A doctor calls his patient and says; the cheque you gave me as payment for my last bill came back.

The patient replied: So did my syphi!is!

Mr. and Mrs. Crow had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's anniversary holiday in Bali.
"I wish we'd brought the coffee table with us," said earlycrow. "What on earth for?" asked Mrs Crow.

"I've left the tickets on it."

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Gold Coast sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride up here in some guy's moustache and he came here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Qantas stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"

I can't help but admire the irony.

Every time I try to post an MH370 joke it disappears.

Does this qualify as a joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gT9A7Q7O_8k

ffs

and

ffs

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Roy that last one has all family laughing

A local business was looking for office help and put up a sign saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him and said, "Meow."

“Have you got any kittens going cheap?” Asked a customer in a pet shop.

“No, sir,” replied the owner. “All our kittens go “Meow.”

Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, pretty, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said,' Mr. Smith, do you know your barracks door is open?'

He didn't immediately understand her remark but later on he glanced down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. He called her in and asked,' By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did notice the soldier standing at attention?'

' Why, no Mr. Smith,' she replied sweetly,' all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.'

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual) "I have a headache"...
"Perfect" he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d!ck with aspirin. You can either take it orally or as a suppository - it's up to you!"

A man phoned his boss "I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes".
"What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss.
"Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today".

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the cinema a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 25 kgs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 25 minutes