Highlighter pens are an invaluable tool for criminal barristers. When presented with a fat brief, ask your children to run through it with a selction of differently coloured pens, thus giving the impression of careful preparation. Tell your client to plead guilty and bingo, an untroubled weekend.

Next: Presumption.

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Jamie Oliver is not in fact his real name, but as a boy he practised a lot with food ideas in his fathers pub kitchen. He invented the Jammie Olive and had plans to sell them for 7 quid each in one of his restaurants when he grew up and became famous. Unfortunately the idea didnt catch on. His real name is Kerry Dover.

Next....Christening spoons

Christening spoons used to be very popular until christening children really caught on...

next: Things that you can get caught on

Slightly less well known than the Cuban missile crisis is the Cuban heel crisis of 1967, when Lyndon B Johnson was caught wearing a pair of slim ankle boots with unnecessarily chunky soles. LBJ managed to explain away the potentially embarrassing situation by claiming that the offending footwear was a present from Harod Wilson.

Next: sombreros.

** pile carpets were originally invented by Pope Pious the fourth in 1689 on a Sunday afternoon, because he had nothing else to do, and because he thought it was about time another use was found for those nasty plastic garden rakes, because he was fed up with the tines snapping off each time there was even a slight hint of a twig. In fact it is widely considered that he is also responsible for the invention of the fluff found under sofas in houses with wooden floors, but it is generally believed by the modern scientific historical world that this was an accident, and had nothing to do with the general belief of that period being Idle Hands Make Work For The Devil...IHMWFTD for short.

Its true you know.

Next...Wooden Floors

Had serious tax problems, and decided to fake his own death to avoid payment. It only cost him $2000 for a fake identity, but he was disappointed when the new passport arrived in the name of Englebert Humper*****

Next: Passports

Passports or Pas sports is a French abbreviation very similar in meaning to the English expression Not Sporting. Only this is a good thing in France.

Next Abbreviations.

I mean me

This is a naval phrase conveying the general idea that nobodys home.

Next...naval

So is back to

Next... Abbreviations....

Texting is something young do on their phones to friends whilst in the company of other friends

Next....company

if you don't want any company, draw the curtains, turn the tv on, turn the computer on, get into betfair and play with your mouse all day long...

playing with your mouse all day is fine as long as you do not overhandle it and give it enough time to play on its little wheel....



next: Quantum physics

Many years ago I had an Austin 1100, that was powered by three mice running around in a wheel. My friends called it a**el rotary engine, but I am a bit hard of hearing and they may have been describing it as something else.

Next: Engines.

After the company watched sales of their "wonder horse" range of accessories diminish during the early 1900's, Champion wisely diversified into spark plugs.

Next: quidditch.

Garage fever is related to the well known syndrome Ramp fever, especially where the garage is slightly elevated.

Next..Elevation

Sue do Nims
are aa korean dumpling, they are served with rice noodles.

what is not generally known is the koreans eat more Cat than dog, cat is easier to catch for a astart, and not all; koreans have fridges.



Next DaiWoo

This is the official headquarters of all bullies worldwide.

Next word, Dyslexic

next: A Spelling Bee