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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A guy meets a blond woman on the elevator and asks where she's heading
"I'm going to the blood bank," she answers, "they give me $10 to donate blood." The guy shakes his head and says, "they gave me $100 last week for my donation at the sperm bank." The woman angrily storms away. The next day the two meet up in the elevator again. "Where are you going?" he asks her The woman mumbles with her mouth full "sperm bank." |
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One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."
She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."  |
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A horse and hen are in the field together when the horse falls into a sinkhole and cries for help. The hen runs to the farmer to get help but the farmer isn't home. So in a panic he grabs the keys to the farmer's BMW along with a rope. He ties one end to the BMW, hands the horse the other and drives the BMW pulling the horse to safety.
A bit later the hen falls into the sinkhole and cries for help. The horse is about to get into the BMW but then decides his privates could be good enough. He puts his legs on either side of the sinkhole and tells the hen to pull on his shlong. The hen does so and when the horse walks away he pulls the hen to safety. And the moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. |
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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 but as long as it was a mussel .. and not a cockel  |
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If we are not supposed to have midnight snacks...why do fridges have lights
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”
Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!” |
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A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him: "One more complaint and I'll cut your pen!s off with my pen-knife".
About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's d!ck off, and throws it out the window. Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three: husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the pen!s), quickly turns on the windshield wipers. The observant daughter asks: "Daddy, what was that?" Her father, still in a panic, says, "Oh it was only a... uh... butterfly". "Must've been a big butterfly," replied the daughter... "Did you see the size of it's d!ck!"  |
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A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey - come over here, buddy." The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"
The horse replies, "Sure was, man. I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself, "Boy, a talking horse." Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, "Hey, man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field." The farmer replies, "Son, you can't believe anything that horse says - he's never even been to Kentucky." |
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Seeing as Roy's not around.
 I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*cks off. |
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You haven't laughed that much since you told the lumpy fart joke for the 100th time
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Thats STS's joke ffs
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An old lady was in the common room of an old folks home when she passed a sad looking little old man. "What's wrong Neville?" she asked. "Doris, I miss sex! All I ever think about is sex! sex! sex! sex!" exclaimed Neville.
"Don't be silly Neville, you're too old to have sex!" "Doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I'd give my left nut if I could get someone to just hold it a little each day!" "Well, I can do that for you Neville" said Doris as she promptly sat next to him and fished out his wrinkled old member. Every morning Doris would come over, sit next to Neville and chat about the day, all the while holding on to his c**k. This carried on for several weeks, but one morning Doris arrived at their chair only to find Neville sitting next to another woman. A woman who was holding his c**k. Doris was outraged. She screamed "Neville Bartlett, you bastard! What has she got that I haven't got?" Neville squints at Doris and says "Parkinson's" |
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Its WW2 Aussie soldiers in the trenches on one side and German soldiers on the other with not much shooting going on, when corporal Smith (Smithy to his mates) asks corporal Jones (JONESY to his mates) whats a common German surname? To which Jonesy replies Schultz, with that Smithy sings out at the top of his voice, hey SCHULTZY, with that about 7 or Germans stand up and answer, Smithy immediately rises shoots one of them and squats down again, 15 mins later Smithy again sings out SCHULTZY, again a handful of Germans stand up and answer, Smithy again promptly shoots one, this goes on 4 or 5 more times, with that Corporal Schultz (Schultzy to his mates) asks corporal Schwartz (Schwartzy to his mates) whats a common Australian surname, Schwartzy says Schmidt, with that Schultzy sings out at the top of his voice hey SCHMIDTY, on hearing that, Smithy sings out, is that you SCHULTZY? to which Schultzy stands up and answers yes, you can guess the rest.
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Where's the lumpy fart come into it
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Alex Leapai KO's Wladimir Klitschko in first round
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I can assure you he has the power but I'd expect he will chop away at the body for a couple of rounds
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Doctor told me today i am colour blind.This came right out of the orange.
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good try chante
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.
Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, 'Sure lady.' They no sooner get out of the store when she again leans over and whispers, 'You know, I have an itchy ****.' To which he responds, 'You'll have to point it out lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!!' |
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter,
do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: " I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." |
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The speed at which a woman says "Nothing", when asked "What's wrong?", is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.
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Great work Chanteclare
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each: Port Left Starboard Right |
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One day Little Johnny came home from school, and said to his mother, "Mum, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Little Johnny's mum exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" Little Johnny replied, "My homework." |
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Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box." |
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If there really was a glass ceiling in the workplace,
I'm pretty sure we'd let all the women work above us. |
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One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000. The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too. |
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A pizza was waiting in bulldogman1's stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought : "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped the whiskey : "What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on! bulldogman1 backed Smokin' Joey today and he's banging it on with hookers. It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied. And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"
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Did you know that if you took all the arteries and veins from your body and laid them down, end to end, you'd be dead..?
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The teacher asked Little Johnny, "Why is your cat at school today Johnny?"
Johnny replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mummy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Johnny leaves for school today!'"  |
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."  |
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An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change." BUP-BOR  |
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A symphony orchestra is performing Beethoven's 9th in the park. It's so windy that the music sheets need to be tied down so they won't blow away.
The tuba players just did their first bit, and they won't need to perform for a while, so they go to the bar across the street to get some drinks. Finally they hear that their next part coming soon, so they go back across the street. But they're so drunk, they can't untie the music! So the conductor looks over, and sees the tuba players, stumbling over each other trying to untie the music. He freaks out and thinks, "Oh no! It's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and the score is tied!"  |
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An Italian was having dinner in an Indian restaurant and told the waiter that he didn't want too much spice so he showed him to a cramped table in the corner.
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A married couple are on holiday in Wales, and they stop for lunch at the famous town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
The husband calls over the waitress and asks, "I was wondering if you could settle an argument, how exactly do you pronounce this place?" The waitress looks at him and says, "KayEffSee" |