We want to share an important update with our Betfair Community users.
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The Gas Board are a body of people who meet every Tuesday to break wind in an amusing fashion because of their Monday diet of solely hash browns from a well know chain of "restaurants".
Next: Misrepresentation. |
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Regular late arrival at the Lawyers Ball. Please welcome Mr & Mrs Representation, and their daughter, Miss Representation.
Next: Finger Buffets |
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Finger Buffets are popular in Polynesian cannibal circles. It's just difficult after a few such parties to pass the dish around. The absence of digits makes it difficult to grip the salver and when one is dropped, it is traditional to say "butterfingers".
Especially if that's what was on the plate at the time. Next: Finidi George |
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Finidi George has been fined after being caught speeding down the A14 at 90 mph. He was fined 750 with 35 worth of costs, he also received four penalty points on his license.
Next : Forum addiction |
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Forum addiction is a descripton used for people who post more than one post at a time. Like Marianne and a Mars bar, it's just an uncomfirmed rumour.
Next : Repetitive posting syndrome |
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Repetitive posting syndrome is the term used when a forum addict can't think of the next subject, but has to post something anyway.
Next : Triple consecutive posts |
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Triple consecutive posts are invariably broken up just to ruin the punchline
Next: A man walks into a bar. |
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.....and says "Ouch!". It was an iron bar.
Next: Bottle, glass. Glass, bottle. |
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"Bottle, Glass, Glass, Bottle" was the shout of the Carlisle manager a couple of seasons back when they were drawing in the last minute of injury time, last game of the season, needing to score to stay in the football league, and saying to his keeper "get up front for this corner".
The rest is urban myth. Next: The Verve |
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Lead singer of The Verve, Richard Ashcroft is the son of Passage to India star, Dame Peggy Ashcroft. She encouraged him to pursue his music from an early age and as a thank you he gave her a part in his video of Bitter Sweet Symphony, knocking her flying into a fruit barrow towards the end of the shoot
next: Lemon curd |
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from the Iraq / chinese border these are feisty little so an so s.
the curds are unloved wherever they go, except on wholemeal brown bread. next , doner kebab sauce ! |
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Responsible for 7.3% of all NHS spending. If this sauce was banned it is generally accepted that the funds released would enable cures to be found for both cancer and the common cold within 3 years.
Next: Emergency Ward 10. |
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By the time the tenth instalment was released in 1977, it is generally acknowledged that the Emergency Ward series had lost its cutting edge.
Next: Bloc Party. |
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"Bloc Party" was a K-Tel album of the 70s which offered inspirational speeches to brighten up your social gatherings. K-Tel don't sell records any more.
Next: Track and Field |
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Not may people know that Track and Field was the forerunner of Spick and Span*
which went suburban following compaints from local farmers about harassment of their farmhands. Next : hampsters.( If this has already been done , then Hampstead.) * Ask CACk |
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A Hampstead is a Hampster's Homestead
Next: Mistresses |
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when it comes to mistresses few can match the exploits of Georges Simenon who claimed to have bedded 10000 women during his life which roughly equates to one a day for 28 years...he is someway clear of the current British record holder, former MP, David Mellor
next: telekinesis |
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telekinesis the ability to move objects by power of though alone.....particularly useful if moving house.......
next: swimming with sharks... |
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Swimming with Sharks is the little known sequel to Dancing with Wolves.
Starring Eric Roberts, Lou Diamond Phillips, Don Swayze and Andy Crane, it told the story of a Londoner who is sent to conquer the fishing folk of North Yorkshire, but is seduced by their natural lifestyle. Next: Yorkshire |
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In Yorkshire it is the law for women to drink from half pint glasses, Whippets must be walked whilst wearing a flat cap and all sentences must begin with the words - 'Eee by gum'. Failure to do so results in pigeon confiscation.
Next: Tennis |
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Sean Connerys agent phoned him.
' Sean I've got you a part in a film. Can you get to Pinewood Studios for tennish tomorrow. ' ' Tennish. I haven't even got a racket.' Next -: hearing problems. |
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Whippets don't wear flat caps.
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Hearing problems are cited by people who cant be bothered to listen to what someone has to say - Whats that mate? - sorry cant hear you! - nevermind!
Next: The Racing Post |
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The Racing Post is the tune I sing when burning betting slips that failed to achieve returns.
Next: Sandi Toksvig |
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during a recent edition of Call My Bluff, Sandi Toksvig tried to explain herself as an amusing comedienne of little stature who the public loved...the opposing team didnt believe it and got full points
next: Bernard Matthews |
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The 1953 FA Cup Final was known as the (Stanley) Matthews Cup Final. Oddly, this was mirrored elsewhere in the world.
In Turkey. Pah rum pum pum. Next: Chester Cup |
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Chester Barnes will be playing 'Chesty' Morgan in the final of the Chester Cup this year as Kevin Darley cannot do the weight. The sport to be played in the final has yet to be decided.
Next: The Highland Fling |
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The Highland Fling is quite a modern dance and despite its name its not truly Scottish...it was first performed by Pans People on Top of the Pops in 1972 to accompany the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards' version of Amazing Grace.
next:Finbar Saunders |
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My wife once asked finbar saunders for a double entendre.
Next: Punchlines. |
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He gave her one.
Next: Tap-ins |
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Mike Tappin was an American Studies tutor of mine at university. He always made coffee for himself but never gave us any. He is now a labour councillor
Bernie Taupin wrote songs for Elton John to murder. Next: Gay pop stars. |
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Most of 'em can't sing for buggery.
Next: Cheggers Plays Pop |
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lol Stevie.
Nothing else to contribute, sorry. We're in the final! |
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Cheggers 1 (Luis Garcia 4') Pop 0 - Agg: 1-0
Next: Jane Wyman |
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Jane Wyman was Bill's great-Aunt. He hated her visiting when he was a little boy as she always made him give her a kiss and he moustache tickled.
( Or was that my aunt?) ( I've been reading these for too long now.) |
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Next : Under arm hair on german women
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German men usually plat the under arm hair of their wives as a means of reducing stress.
Next: The Da Vinci Code |
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Upon closer examination of the Last Supper, it turns out the Saint Peter was really Cliff Richard in his younger days.
Next: wafers |
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wafers were very popular in the halcyon days of ice cream when the only flavours avaialble were vanilla, strawberry, chocolate...and if you were very well off...neapolitan. There were an attempt by ice cream companies to entice consumers to make sandwiches out of ice cream but unless you were highly skilled proved impossible to eat without dropping the contents everywhere. Their popularity began to wane once rum and raisin hit the shelves and by the time that Chunky Monkey was introduced, wafers had become extinct.
next: The R101 |
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'Hello Cartwrights'
'Hello, do you have a Hornby R101 signal box.?' 'wait a minute son I'll just have a look.............................yeah I've got one left' 'great, THEY'VE GOT ONE LEFT DAD' 'Tell him to shove it up his arse lad, we don't do model railways anymore, we're getting a fkin PS2 and no mistake'. NEXT: Bonanza |