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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A guy discloses to his therapist that he has been having sex with the next door neighbours doberman
The disgusted therapist says "How low can you go?" the patient replies "about a cocker spaniel" |
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The guy who owned the Odeon cinema group has died. His
funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40. ------------------------------ I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds! ----------------------------------------------- My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something for protection?" He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!" ---------------------------------------------------------------- A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the cleanest vagina I've seen!" The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!" --------------------------------- A Irish Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with ****ss on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates and the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side". |
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Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn. He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off.
"Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick. "It's not what you think" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of those counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor |
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Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."
Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Little Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." |
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "S!ut!" he said, and dropped her. |
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You know you are getting old: When you have dry dreams and wet farts!
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Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming 2011 Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" |
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In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. |
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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time For the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant And delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery To see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child He had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can Be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!' |
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Man pulls wife into the bedroom and he rips her cloths off "Now darling do a handstand facing against the full length mirror on the wall" "Hmmm " she thinks KINKY but I like it...She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her ****."The boys down the pub were right" he says "a goatee would suit me".
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A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, About to be cremated, And made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part He had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated With such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.' So, he removed it, Stuffed it into his briefcase, And took it home. 'I have something to show You won't believe,' he said to his wife, Opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!' |
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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands .
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia .. 'Melbourne', he tells her. 'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Cameo Street' he replies. 'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!' 'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you' |
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A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband Opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, Then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' 'What's this?' the husband inquired As he entered the room. 'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it So I got one for us, too.' No more was said, Not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, Went to the kitchen and returned With a sandwich and a beer. 'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths And nobody offered me a damned thing.' |
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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?' '5 cents' the barman replied. '5 cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' |
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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," said the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" " It'll teach those Indians not to f@ck with the Lone Ranger."
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Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (Marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by Maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. |
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Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, "I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized."
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, "I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered." Doctor Jones says, "I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable." |
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johnny always cracks me up
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Knock Knock
Whos There? Sarah Sarah who? Sarah reason your not laughing? |
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Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" "I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply. Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap." Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his father's old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!" |
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" |
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A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?" "A jack" |
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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked. I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. 1. They don’t like me 2. I don’t like them.” His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. 1. You’re 59 years old 2. You’re the pastor!” |
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger t!ts, you'd be a ten!!!" |
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Little Johhny was sitting in class one day.......when the teacher, presumably Miss Jones asked the class if they could use the word contagious,
First of all Mary puts up her hand and says "My mum told me that measles are contagious"...very good Mary, now who else can tell me about the word contagious, well of course Little Johnny is waving his hand furiously , so Miss Jones reluctantly in the absense of other takers offers Johnny the chance So off the starts....well Miss the other day Dad and I were in the garage having a beer  when we saw the neighbour repainting his tin roof with a 1 inch paint brush. Dad said to me it will take that cnut ages to paint that roof  |
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so off HE starts..
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One day a boy went into his father's room and asked him what was the difference between the two words 'realistically' and 'potentially'.
His father replied by telling the boy to go to his mother and ask her if she would sleep with Orlando Bloom for a million dollars. Then go ask his sister if she would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars and then go ask his brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. The boy then set off on his task. "Mommy, would you sleep wit Orlando Bloom for a million dollars?" His mother quickly replied "Hell Yeah, he's sexy and i could use the money." He then asked his sister if she would do it and she quickly replied "F@ck yeah, he's hot". Finally he asked his brother and he said "Hell yeah". The boy went back to his father with his new found knowledge. "Daddy i know the difference, potentially we have 3 million dollars in the house but realistically we have 2 sl@ts and a f@ggot in the family" |
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