Next: Roy Walker |
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Talking of whom, has anyone got the link to the famous catchphrase with the man with the walking stick and snake please?
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This one, luddite?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5272711369581236882&q=Catchphrase Roy Walker's own catchphrase "It's good but it's not right - here's a bit more" was developed on the toilet. Rumour has it so was Jimmy Cricket's (And there's more), Rolf Harris's (can you see what it is yet?) and Pete Beale's ('Allo treacle) Next: World War I pilots |
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Sadly, not as gallant as popularly supposed - they would think nothing of sneaking into each other's airfields at night to wipe bogeys on their rivals' joysticks.
Next: Bogey at six-o'-clock! |
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Can be prevented by a good blow at quarter to.
Next: a stitch in time saves nine |
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it was proven last year,by a hungarian tailor/scientist, that a stitch in time only actually saves 8.75 and not 9 as previously thought. apparently it was rounded up to nine in the late 7th century as many people in them days didnt understand fractions.
next: the wind in the willows |
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Caused by the slips who had "a bit of a evening" the night before on Italian lager, white wine and some sort of curried lamb.
Next: Selkirk's testicle |
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In a pilot edition of the much loved US blockbuster Star Trek, the crew were beamed down to the planet Gonad, they entered a local hostelry, Spock and the Captain had a game of 'round the board' against a couple of locals for cash. Unfortunately Mr.Spock took the meaning of 'nearest the bull' to literally and punctured the left testicle of local welder Dave Plum.
Dave was not happy and demanded financial compensation or a new nut, upon seeing his friend's predicament the captain who was actually born with 3 onions in his sack offered to help. They decided to sell kirk's testicle to Dave at a small price and then they beamed themself out of there before Spock decided to chance his arm at Snooker. Next: Staffordshire Bull Terriers |
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Only in Staffordshire would they try and breed livestock with dogs.
Next: Irish Wolfhounds |
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And I always thought that the Irish wolfed potatoes.
Next Mr Potato Head |
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mr potato head was the only member of 'the garden veg' to hit the big time after the trio split up in 1977. mr celery legs had an unsuccessful solo career, whilst mrs carrot knees died shortly afterwards in a nasty soup accident.
next: tiddlywinks |
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Tiddlywinks has a vocabulary and subculture all its own. For instance, you might overhear at a tournament "I can't pot my nurdled wink, so I'll piddle you free and you can boondock a red. But if Sunshine gromps the double, I'll lunch a blue next time." In English this translates to "My wink is too close to the cup to pot it, so instead, I'll gently shoot you out from under the pile and you can shoot an opponent's red wink off the table. But if Sunshine (a winker) captures two of our winks with only one of his, I'll pot an opponent's blue wink (sometimes a useful strategy) on my next turn."
from the 'Lexicon of Tiddlywinks'...but I'm sure any winkers out there reading this will know all of that...or is it from Rogers Profannisaurus??? NEXT: Obscure cults |
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Are you sure you mean cults? Otherwise, there are plenty on here.
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Many obscure cults exist around the world, such as the society that believes the entire Bible took place in the British Isles and the one that has the initials BABAFC, based in Boscombe and involving many sideburned members. The oddest, however, is the George Formby Paramilitary Society.
The GFPS are quite scary. Not content with threatening to pie-bomb every jukebox manufacturer in the western world for not putting GF's songs on every roster they have, they also maintain that he wrote many songs that did not appear until after his death. One such example is "Sympathy For The Devil" by the Rolling Stones. If played backwards, the words "oooh, mother" can be heard on several occasions and it is believed that Mick and Keith added the "Woo Woo"s in the song (they aren't original, GFPS assert) in homage to George's tracks "Mr Woo's a Window Cleaner Now" and "Mr Wu's an Air Raid Warden Now". Original lyric: "Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name But whats puzzling you is It's turned out nice again" Other tracks they claim are his: "Purple Haze" "My Coo Ca Choo" "Children Of The Revolution" and the entire back catalogue of the Dead Kennedys. Next: "Your clothes are all made by Balmain... and there's diamonds and pearls in your hair" |
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quality stuff Tsogar
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from Peter Sarstedts 'Where Do You to my Lovely'..these lyrics were originally thought to be about a Parisienne socialite but infact betrayed Sarstedts yokel roots...his original song was titled 'Wur do yow gow too moy luvva' but it only became a hit several years later after Peter tinkered with the lyrics after a day trip to Calais to stock up some duty frees.
Next: The English Channel |
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What this forum would rename ITV. Humorously, there would be very little English on it, but an awful lot of grunting.
Next: Johnny Ball |
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Johnny Ball is the head of one of tv historys most notable clans. His children Zoe and Bobby are currently two of the highest paid entertainers on our screens while younger brother Alan, while a successful footballer also brought that wonderful singer Michael into the world. He also trained Carol Vorderman to divide and multiply
next: Ginger Nuts |
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Ginger Nuts as we know them were invented by accident.
A baker in Wesham, Lancashire found his competition in the town fierce. Wesham has a population of 38 but oddly, three bakeries. In an attempt to improve his wares and displays and increase his market share, he decided to saturate his window display with various old sweetmeats and breads alongside recipes he's developed. The idea was of course that his standard trade would try the new stuff in passing and "whatever sticks, I'll keep making". The increase in production involved his "multi-kilning" and a result of this was he couldn't be as stringently vigilant in his two-man operation and missed a batch of gingerbread men and their time to come out. Baked too long, they had gone hard and biscuity. They were broken up and put in the "broken bits" bags that went on the counter. Sold warm, they went like hot cakes (sorry) and "people went nuts for them" he told the Wesham Fictitious Times. Apparently people came from as far away as Kirkham for them, and the queue on the pavement of a morning would be five long. The Headline "Gingerbread biscuit nuts!" appeared. The baker thought "bread" and "biscuits" weren't needed as a product hook, and pared it down to "Ginger Nuts". The baker is no longer with us, but every year in May he is celebrated by the townspeople who overcook ginger products on the second Sunday. His legacy makes his memory extremely unpopular with the fire brigade, and Ginger Nuts are banned from every fire station in Lancashire, Cumbria and North Cheshire because of this. Next: Fallabella ponies |
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(Post script to "Ginger Nuts" - the baker was tried for manslaughter of the overcooked gingerbread men, but his brief conducted a sterling defence along the lines of "they're not real - they're made of ginger and flour and such". He was acquitted 10-2)
Back to "Fallabella ponies" |
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Harringay dog track is sadly no more but it nearly wasnt so...an Argentinian consortium were expected to be last minute saviours as they planned to convert the track for Fallabella Pony racing..however they were thwarted by the Falklands War and complaints by the League Against Cruel Sports. Fallabellas, despite their size are actually zippier than thoroughbreds and it is believed that Sheikh Mohammed is currently planning to buy all stocks of Fallabella mares and to send them to Sadlers Wells in a bid to breed the perfect racehorse.
next: Ballet Dancers |
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Ballet dancers are often to be found pirouetting around AITL' s Supreme Quizzes. They dance in and out, offering much mirth and amusement to all involved. Clarky and Stevie Strikes are exceptional showmen of the art, but are rarely seen in Grand Finals - as they tend to be cancelled, due to unforseen circumstances and the loss of questions.
Next: Did Paul Tadhunter nobble AITL with a steak and ale pie? |