The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?"

The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?" 

Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.

The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of f0replay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

Ham and eggs: a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The man who took Qantas to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

If you're on the freeway and the woman driving in front of you turns on the wipers when it's not raining, it can only mean one thing...

She will be changing lanes.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
***
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,

Deep in the woods of Tennessee on a country road, a speeding motorist hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.
The motorist looks at the owner sheepishly and says, "Looks as if I killed your dog."
"Sure does."
"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"
"I wouldn't say that."
"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."
"Sounds good."
The driver reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."
"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."

A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't f@ck her."

I don't mean to brag but I just finished a 14 day diet in 2 hours and 14 minutes.

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiance to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.”
He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’.

I say there is.....

Marry the right person, and you’re ‘complete’

Marry the wrong person, and you’re ‘finished’

Little Johnny hurts his finger, runs in the house, and calls out to his mother. "Oh," she says, "let me get a band-aid for that."
"No!" cries Johnny, "Cider!"
"Cider?" the mother exclaims. "What on earth do you want cider for?"
"Because," he explains, "Sis says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she likes to put it in cider."

John's on a flight and as they're taking off the lady across from him starts breastfeeding. A few hours later, as they start to descend, she starts breastfeeding again.

John leans over and says, "I couldn't help noticing that you breastfed your baby when we were taking off and now you're breastfeeding again as we're descending. Is there a reason?"
       
She says, "Well, there are two reasons. First, the baby was hungry each time. And two, it keeps the baby's ears from popping."
       
John says, "Damn. And all these years I've been chewing gum."

A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A man had his VISA stolen but he decided not to report it as the thief was spending less than his wife did!

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

I don't have any vices at all. For the past two years I haven't touched alcohol, gambled or even looked at a woman.

But I get out next week.