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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs." The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?" "Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?" |
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Entering a bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I am so p!ssed off!"
"Really?" What happened?" the bartender asked. "Well, I met this gorgeous woman and she invited me back to her place. We stripped off our clothes, jumped into bed and just as we're about to make love her damn husband came in the front door. So, I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" the man explained. "Gee, that really is tough!" replied the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me angry," continued the man. "When her husband entered the room, he said, 'Great! You're already naked! Let me just take a leak'. Damned if the lazy bugger doesn't go and p!ss out the window right onto my head!" "Yuck! No wonder you're in a lousy mood," said the bartender. "Yeah, but I still haven't told you what really, really got to me," the man went on. "Then I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his cond0m out the window. Where does it land? You got it! Right on my damn forehead!" "Wow, that really is a drag!" commented the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished yet. What really p!ssed me off is when the husband had to take a dump. It seems their toilet is broken so he stuck his @ss out the window and let loose right on my head!" exclaimed the man. "That would really mess up my day," the bartender replied. "No kidding," the man rattled on. "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY p!ssed me off? When I finally looked down I realized that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"   |
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In Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes 4. Pope Died In Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married (again) 2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe(again) 3. Australia lost the Ashes (again) 4. Pope Died (again) Moral of the story - In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry.... Please warn the Pope |
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Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the
weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept. The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept. The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."  |
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You know you're a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
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Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow. |
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A snail, a slug and a centipede were spending a day together at the snail's house. It was decided that one of them should go out and get some drinks.
The snail said, "I can't go, it will take me all night." The slug said, "I could go, but if it rains, I haven't got anything to protect me." With this, they both look at the centipede. The centipede said, "Okay, okay, I'll go," and he walked out the door. An hour passed and the centipede wasn't back yet. Another hour and still no sign of him. When another hour passed, the snail and the slug began to worry about the centipede and decided to go look for him. When they opened the front door, they saw the centipede. They asked, "What are you doing?" The centipede said, "I'm still putting my shoes on." |
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Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other." No they're this dirty."
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of
Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are definitely Russian!" |
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A man and a little boy go into the hairdresser's.
The man has his hair done and then sits the little lad in the chair. "Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying. Two hours later, the boy's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your dad's forgotten you". The little fella says, "He's not me dad, we just met outside and he asked me if I wanted a free haircut".  |
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A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices and asks the priest if he'd like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest answers no. He baits the hook and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, look at that big sonofabitch!" Priest: "Uh, sir, can you please mind your language?" Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry, Father, but that's what the fish is called: - a sonofabitch." Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry, I did not know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and stops the Bishop. Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God." Priest: "No, you don't understand! That's what the fish is called and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!" Bishop: "Hmmm, you know I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and takes it to the head mother. Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?" Head Mother: "My lord, what langauge!" Bishop: "No, Sister, that's what this fish is called, a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we want you to cook it." Head Mother: "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight." That night the Pope stops by for dinner. He thinks the fish is great and asks where they got it. Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch." Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch." Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch." The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, leans back in his chair, puts his feet up on thetable and says, "You know, you f@ckers are alright!" |
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There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"  |
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Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Vegas.
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his "date." His depression is enhanced by the fact that from the next room he hears cries of "ONE, TWO, THREE... HUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "how did it go?" The first whispered back, "it was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!" |
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Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin' ?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real b!tch this time." |
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A man called into a local radio station and told the' morning guys' that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him,' How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?' Reply:' Until my girlfriend dies.' |
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LOL, the last 2 roy.................kepin coming
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In Heaven:
The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. |
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How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way. |
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A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave 50c to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave another homeless person 50c." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his buck and tell him to go to Hell." |
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A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down!" The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back... "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!  |
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If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings dark babies........What brings no babies.?
A SWALLOW. |
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 [:sad: |
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A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself. It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back home. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air... throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death! Turns out it wasn't that elephant. |
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken."You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager."Never better."The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?""Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."  |
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“Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband.
“Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us.” Replied his wife. |
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A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
His wife replies, "You've got a bigger d!ck than your brother." |
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I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy"
I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself. |
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I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
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You know your a redneck when your last words are "Hold my beer, watch this".
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They said I had type A blood, but it was a type O
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A dwarf psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."
***groan*** |
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I'm reading a book on anti gravity, I just can't put it down
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A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked. "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home." |
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a wizard walks into a gay bar and then leaves with a p oof
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Does a dolphin ever do something by accident? No, they do everything on porpoise!
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On average, Australian couples have sex two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sex only one to three times a month.
This is news as I had no idea I was Japanese.  |
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A young Jewish girl comes home and tells her mother they're getting a divorce. The mother is absolutely shocked and yells at her:
"Why would you want to divorce Hershel? He's handsome, he's rich, he's Jewish!" The daughter replies "this is embarrassing but Hershel will only have anal sex. He won't even consider conventional sex. When we first got married my a*shole was the size of a 5 cent coin and now it's the size of a 20 cent coin." The mother looks at the daughter with utter disgust and yells "So for 15 cents you're going to cause trouble???" |
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A guy is at a job interview and the interviewer asks what he thinks his biggest fault is.
"I think it has to be the fact that I'm always honest." The interviewer says "I don't think being honest is a fault." The guy replies "I don't give a f*ck what you think." |