“What part of Queensland you from, mate?”

“Will you be doing ‘Down Under’ this tour?”

“Why does your PA system smell of stir-fry?”

Just some of the journalists’ questions that frequently baffled (thanks to sticky-typewriter-key syndrome, leading to some misprinted posters and ads) the group of touring professional chefs from China, known as Men at Wok in the 1980s.


Next: There’s a small boat made of China

Home & Away, its all the same to Donny Rovers.
We Lose.

Next: Injury Time goals

Injury time goals are all the more painful when they involve breakages to parts of the body.

Next: Parts of the body

In an effort to remain at the top of her 'profession', Ageing Aussie supermodel Elle McPheasant, has had a facelift, tummy tuck, brow lift, breast enhancement and many and varied other cosmetic procedures.

A photo of the new and improved McPheasant adorns the front page of today's 'Sydney Examiner' with the headline. 'Parts of "The Body" on the move.'

Next: On the Catwalk

thought I'd post it 3 times, having been away for so long....

Milan has two football teams, AC Milan and DC Milan. Both teams were founded by electricians at the local power station in 1904.

Next: Pylons

A few years ago there was a huge explosion at the After Eight factory in Castleford which blew thousands of After Eight mints several hundred feet up in the air. A whole load of them landed on a nearby electricity pylon, melting all over it amidst a myriad of electrical flashes. This burnt-out a number of circuit boards at the power station, blacking out the whole of Castleford.

The headline in the Castleford Express read "Minty Pylons Frying Circuits"

Next: Mint Magnum

Hi Moody, boggle. Hope you two are well and making an absolute fortune on here.
I finally got a computer at the new gaff. The new(ish) Mrs C, her name is Andrea by the way, she's a lovely woman, a saint in fact.
She was dead against me getting a computer, so my prolonged absence was St Andrea's Fault.

Next: She's the boss

Ambrosia Creamed Rice is really nice and creamy whereas Amnesia Creamed Rice is so poor it''s instantly forgettable.

Next: Apple Crumble and Custard.

There are all different kinds of dictionaries these days. Some of the latest alphabetical offerings are:

Dictionary of Cats by Kenny Man.
Dictionary of Jokes by Bigmo.
Dictionary of Quiz Questions by Mr Nibbs.
Dictionary of Technological Innovations by Thomas Toes.
Dictionary of Amazing Facts by Sparkmaster.
Dictionary of Witty Second Posts by Kenneth Masters.
Dictionary of Smiley Faces by S.D.K Jordan (deceased)
Dictionary of Flatulence by Erse

and many more too obscure and boring to mention.

Next: It's only words

Channel 5 Presents a new series for Monday nights: Britain’s Unsolved Victorian Murders. First episode - I Wandered Loony as a Cloud…

The Lake murders of the 1840s were never solved but one clue remains to this day to point to the murderer. The final victim, Ethel Stitch, is believed to have been writing at her desk to her sister in Gosport at the time of her death. She was stabbed at least twelve times - her letter stops abruptly mid-sentence.

She knew the poet William Wordsworth, counted him as a friend in fact. It is conceivable that on that fateful day as she sat writing, he, with his mind full of madness and rage having spied not a single daffodil - let alone a host - entered her cottage intent on murder. She, scribbling away, perhaps turned and seeing the familiar face of the poet approaching her, turned back to carry on writing. This might explain why her letter ends …and black-leaded the grate. Oh wait a minute, I hear someone’s coming in the house - oh it’s ok, it’s only Words…

Next: New York Miming Disaster

One of the most infamous wastes of human life happened because of a form of chinese whispers.

45 minutes before dawn on 1st July 1916 General Sir Henry Rawlinson received confirmation from General Haig that the Somme Offensive was to proceed.  Rawlinson had previously arranged to relay his orders (for attacking troops to be brought forward from the support trenches) by a series of runners, in case the phone lines had been compromised.

Unfortunately, by the time Rawlinson's original message reached the dispatch points, it had become somewhat garbled; so that order "Send reinforcements, I'm going to advance", was given as "Send three-and-fourpence, I'm going to a dance".

The rest, as they say, is history.

Next: The Angel of Death.

A new version of Monopoly has been developed by Waddington's.

Named "Kinky Horror Monopoly" it's a bit of a swizz really as it's just the same as the old game, but they've made the street names a bit scary or risque.

Here's a few examples:

The Electric Co becomes The Electric Chair Co with a picture of a bloke frying on it.
Bond St becomes Bondage St with a picture of a gagged lady tied to a chair on it.
St Pancreas has a picture of a pancreas being ripped out of an unsuspecting rail user.
The Angel Islington is changed the The Angel of Death, with the Grim Reaper brandishing his scythe.

Sales aren't going well.

Next: King's Cross

Next: Ladyboys

It’s not often that you hear that King’s Cross ladyboys are to sue Barker’s knickers, but that’s what happened when Ronnie B ignored Ronnie C’s advice not to branch out into the underwear business some years ago. Apparently the garments Barker made were so tight that the ladyboys caught their oops boom ya ta ta taas in their oh my deary what a palavers.

In a packed court Barker’s lawyer said he wished to call a witness in high heels and frilly knickers that could shed light on the case. But the judge told him he must wear a wig and gown like usual when questioning the witnesses.

Next: Your nuts, my lord

ttt

There are two Coalminer's Daughter Jokes listed at the Library of One-Liners (LOL):

1) "She was only a coalminer's daughter, but she liked a big shaft".

2) "She was only a Coalminer's daughter, but she had a mine of her own".

Because the jokes use different styles of humour (double entendre vs punning), it has so far proved impossible to provide a setting where a true comparison can be made.

Therefore neither joke has yet been assigned a handicap rating.

Standard procedure in these cases is to find a third joke on a similar subject via which some sort of collatoral form assessment can deduced.  Consideration was given to Loretta Lynn's song "The Coalminer's Daughter", due to it's preposterous lyrics (e.g. "My daddy worked all night in the Van Leer coal mine And all day long in the field a' hoeing corn") - clearly an impossible task.  However, the entry was disallowed because - as LOL's president stated - "It's hardly a bleedin' one-liner is it?"

LOL is currently trying to persuade Latvia to join their ranks, as it is supposed that the nation could provide enough jokes to solve most of LOL's handicapping issues.  However, Latvia currently registerd its one-liners with a rival organisation, ROFL (Register Of Funny Lines).

In the meantime, Latvian jokes are smuggled out to LOL by a network of secret agents; LOL is currently recruiting from from amoung the ranks of MI6, The Salvation Army and Chit Chat.

next: THE DEFINITIVE LATVIAN COALMINER'S DAUGHTER JOKE

Lost in Translation is all my World Championship Quiz answers in Nibbsy's gaff.

Next: How many balloons are there in a pudding?

After writing The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe,The Chronicles of Narnia for the kids, C.S.Lewis decided to write something for the grown ups.

Published in 1956 The Chronicles of Nina is filled with the exploits of Nina from her trapeze on top of her wardrobe.

Banned in 1960 along with Lady Chatterley's lover it's still available from under the counter in back street 'bookshops.'

Next: Sons and Lovers

Sure is moody, but I see it's not my turn so...