Australian
There is currently 1 person viewing this thread.
These 2532 comments are related to the topic:
Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
sort by:
Show
per page
Replies: 2,532
|
By:
Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says, "Well, there's not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you in."So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.He says, "I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him... Under the bed, in the closet... Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.""Wow," said St. Peter, "that's a pretty fantastic story."So St. Peter calls in the second guy.He said, "One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!"Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says, "Alright, picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator..."
|
|
By:
Courtesy of a 5 year old yesterday
 Knock Knock! Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are? |
|
By:
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.  |
|
By:
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?" |
|
By:
DEAR WIFE
I'm writing this letter to you to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good man to you for seven years, yet I have nothing to show for it. Life with you is unbearable. I called you at work just to see if you wanted to have lunch ( you know, maybe try to reconnect) and your boss told me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new aircut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers to bed. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching TV. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want to be intimate or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case, I'm gone. Your Ex-husband P. S.: Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia, if that's a problem, TOUGH! DEAR EX-Husband: Nothing has made my day better than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad it doesn't work. I did notice when you got a haircut last week; the first that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal you obviously got me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I hoped it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning and your silk shorts cost $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out, so when I discovered that I had hit the Tattslotto for $10,000,000, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Switzerland, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said, with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a cent from me. So, enjoy your new life! P. S.: I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem. |
|
By:
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A' friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of' Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5, 000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........ The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared. .. ' ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1. 00 AT WOOLWORTHS! '  |
|
By:
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, as long as it's a bloke. |
|
By:
Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to buy a thousand hens, but didn't have the money...so...
He put them on a layby plan! |
|
By:
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "Only 75 cents." |
|
By:
A guy goes to his doctor and says,
"Doc, I have a problem." "My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday." "I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all." The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says, "You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened"? The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"  |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
"Five Kinds of Sex"
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "F@ck you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife f@cks you in front of everyone in court. |
|
By:
Melbourne Stars?
Sorry that was yesterday.How about the Big Show is a No Show!!  |
|
By:
Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and
tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.) So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can." Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited. He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You ****cats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down. Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here-Mad Martin's coming!"  |
|
By:
Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” Little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mum.”
|
|
By:
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
|
|
By:
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." |
|
By:
|
|
By:
drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk. How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You @sshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning! |
|
By:
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-j0b." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-j0b? No hand-j0b is worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-j0b that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow j0b is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? No blow j0b could be worth that". The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a bl0w job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-j0b, says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can' t believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some p@ssy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city? "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a p@ssy!" |
|
By:
What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.  |
|
By:
A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; “Nine.” Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. “Sorry to spoil your evening,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German”
|
|
By:
At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
 |
|
By:
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.
Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."  |
|
By:
Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement. Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The Council told me Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'. Work starts on Monday. |
|
By:
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 km'.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign that says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 km' and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, 'Sisters of Mercy'. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.' 'Very well, my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.' He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign. 'Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.' |
|
By:
A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.
The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma." The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Good- night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies. The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy." The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!" |
|
By:
|
|
By:
 |
|
By:
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating." "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?" "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked. "I switched c0cks," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said. |
|
By:
|
|
By:
hehe
|
|
By:
A man walked into the doctor's surgery and said, "Doctor, every time I break wind it sounds like a motor bike."
"That's very interesting; is there anything else bothering you?" asked the doctor. "I also have a large boil on my backside," said the man. "Right," said the doctor, "I will lance your boil and your problem will disappear." "How's that?" asked the man. "Because abscess makes the f@rt go Honda." |
|
By:
 |
|
By:
A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man-eating creature out of there!
The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his c0ck and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,"Look, no marks." The bartender is still unsure so the man asks..."Would anyone else like to try?" The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says... "I will but don't smack me on the head!"  |
|
By:
a guy walks into lift at the hospital.....just as the doors about to close he sees a woman running to get the same lift so hold the doors for her...
he asks which floor would you like ,she tells him Floor 6 as she want's to donate blood as she is unemployed and they give her $5 for each blood donation, she then asks the man in return 'and where are you going?' a sick relative?, he says no just coming in to donate sperm as he is also unemployed and they give him $50 for each sperm donation..........'wow' she thinks to herself...and off they both go 2 week later the guy walks into the lift again...and just as the doors close...the sees the same woman from before ruuning to catch the same lift...as she get's in he says...'ahhh come to donate more blood again?'....the woman with mouth closed shakes head.... |
|
By:
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where... your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "Really? What law firm do you work for?" |
|
By:
Dr says to patient, I have some good news and some bad news
Patient says whats the bad news? Dr, you have Alzheimers Patient, whats the good news? Dr, you can hide your own easter eggs |
|
By:
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub.
The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer. |
|
By:
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.
Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any dunny paper on your side?" |