A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'



Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'

The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'

'Yes.'

'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'

'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'

'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'

Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.' They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime , worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a **** is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'

I wouldn't pay that for a ****!'

The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a **** that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

'How much for some ****?'

The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a ****.'

Two googie eggs were sitting in a pot of boiling water......

and one googie egg turned to the other one and said.....

Sh1t it's hot in here..

and his mate said..

Wait till you get outside, they smash your #ucken head in.

A man was walking along the beach in California when he noticed a magic lamp laying in the sand. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared. The Genie asked what the year was. The man said that it was 2010.

The Genie said in that case he could have only one wish. The man said that he would love to visit Hawaii but hated to fly and was frightened of boats. So he wanted the Genie to build him a bridge to Hawaii. The Genie thought about it for a while and then said that there would be a lot of work and expense involved. The pylons would have to be at least two miles deep and that would be a lot of trouble,..... would the man make a different wish.

The man said that in his whole life he had never able to truly understand women. He couldn't understand why that one day, he would his wife's best friend, and the next without seemingly doing anything wrong, he was his wife's worst enemy. So his one wish was he could have the ability to predict his wife's mood and what she was thinking.

The Genie with a big smile on his face, said that he would go check on those pylons.

Mary was very attractive but she was one of those thalidomide victims(no arms or legs)and she was lying on the beach when a young man jogged by,stopped and ask her her name.
"Mary"she replied.
"I'm John"he said. "Have you ever been hugged Mary".
"No"she replied.
So John picks her up,gives her a big hug and jogs off.A little later he returns and says to Mary
"Have you ever beeen kissed Mary"?
"No"she replied.
So John picks her up and plants a big kiss on her lips and then jogs off.
Returning a little later he whispers into her ear.
"Mary,have you ever been f...ed?
Quivering,she replies,"No"
So John picks her up and throws her into the ocean.
John yells to her,"now your f...ed,Mary.

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad on the Internet.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks,  "I've never had sex with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like with a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

great laughs. pleas keep em coming

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!

Who is Julia ??

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, who'd been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the country doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Julia Gillard, and her being Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Julia is just a Post Tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked: "What's a "Post Tortoise?"

The old farmer said, "Well, when you're driving down a country lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise. Just like Julia Gillard."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he explained: "You know she didn't get up there by herself. She doesn't belong up there. She doesn't know what to do while she's up there. She sure isn't goin' anywhere. And you just wonder what bunch of dumb idiots put her up there in the first place."
                                                               Unfortunately, what might be true is that the punch line could be right on the money !!

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.

Pissed at  the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. 
Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.
He aimed his weapon  and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion.
A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien.
'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his pen!s over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

There is a new anti depressant on the market especially for Lesbians. It's called trycoxagain.[:p]

A Northern Territory farm hand (An Aboriginal) radios back to the  farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says,'Ok, there's a .303Rifle behind the seat. Take it,shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss.
Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there,but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck
under the right-front wheel arch.'

'... You there Boss?'

True Story

During the halycon days of hollywood it was common for the rich and famous to employ japanese gardeners.However during WW11 they were all interned

Groucho Marx was pottering around in his front garden one day on Sunset Boulavard when a well healed middle age woman pulled up in her rolls.
Not recognising Groucho and assuming he was the hired help she enquired of him,"How much does the good lady of the house pay you to do the gardening".
As quick as a flash he turned to her and replied,"She doesn't pay me anything ,she just lets me f.... her.

Another beauty there Roy.

Barney The Bot Slayer / could be a Great Comercial idea

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

Something to Offend Everyone

1 - I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!

2 - Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2.00, we will send you the video - its f@cking hilarious.

3 - I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly pr!ck?"  It's not yours is it?

4 - I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sp@rm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

5 - Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm f@ckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?

6 - There's a new anti-depressant for lesb!ans on the market: Trycoxagain.

7 - I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, "Mexican and black r@pists" is not the correct answer.

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown Emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'


'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

3 men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won't let them unless they have 12 inches of d!ck between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 5 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch d!ck.

The bartender says "Ok, thats 12 inches you can go".

As the're walking away the first guy says to the third, "Thank god you had a b0ner or we'd still be there."