Australian
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 2532 comments are related to the topic:
Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 2,532
|
By:
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'pit bull out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down but doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring, screaming, crying and then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" |
|
By:
What happens to chemists when they die? They barium
|
|
By:
Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one!" |
|
By:
Boss: You should have been here at 9.30 a.m.
Employee: Why what happened?  |
|
By:
What do you get if you cross PMT with ESP?
A b!tch that thinks she knows everything. |
|
By:
Two lil leprechauns went off to St Mary's convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "Well, how can I help you little folk?" asked the Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "Well, Mother Superior, would you be a knowing any midget nuns here at the convent?" "Afraid not," replies Mother Superior, "there are no midget nuns here" "All right then, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?" "Well, no," replied Mother Superior, "none that I know of." "Well then, in the whole world of nuns, would you know of any midget nuns?" "No, I wouldn't - there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" said Mother Superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "Well, I told you so...you've been datin' a Penguin." |
|
By:
Husband to wife: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.   |
|
By:
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady. "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop. Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob. "He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady. "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob. "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"... |
|
By:
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail-one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas." |
|
By:
driving home from work yesterday I noticed a little aboriginal girl eating grass by the side of the road. o course I stopped and asked why. "Im starving and grass is all I have to eat she said. Come home with me and have a decent meal I said. "Can my little brothers and sisters come too, they are very hungry? I replied, "Oh of course not, for goodness sakes I have only a small lawn"
|
|
By:
Todd Carney
|
|
By:
An old couple was preparing for bed while on their honeymoon. When the man took his socks off, his bride noticed he only had two or three toes.
"Oh goodness," she said, "what happened to your feet?" "I had Tolio," he replied. "You mean Polio?" she asked. "No, Tolio," he said. Next he removed his pants and she saw that his knees were bent backwards. "Wow! What happened to your knees?" she asked. "I had Knee Coli," he answered. "E. Coli?" asked the wife. "No," he replied, "Knee Coli." Finally, he removed his underwear. "Oh, let me guess," she said, "Smallcox?" |
|
By:
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now! |
|
By:
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But after all that sex, I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
Tinkabertit  |
|
By:
Eileen and her husband, Bob, went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, prolong tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, the therapist embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband, Bob, watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you manage it?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. |
|
By:
Mrs. Jones decides that she wants to brighten up her suburban home, so she decides to buy a parrot from her local pet shop. So asks the sales clerk what they have available in the parrot line. Unfortunately, the man explains, the only parrot they have in at the moment previously lived in a brothel, and the clerk warns Mrs. Jones that it may have picked up some crude expressions.
``Ah well,'' she thinks, ``it won't take long to sort that out.'' So, she buys the parrot and takes it home in a covered cage. She puts the cage in the lounge, and takes the cover off it. The parrot looks around the room, and squawks "New brothel!'' Then, it sees Mrs. Jones, and squawks, ``New brothel! New madam!'' Mrs. Jones is slightly taken aback, but decides that all will come right in the end. Just then, her teenage daughter Sandy enters; noticing her, the parrot sqwaks, ``New brothel, new madam, new girls!'' Mrs. Jones explains the situation to Sandy and both laugh. A couple of moments later, Mrs. Jones' husband Darrell comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and squawks "Hi Darrell." |
|
By:
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. |
|
By:
The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living.
"Mary, what does your father do?" asked the teacher. Mary replied, "My dad is a mailman". "That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail," said the teacher. "Nancy, what does your father do? asked the teacher again. "Oh, he is a mechanic", replied Nancy. "That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running," said the teacher. Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. "And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher. "W-well, my daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice. The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well, I'm ah, really, um, am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny," stammered the teacher. "What did your daddy do before he died?" she asked. Johnny calmly replied, "Well, first he turned blue, then he sh!t in his pants." |
|
By:
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Either way someone's going to lose a trailer. |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
“My love,” he wrote “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? “ So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “why don’t you learn to play this?” Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!” She kissed him and said, “First let’s see you play that harmonica.” |
|
By:
After footage of a 18 year old British girl sucking off 24 guys has appeared online it's time we all ask ourselves some important questions...
Like where the f@ck can I find the video ??  |
|
By:
President Obama is sending a women's badminton team to Iran this week.
It's less expensive than soldiers, and more offensive to the Iranian government. |
|
By:
Sexy Suzi walks into her boss's office and says "I have some bad news."
The boss shakes his head. "Suzi all you ever give me is bad news. Give me some good news for a change." "Ok," Suzi replies, "Here's some good news. You're not sterile." |
|
By:
A grandfather and grandson are raking their front lawn when they happen to dig up an earthworm. The worm tries to get back into the little hole but with no success.
"Grandpa, the boy says, "I think I can get that worm back into the hole." "It's not possible," the grandfather says. "It's just too limp and wiggly. If you can do it I'll give you $5." So the boy goes in the house grabs a can of hair spray, sprays the worm which of course becomes hardened and stiff and the boy then puts the worm in the hole. The grandfather gives the boy the $5 and heads into the house with the hair spray. About 45 minutes later the grandfather comes out and hands the boy $5 "But grandpa," the boy says "you already gave me the $5." "I know," the grandfather answers, "that's from your grandmother." |
|
By:
A guy with a very sore leg gets on the bus in New York City and he notices no seats are available but on one of the seats is a poodle.
"Ma'am," he says, "can you please put your poodle on the floor so I can have that seat?" The woman shakes her head. The bus continues on hitting a few bumps and really aggravating the guys bad leg. Again he appeals to her "Ma'am, my leg is very bad so I'm going to ask you again. Please put your poodle on the floor so I can have that seat." Again the woman shakes her head no. As the bus continues it hits a huge pothole and by now the guy is in extreme agony. So he says to her. "Lady I'm going to ask you one last time to put your poodle on the floor so I can have the seat." And the woman replies, "And I said no!" With that the guy becomes irate, rolls down the window, picks the poodle up and throws it out the window. At this point an Australian guy who noticed the whole thing yells at the man "You Americans do absolutely everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you vote for the wrong politicians and you threw the wrong b*tch out the window." |
|
By:
One last one.
A poultry farmer walks into a hardware store and buys a bucket and an anvil. Later he stops by the market and picks up 2 chickens and a goose. But then he realizes that he has no way of getting them all home. So the owner of the market tries to help him out. "Put the anvil in the bucket and hold that with one hand, put a chicken under each arm and hold the goose in the free hand." "Great idea," the guy replies and he heads out. As he's going home an elderly woman says to him, "young man can you tell me how to get to 1850 Platypus Lane?" "I live at 1846 Platypus Lane," the poultry farmer answers, "just follow me home." "Oh no," the lady answers, "I'm a frail old lady and you're a strong young man. How do I know you won't throw me against a wall on the way home and have your way with me?" The guy is shocked. "Lady, I'm holding an anvil, a bucket, 2 chickens and a goose. How in the world do you think I'm going to throw you against a wall and have my way with you." The woman replies. "Put the goose on the ground and cover it with the bucket. Put the anvil on top of the bucket. I'll hold the chickens." |
|
By:
|
|
By:
What did the violin say to the guitar ?
Cello ! *GROAN* |
|
By:
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his pen!s. |
|
By:
Three little old ladies were sitting in their rocking chairs on the porch of their house. A man came by wearing a trench coat. He opened up the trench coat and flashed the three little old ladies.
The first little old lady had a stroke. The second little old lady had a stroke. The third little old lady couldn't reach him. |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
My wife came home with a pair of erection proof trousers, and they work,
When she wears them I never get an erection.  |
|
By:
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!" |
|
By:
I enjoyed my 1st time ever bobbing up and down in the sea today.
Its been my dream ever since I was a little bouy.  |
|
By:
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating. "Is is beef?" Their daughter asked. "Nope." "Is it pork?" the son asked. "Nope." "Heck, we don't know, Dad!" the so exclaimed. "I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me." "Spit it out," the girl yelled to her brother, "we're eating a*shole!!" |
|
By:
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over.
"You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked." "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.  |
|
By:
Two snails went to an auto race. There were twenty six cars, so instead of numbers the cars were identified by letters from A to Z.
As the race started, the S car quickly sped away from the trailing pack of cars. Seeing this, the one snail said to the other, "Hey, look at that S car go!"  |
|
By:
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front.
Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired." So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bon on' olidays," Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on' olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya f@cken idiot - where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail - but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on' olidays, eh!" |
|
By:
A lawyer parked at the side of the road, and opened the door of his BMW. Suddenly, a speeding car appeared from nowhere, hitting the door and ripping it off of his car. The lawyer was outraged.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer whined, "Officer, look what that person did to my Beemer! You have to find him and arrest him!" "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick," the officer snapped. "You're so upset about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off in the accident." "Oh my God....", gasped the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody stump where his arm had been. "My Rolex!" |