A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"         

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away, and today you expect me to show it to you!"               

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! " The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"         

The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute s she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating.     The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Patrick walks into his parents' room and sees Daddy has Mammy bent over the dresser. "What are you doing Dad? Oh your Mother lost an earring and i'm helping her look behind the dresser for it. Later on, Dad hears a commotion coming from Patrick's room and looks in the door to see that Patrick has Granny bent over his dresser. Patrick turns around and says to his father, "it's not so f***in funny when it's your own mother, is it?"

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,

and are things people actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters that had the

torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually

taking place.


ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you

that morning?

WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:     I forget.

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved

in voodoo?

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you **** me?

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August

8th?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:     Getting laid.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:        None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?

WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death.

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:     All of them. The live ones put up too much of a

fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:     Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you

check for a pulse?


WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No..

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive

when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

and practising law.

Absolutely outstanding anthonyb, thanks.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowolski, nice to meet you."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Anthonyb,

Can I add to that excellent list of yours which I saw somewhere years ago the following definitions:

Rectitude - the dignified demeanour adopted by a proctologist just before he examines you

and

Pokemon - a West Indian proctologist.

KOPO

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?



They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

royboy...keep it up, u should be on stage

Vicar's Salary
At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll pe rsonally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*ck him'.

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the TipTop account!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well, " says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, " says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun ?   

A computer that won't go down on you

Three men of different nationalities are discussing their love making skills.

The Italian says, "When Iva finished a makina da love with my signorina, I go downa and gently tickle the back of her knees, she'sa floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".     

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah ’ave finished making ze love with ze mademoiselle, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy".     

The Aussie says, "Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shagging my shiela, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my c0ck on the curtains. She hits the f@ckin' roof"