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LMAO
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LMAO is the actual technical term for the sound of the musical stings that make the "dum diddy dum" bits in the Bonanza theme.
Next: Silly Point. |
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There SHOULD be a musical about Sting. Ben Elton could write it. He could try and seduce a prostitute/schoolgril called Roxanne whilst walking on the moon. The lack of atmosphere could make every breath he takes a bit difficult, but that's a silly point.
Next:Ghost in the Machine |
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"It's not your normal ghost, you see - it's a roving poltergeist and as such, it's going to cost you"
Next: Understimation |
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People frequently underestimate how many letters there are in underestimation.
Next: Pedants. |
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People often overpstimate the number of letters in "pants"...
Next: Riposte |
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People often overpstimate the number of letters in "ripe"...
Next: Scorchio |
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Scorchio the celebrated Brazilian Striker from the mid 1970's suffers the dubious honour of being the first ever player to be booked for having a terrible haircut. Jason Lee was the first player to be sent off for the same offence.
Next: Pineapples |
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Pineapples are an amazing fruit....good to eat and a defence system around your garden......
next: hydroponics.... |
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The Hydrophonics are a Minnesota based**ney band. They try not to drop their aitches but never totally succeed. Their music is carp, and they have taken to gardening instead.
Next : Victoria Falls |
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Dennis Potter TV drama starting this Saturday at 9.00pm on BBC2, charting 3 years in the life of a binge-drinking student. Victoria falls, and then she gets up again, then she falls, then throws up, then shouts abuse at a passer by, then gets up again, then goes to university, then falls again, etc., etc.. Part two, next week at the same time, is much the same as part 1, as are the other 4 parts which follow. Without wishing to spoil the ending for you, I can reveal that she gets a 2.2 degree in Politics & Economics, and is finally seen in the queue at the jobcentre.
Next: The University Of Real Life. |
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A fictitious place only available to those who don't go to a university in real life. Such people claim it is a means to acquire common sense, arguing some university students are so stupid they would jump off a bridge if they mates told them to. Pure fantasy.
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Next: wheelchairs
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'Wheelchairs - After Hours' was a short lived cartoon series made by BBC Birmingham in 1983. It began like this:
'Birmingham is city deep in the heart of England. And deep in the heart of Birmingham is a hospital called the Queen Elizabeth. And deep in the heart of this hospital is a room where the wheelchairs live!' My favourite character was Saggy, a cantankerous elderly wheelchair who rarely got used any more but had once been sat on by the Queen Mum, and loved to tell people about it. One of the most touching tv moments I can remember is when the Queen Mum went back to the hospital to have her teeth condemned and specifically asked for Saggy. Not a dry eye in the house. Next: gin |
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"Gin" - nick name given by Lancashire County Cricket Club dressing room to the Indian batsman "Ganguly" when he joined the team. "Arrogant f*cker", his nick-name by the time he left.
Next - slips |
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"Slips" is where you field when you
(i) have a waistline that should be your batting average (ii) know the skipper (iii) are the skipper Next: Eavesdropping |
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Evesdroppings.
Its the stuff that falls out of the back end of Stralings when they illegally squat in the eaves of your house. Next + = The flight path of the Common Camel |
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The result of employing cowboy roofers.
Next: Loft Conversions |
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Drat. Beaten a short head. Story of my life.
Next + = The flight path of the Common Camel |
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Neither of the two posts above managed to be the 900th.
Next: Brave New World |
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Brave New World is the kind of world i would like to live in. In fact i would like to live in any world, new or old, brave or not, that that fat ugly useless waste of free air that is called jonny two jags (by some of the kinder members of the free press) doesn't occupy!
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Next : Amazing Fact Chain Letters!
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Amazing Fact chain letters are the lifeblood of every civilised society...enabling even the weak witted to have their turn at enriching everyone with their highly polished thoughts and pronouncements......
next: Homicidal tendencies among various chit-chatters |
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are you talking to me?
there is no empirical evidence of any chit chatter being driven to commit homicide even if they do like a nice Chianti while they are typing next: flower arranging |
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Graded grains make finer flowers, but for arrangements the self raising variety are much better as they never wilt. Plain flowers should only be used on solemn occasions.
Next: Bakers |
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Do you have Mr Warburton, the Baker?
Next: Happy Families |
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In the latest version of the game, released last year, contains a new family, headed my Mr Chance, the full-time gambler.
Next: Nuclear families |
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Nuclear families are very common in the Chernobyl area and generally have 2.4 children...quite literally
next: Suzi Quatro |
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The Suzi Quattro is the latest version of the Audi Quattro, complete with a full leather exterior...
next: Polo |
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Polo Polo Polo will be a candidate sport at the 2012 Olympics. Players will drive around a 1-square-kilometre tarmac playing surface in Volkswagen hatchbacks, and attempt to throw peppermints into a rubbish bin through the passenger window, while travelling at speed.
Next: Rowntree's |
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Rowntree's are trees in the South West that are circular. Eslewhere, we call them bushes.
Next: Father and son |
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Father and son presidents Bush would have been interested in the previous post given its number. Or maybe not
Next: Forbes Phillipson-Masters |
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Forbes Phillipson-Masters has had a fall out with Greenpeace and other eco-warrior type people.
It was noted that to include his name on the footie programmes each week, with computer calcualtion, it would necessitate chopping down 21% of the Amazon Rainforest each decade to gain enough paper. He will be sacked if he doesn't take a different course of action. Next : deed polls. |
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You can change your name by deed poll. I am considering this but, at the moment, I do not know what my new name will be, so the whole process is taking rather a long time...
next: killer bees |
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Killer Bees don't kill by their sting. They merely use excellent put-down lines which cause their prey to spontaneously dissolve into a pool of shame, ridicule and amino acids.
Next: Salma Hayek |
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Salma Hayek is a stunning looking Mexican actress with only one flaw. She is dyslexic. In a cross match of 3 of the 4 languages she speaks, Spanish, Portugese and Arabic combined, her name means ' Horse Face'.
Next : Bare faced lies. |
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Although they used to be the domain of politicians, bare faced lies are now commonplace in society and some have perfected them to an art form. Principal exponents are reality tv hosts ('this vote is so close'), actors ('I just loved the script') and even some bookmakers ('we lost over a million pounds when it snowed at Christmas')
It is even now possible to study for a degree in 'bare faced lying and deception' at several UK universities and a pass with full honours is almost certain to lead to a high profile career next: Pepperoni |
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a spicy Italian sausage, best known for being used as a pizza topping......
next: Jet fighters |
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Jet Fighters - The world renowned 17th century chinese pacifist's most famous and often repeated quote is
'Ooh, ow, ouch, stop it - that bleeding smarts that does. Leave it out will ya?' Next: The River Thames |
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The River Thames was immortalised by Bruce Springsteen in his song 'The River' charting his early days as a youth in the Isle of Dogs. Although in the song he says he 'went down to the river to dive' he later admitted that he did this only once and was covered in effluent so never went near it again...he later emigrated to the US where his career flourished but was definitely not 'born in the USA' as many would believe
next: Bill and Ted |