A blonde, brunette and redhead are in the obstetrician's office when the blonde asks the brunette if she knows what sex her baby is going to be.
"It's going to be a boy," the brunette replies.
"How do you know," the blonde asks.
"Because when I conceived my husband was on top and when the man is on top you have a boy."
The blonde then asks the redhead if she knows what her baby is going to be.
"It's going to be a girl," the redhead replies.
"How do you know," the blonde asks.
"Because when I conceived I was on top and when the woman is on top you have a girl."
All of a sudden the blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask her.
The blonde wails "I'm going to have a puppy."

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

  One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.

  The other is getting oral sex from an 75-year-old toothless woman.

  They are both thinking the exact same thing.

  What are they both thinking?











DON'T LOOK DOWN

A little boy goes to his  dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let  me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the  administrator of the money,

so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care  of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes  off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he  hears his baby brother crying,

so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes  to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,

he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the  little boy say's to his father,

'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says,

'Good, son, tell me in your own words  what you think politics is all  about.'


The little boy replies,

'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class

while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and  the Future is in deep ****.'

The Chinese coined the phrase ''It's not you, it's me'' while looking at family pictures.

Same Bar, an hour later...

A Penguin walks in and says to the barman,

" Hi.  Have you seen my brother?"

Barman says, "Not sure. What does he look like? "

The Best Hooker

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.  He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"

The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

"Yes."  "Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

"Yes."

"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a **** is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a ****!"

The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give ****s that are worth every cent of  $1500."

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some ****?"

The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

"Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city

The hooker says, "No. But I would ... . . If I had a ****!"

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?




Tequila.