A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1," and his wife took off all here clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed.
"Bell3," and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4."
"What's this Bell 4?" asked her husband.
"More hose," she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

I walked into the Chinese restaurant with the missus "Hello, I've a table booked under the name of 54boy" I told the waiter.

"Sorry sir, no booking under name of 54boy" the waiter said. "We fully booked now".

"I believe there's been some sort of mistake" I protested "I booked this table at least a month ago"

It was then I realised we were in the Wong Foo King Restaurant.

i won't ask who's picture ... was hanging on the wall at the gyneacologist 

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

for wifi
for the last one

I went to this swingers party in St. Albans and tossed my keys into a bowl. I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big t!tted sultry blonde picked them out.

Never saw my BMW again.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on a plane when the the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny.
"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

A teacher decides to have Career Day in her class. She asks each student to tell the class what their father's job is, spell it, and then explain what they do.
Mary stands up and says, "My father is a policeman. P-O-L-I-C-E-M-A-N. He puts bad people in jail and keeps us all safe."
Sue stands up next and says, "My father is a doctor. D-O-C-T-O-R. He helps sick people get better."
Bobby is next. He stands up and says, "My father is a pharmacist. F...F-R..."
The teacher tells Bobby to sit down and try to figure it out and moves on to the next kid.
Little Johnny stands up next and says, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. He'd give you 10-1 odds that Bobby is never going to spell 'pharmacist.'"

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

I do ten sit ups every morning.
It might not sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Has anyone checked with The Kardashian's gynaecologist to see if he's seen that missing plane ?

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A husband had to leave town on a business trip, his wife was the flirtatious type so he went to an adult toy store and talked to the old man behind the counter. The old man said well I really shouldn't show you this but ok....he bought out this box with all these strange looking symbols on it and inside lay a very ordinary looking dild0. The man was like "That is like every other dild0 in here."
The old man said well you have not seen what it can do..he pointed to the door and said "voodoo d!ck, the door" the dild0 rose up out of the box shot towards the door and started banging the heck out of the keyhole, before it could split down the middle the old man said "voodoo d!ck back to the box." The dild0 stopped banging the keyhole and floated back to the box. The husband was so amazed he instantly offered the old man all his money and the old man accepted.

It was time to leave for his business trip and the husband told his wife..honey when you get really h0rny all you have to do is say "voodoo dick my p@ssy. So he left thinking everything was ok. Three days go by and his wife is really h0rny, she thinks of several men that can willingly satisfy her but she decides to give her husbands present a try, she whips it out and says "Voodoo d!ck my p@ssy" and it thrust to her crotch and its like nothing she ever felt before..third 0rgasm she cant take anymore..she tries to remove the dild0 but its stuck...she is trying to get dressed and is trembling from the vibrations she decides to drive herself to the hospital...on the way she has another 0rgasm and swerves off the road a cop sees her and pulls her over..he says "Madam may I see your drivers license and what have you been drinking. She says " Officer you really don't understand there's a voodoo d!ck and it's stuck in my p@ssy

He says "Ya right...voodoo dick my @ss."

One day a man from St Albans comes to Melbourne to get an education. He goes to the first professor he sees and says, “What can you teach me?”

Shocked, the professor answers, “Well, I can teach you about the power of reasoning.”

With a questioned look on his face, the man replied, “What’s that?”

“I’ll give you an example,” said the professor. “Do you have a whippersnipper?”

Although the question seemed strange, the man answered, “Yes, I do”

“Well, if you have a whippersnipper, then you must have a yard, do you have a yard?”

The man nods.

“Then, if you have a yard, I’ll bet you have a house.”

Again, the man agrees.

“Because you have a house, you must have a wife?”

Once more, the man nods.

“If you have a wife, you must be heterosexual, correct?”

The man again agrees. The man finishes up the full course and heads back to St Albans.

When he comes across his best friend, his friend’s first question was, “What did you learn?”

He replies, “I learned about the power of reasoning.”

“What’s that?” his friend asks.

Then the man asks him, “Well, do you have a whippersnipper?”

“Nope,” his friend replies.

"You f@ggot.”