A man and his son were talking about sex.

The son asked his father, "dad, what does a p@ssy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

The Queens Riddle
                 

Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England . She asked her,
"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important
thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Julia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you
just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send
David Cameron in here, would you?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your
Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please,
David, your mother and father have a child.  It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered,
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her
Deputy Prime Minister the same question.

" Wayne , answer this for me. Your mother and your
father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Wayne . "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could
give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall.

Wayne asked, "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Tony  yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Wayne smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went
back to speak with Julia.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that
riddle.  It's Tony Abbott"

Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into
his face, "No, You idiot!  It's the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN CANBERRA .

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your @ss before the day was over."

A woman was wondering why she hadn't had sex in 5 months.

So her friend told her to go and see a chinese sex doctor.

When she got there he told here to take off all her clothes and crawl to the other end of the room and back.

As she was crawling back towards the doctor, he said "Oh yes... I see the problem now"

"What is it", replied the woman.

"Your face look like your @ss" said the doctor.

lol I fkt up the cut'n'paste...oh well [smiley:crazy]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all die. At the gates of heaven, St Peter asks the girls if they have ever had any contact with a pen1s. The 1st girl says she touched one with the tip of her finger once. Peter asks the girl to dip the finger into the holy water. The next girl says she once fondled one, so she sticks her hand in the holy water. Suddenly there is a commotion and a girl pushes to the front. 'Jenny, whats the rush?' asks Peter. She replies 'I want to gargle that holy water before Kathy sticks her @rse in it'.

yes lifey .. 3 absolute gems 

It was the happiest day of my life.  I arrived at church, wife was waiting at the alter.  I walked up the aisle  I kissed her on the cheek and smilied.  Then i closed the F@CKING LID

very cruel  Secong.

The 1st Affair   
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon..

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

for those of you who like to dabble in philosophical debate enjoy this comical piece.

We are saved!!!! The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs
heat)?

  Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One
student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.   As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is
more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?

IIf we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

lol,loggie,i like the last one myself

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole, closest to the pin.

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eyed the line of the putt, and said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firmly. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt . 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, and it'll fall into the cup.'

The old, gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'




…Another fine example of how old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time!

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy one of the little people is planning to marry

So he goes to visit the king of the little people and ask him how he could tell if his bride to be is still a virgin

The king says, " aye Paddy to be sure all Irish humans use three things for what they call a Do it yourself virginity test kit"

A can of red paint, a can of blue paint and a shovel

Paddy asks " Aye and to be sure, what do I do with these things oh King?"

The King of the Fairies replies " Before Ye climb into bed on your wedding night you paint one of your balls red and the other blue,
If she says "that's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see ..... !

You hit her with the shovel! "

There was an old man who was married to a very young woman.

The old man was at the doctors for a checkup and the doctor said, "Sir today I will need a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample".

The old man looks at his young wife and says, " What did he say"?

His wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."