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Joke of the Day
Joke of the Day
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A SCOTSMAN walks in to the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, You'd realize I was talking to the sheep." |
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[:D]
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control
company... One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 'Who are you?' he asked him.. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little buggers!'.. |
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A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.
It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof. |
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yes roy the young ones blow up so quickly these days
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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.' Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' |
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Michael walks into a library and whispers to the librarian; "I'm looking for a book that aids men with small penises. The librarian taps away at her computer to no avail and announces; "I'm sorry sir, it doesn't appear to be in yet."
"That's the f***ing one" says Michael. |
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classic LMAO
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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' |
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Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' |
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6.30 am riser here STS
 Aren't the Morning work-outs finish by that time ? |
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Son: ; 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' |
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' |
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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' |
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All good Roy, keep them coming.
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2 kids come down for breakfast ,
mother 'now mary what would you like for breakfast?' mary 'i'll have fking corn flakes!!' mother proceeds to give mary a few swift and hard smacks on the bottom which in turn makes little mary scream in pain then mum turns to johnny ' now what would YOU like for breakfast?' johhny ' NOT FCKING CORN FLAKES THATS FOR SURE!!!' |
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A guy walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and flashes them.
Dorothy has a stroke ,then Hazel has a stroke. However,Mabel is too feeble to reach over. |
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one’s feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla. 'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.' In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter’. At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!' |
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Man walked into a bar and asked for a triple bourbon,
Barman said, 'Whats up mate". Man replies, "walked into my house and caught my best friend shagging my wife". Barman said, "and what did you say to your wife?". He replied, "i told her to pack her bags and fk off". And what did you say to your best friend, the barman asks. The man said, "I LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, AND SAID NAUGHTY DOG, NO MORE BISCUITS FOR YOU". |
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' |
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Mick was attending his angling club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Steep point trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping the under the thumb ribbing and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the bride. When Mick's mates started arriving at Steep to set up camp the following week, who should be there but Mick already setup, swag rolled out , fishing rods all setup ready, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of snakewood coals. Shocked one of the crew asked "How did ya talk ya wife into letting you go fishing Mick?" "I didn't have to ," was Mick's reply. "When I left the meeting last week I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise " . When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want". SO HERE I AM!!!!!!!!!!! |
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A bloke is driving along a country lane when he comes across the road all blocked off with sheep, and the farmer herding the sheep along. The bloke is a bit impatient, but while he waits he strikes up a conversation with the farmer. After a while, the bloke says to the farmer "If I can guess the exact number of sheep you have, can I have one". The farmer thinks he has little chance so says Yes. The bloke says 183. The farmer said "Amazing. But before you drive off with my sheep you have to give me a chance to win it back. If I can tell you what your profession is then I win my sheep back". "Sure", says the bloke. The farmer says your a consultant. The bloke says "You are right, but how did you know?" The farmer says "It is easy. You came here uninvited, you told me what I already know, and charged me a fortune for it."
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Excellent guys, great start to the weekend.
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one for the kids [;)]
Wun-Wun was a racehorse Tew-Tew was one too Wun-Wun won one race at 2 to 1 Tew-Tew won one too at 1 to 2 |
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Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!" |
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Hasn't Little Johhny lived a very full life , for one so young??
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Little johhny walks on his mother , spies her vagina and says
Whats that Mommy? Thinking on her feet she says that where daddy hit me with an axe. Johnny replies Great shot Mum hit you right in the cnut!! |
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A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he **** on you." |
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A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her v@gina. So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibr@tor is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation." "I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? " |
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Why I fired my secretary...
last week was my 40th birthday and i didn't feel very well when i woke up that morning. i sat there at breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me. as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday." i thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. my kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. so when i left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. as i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!" it felt good that at least someone had remembered. i worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." i said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day. let's go!" we went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. we dined instead at a little place with a private table. we had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously. on the way back to the office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" i responded, "i guess not. what do you have in mind?" she said, "let's go to my apartment." after arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. i'll be right back." "ok." i replied, somewhat nervously. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday". and i just sat there... on the couch... naked. |
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be a few on here that could identify with the birthday boy i bet!
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.. |
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A guy fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'? The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs. |
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A priest and a Rabbi are having a cup of coffee when the priest says, " Rabbi, I have to leave now. I have to hear confession". The Rabbi says" can I come with you and listen." The Priest says, "look, it's highly irregular, but since you are a man of the cloth, I suppose it wouldn't hurt. Now there is a little spot behind the confessional. Sit there, and no one will see you, but make sure you don't say a word".
So the Priest enters his side of the confessional, the Rabbi sits at the back out of sight, and the first person enters. The bloke says " forgive me father for I have sinned", and the priest asks "what sin have you committed my son". The bloke says, "last night I fornicated with a married woman once". The priest says " that's terrible. Say 10 Hail Mary's and put $10.00 in the poor box." The next bloke comes in and the priest says "what have you done my son". The bloke says, "last night I fornicated with a married woman twice". "That's disgusting, say 20 Hail Mary's and put $20.00 in the poor box". The next bloke walks in. The priest says, "and what is your sin my son." The bloke says "last night I fornicated with a married woman three times". The priest says" what in Gods name is becoming of my Parish. Say 30 Hail Mary's and put $30.00 in the poor box." All of a sudden, an Altar boy rushes up to the priest and says, "father, we need you at Mrs. Smiths. She is very close to death and wants to have the last rites said". The priest says, "I'm in the middle of hearing confessions, I can't come right now". All of a sudden, the Rabbi pipes up. "Father, I can hear the confessions. I saw how you handled it. I can do it easily.". The priest says, "well it's highly irregular, but I suppose you are a man of the cloth and I have no choice". So off goes the priest, and the Rabbi enters the confessional. The next bloke comes in. "Forgive me farther for I have sinned". The Rabbi says, and what have you done my son". The bloke says, "last night I fornicated with a married woman 4 times". The Rabbi says "that's the most despicable thing I have ever heard. I want you to say 40 Hail Mary's and put $40.00 in the poor box." The bloke says, "but father, I've only got a $50.00 note". The Rabbi says " put it in anyway, we owe you a fck". |
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Subject: Absolutely Brilliant
Read to the end, this is absolutely brilliant. A True Story Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: "Yes." DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "No that's great! That is more adventure than the previous Hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." [3 minutes of commercials follow.] DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones ringing.) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right Now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us." Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright.When did you last have sex, Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? SILENCE.. An intake of breath. Sarah: "Up the arse....." After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break. |
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I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
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